The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reason these addictions are so hard to live with. Alcohol and drugs change the person that we love into someone that we don't recognize. If my husband had a bad habit that could affect his health and shorten his life, like smoking, I may not like it and it may worry me but it would not affect his brain, his personality and his ability to make a living.
I am right there with you when you say that his addiction doesn't fit into your dreams for the future. Neither does my husband's drinking. My husband, too, has tried to equate my use of anxiety medication for panic attacks with his alcohol use although I am under a doctor's care and take less than is prescribed, they are not affecting my job, family or my health.
You will find that so many of these addictive behaviors are so much alike that they could be scripted. I found the book Getting Them Sober to be a real eye opener. It really strengthened my resolve to take care of me and in turn stop enabling him. Stick around and read the experiences of others. There are online meetings or face to face meetings in your area to attend.
-- Edited by WornOutMrsFixIt on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 09:14:54 PM
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Three years ago yesterday I attended my first Al-Anon meeting after discovering that my father was an alcoholic. Now, less than 2 years into my marriage, I am finding myself in need of similiar support, but now as a result of my husband who I believe is addicted to marijuana. I know that this is more for family members and friends of alcoholics, but I read other posts that were about marijuana use as well. Any input or feedback would be much appreciated.
My husband and I have been in a relationship since we were 17, and he smoked pot when I met him. He always knew that I didn't approve of his habit, but continued to smoke. I went into the marriage relying on his promises that someday it would stop. Now I can see that this wasn't a smart decision. However, I loved him so much that I saw past his marijuana use. Recently we have gotten into numerous fights about him smoking pot, and he quit for a month in the fall, but held it against me all the time saying that I "made" him quit. After going to individual therapy and marriage counseling, I let him know that he is an adult and can make his own decisions, hoping that he would make the decision for both of us to quit smoking once and for all. Nope. He bought a $500 vaporizer and a bag of pot and has been smoking non-stop when he is not at work for the past 2 months.The house smells, his eyes are always bloodshot, and he doesn't act like himself.
After spending a week away from him to see my family for the holidays, I spent a lot of time thinking about everything, and I realized again that him smoking pot doesn't fit into my dreams for my future...buying a house, having kids, maintaining a normal family life. I let him know this 2 days ago when I returned from my trip, and it did not go over well. He started screaming at me and attempted to tear apart my reasoning for not wanting him to smoke. When I said that it is not healthy, he said that me going to church is not healthy because he could have a heart attack during the 2 hours that I'm out of the house, and I would not be here to help him, so maybe I should stop going to church. He also said that me talking on a cell phone or taking my anti-depressants are very unhealthy for me, so maybe I should stop doing that. To me, these comparisons sound crazy. In the end, he said that he was just going to have to stop smoking, but that he expects perfection from me now, and everytime I mess up, he is going to point it out.
He then told me that our marriage is horrible and "forced" me to say terrible things about myself as "punishment." Right now he is sleeping, and when I woke up him to ask him why he was asleep, he said that it's because it passes time and that he doesn't want to spend time with me. He normally would be smoking and playing videogames, but now he says that the videogames are not enjoyable because he doesn't have pot. He refuses to go back to marriage counseling (we only went for one session), and he also refuses to see a psychiatrist. He is mean and irritable.
I expressed to him that I want him to make the decision for himself to stop smoking, but this is something he would not consider. To him, it's a natural substance from the earth, and he sees nothing wrong with it, aside from the fact that it's illegal, which doesn't really concern him that much.
He has mentioned divorce several times and said that if we can't get along, then maybe we should just get divorced. I never envisioned myself getting divorced, but I also never envisioned living a nightmare like this. Aside from my therapist, my best friend is the only one who knows about the situation. I feel totally alone, especially because I am halfway across the country from my family and friends. I would like to go to an Al-Anon meeting, but I am afraid my husband would find out.
Please feel free to share any thoughts, words of wisdom, etc. because I am at a loss at this point.
Aloha Hope...that sounds like the same jail cell I put and kept myself in when I was married to the alcoholic/addict. I learned in Al-Anon years later that I ought not try to rationalize with an irrational person. I also learned that turing my peace of mind and serenity over to an irresponsible person was bad choice. I learned that when the addict starts using...they stop growing and that made a ton of sense because my alcoholic/addict wasn't very mature when we met...of course I wasn't much better at all. It's the truth that when a chemically addicted person starts drinking and using their mental, emotional and spiritual levels stop in favor of the addiction. Get rid of the fear of going to Al-Anon...it's kinda sorta like going to the doctor or counselor for help. In early Al-Anon I use to leave work at times on "medical leave" an Al-Anon meeting. Consider what the consequences are if you do go take care of yourself. Don't turn your self care over the addict who's sole care is getting loaded often.
Keep coming back here also...We're family and We're in support. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you to both of you for your replies. I need to remember not to rationalize with an irrational person as you stated, Jerry. Your point about the person's growth in various areas stopping whenever they started using also makes a lot of sense. WornOutMrsFixIt, thank you for your support too. Although I would not wish this type of lifestyle on anyone, it is helpful to know that other people can understand what I'm going through. I think I'm going to check out the book you mentioned and also try to go to a meeting...maybe tomorrow. Thank you again.
You went to AlAnon a few years ago so you have a good idea of what they are going to say. You also know how your hubby is going to react. But you are worth it. You need to save yourself. You have to take the step and be brave and go back to the meetings. Sneak there for the first time if you have to. I agree with you that this is not your vision of a happy life together. It won't be. Addictions are progressive. It will keep on getting worse.
Welcome to MIP and Alanon. it is the disease of addiction whether it is alcohol or marijuana or others. The disease is talking when he criticizes you for what you do. It really isn't a decision when it comes to addiction; it is being powerless. But we can make decisions for ourselves. Take care of you.
I sympathize with your plight, as I too "knew" of my Abf/fiancé's habits upfront, but after months and years of living in that environment I realized maybe I couldn't accept those things for a lifetime with the crisis and behavior altering effects.
Change is so hard ... For them, for us too. While it is Important to put ourselves first and acknowledge only their HP can change them it doesn't make it any easier separating ourselves for that which we've become comfortable with. ( no matter how crazy & out of control it seems) I still struggle daily with the idea that my life needs to be seperate from my A and that thought alone can be heart wrenching at time sending my into a full blown panic attack. I've grown so co-dependant ( I've labeled as love) with him that I can't grasp the concept of my life without him.
Each day gets easier as I build my boundaries and slowly detach from the situation. The choice for each of us is different. You will know with the help of your HP and alanon what is right for your life.
I pray strength for you during this time, patience with yourself & peace with your choices. I know very well the struggle within.
Keep coming back to MIP, thank you for sharing your story ( as it helps those like me see we are not alone in this) and seek out those face2face meetings if possible.
Your doing well - and it's progress not perfection! Yours ing progress for sure in my eyes ;)
I have definitely been around pot addicts and understand all your concerns.
For us in al anon we take it one day at a time. The ex A would never have considered counselling but he had nothing against my going. That only contributed to his insistence that the problems were all me. I went to conselling alone and found it very helpful. I also went to al anon in different ways. I read books, Getting them Sober is a really good book and I highly recommend it. I also came to this board and poured my heart out on it. I learned there were people here who were willing to listen and follow up on what I said. That was what I wanted from the ex A and never got. The only thing he listened to was his addiction and that was sacrosant no matter what.
Al anon taught me where I could win and where I would lose. I could win on seeking support for myself I could lose if I went all out against the addiction. I learned to take what I could get. I know where it is to be absolutely exhausted, angry and agrieved. I also know I was not alone in being there.
I am not sure what objection your husband would have to al anon. So many people think its about getting the alcoholic/addict to stop when in fact the program is anything but.
