The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well here I sit, no TV, no furniture, no car, a frozen pizza in the house, my computer set up on the floor lying down typing to you (rather uncomfortably I might add.)
There are all sorts of people I can blame...the last 2 landlords who had apartments with toxic mold that ruined all my belongings and got me sick...my father who is too afraid to stand up to these people for me (lol), the predators and liars and the greed out there in the world...everyone's egos wanting to "win". But I see my own self-will and not being willing to get my own place even if it's a little room somewhere, I did this. I didn't listen to that 6th sense.
I won't see my family this year, there's too much going on and I can't get down there. My brother can't contact me or return my communication - he's too selfish, my mother rejects me and screws around with my head when she knows it will hurt most, and they all need me to remain the helpless adult child scapegoat.
I just see no reason to be with them today but I did call them and say Merry Christmas and I love you because I do love them and I don't want them to be unhappy.
And I am taking a chill day with God today, asking HIm to guide me to my next living situation with no help from family where I'll begin to be free. Everything had to be stiripped from me in order to do this and it's kind of comical...I look around and it's all gone!!! LOL! I need God's strength to move in the right direction now...I am listening and I want to grow up and have solid boundaries and be closer to God again because right now Im very off-the-beam.
Now see, I am the only drinker in my family but my parents are adult children and they suffer from being HUMAN. Drinking is not the issue...I have been the abandoned blamed one all my life. It ain't ABOUT booze.
I happen to also be the only one with a program of recovery! I have faith and am filled with hope for my future...I can stop being responsible for other people's problems...I can set boundaries without hurting anyone.
Whether you're the drinker or not, recovery is a process. No matter what your Christmas looks like (mine will be spent alone unless I shower and find a bus to the Alanon-athon or the Alka-thon) we always have God and Hope and we can still have a day of peace.
Merry Christmas
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 09:35:08 AM
Whether you're the drinker or not, recovery is a process. No matter what your Christmas looks like (mine will be spent alone unless I shower and find a bus to the Alanon-athon or the Alka-thon) we always have God and Hope and we can still have a day of peace.
Merry Christmas
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Tuesday 25th of December 2012 09:35:08 AM
Dear WorkingThroughit
I am so humbled by your honesty and clarity. Spending a chill day with God sounds really, really great. Before I attended my Church service at midnight last night, I attended a Step alanon meeting. It was a perfect place to be.
So glad you are taking care of you have a Blessed Day.
You are right WTI, sometimes we need to strip off all the excess to find the real person inside and get started down a better path. Stuff can be a burden and starting fresh can have its blessings. My family lost a storage building and woodshed in a fire 2 years ago, and while that was a terrifying experience(we thought the house would burn, too, but HP was with us), it was also liberating. We built that shed ourselves and thought everything in it was so important. Very few things were truly missed. We replaced a few immediate needs, and moved on. Now I often ask myself when cleaning the house, "If this burned in the shed would I miss it?". If the answer is probably not, it can get donated or something. I am a lot less attached to stuff these days and that is a blessing for a lifelong pack rat. LOL
I know that is not quite the same thing as what you are dealing with, but I hope you see my point and look for the blessings in your situation. Hey, try doing a search on minimalist living. That might help. Minimalism is an interesting thing to a pack rat. lol
Have a Happy Christmas.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks Betty and Jan, your post made me smile. Your fire is exactly the same thing! I worked through my attachment to my stuff already. I just hope I can keep my car. It would suck to walk around in the Jan cold with all that's going on and very little resources but if that's what has to happen, well alright. What can I do?
I was just sitting here realizing that slowly I've cut off all my family. When I go back, it'll be worse. *sigh* Maybe I will never be able to. I think the longterm psychological trauma has been too much. I cry sometimes but the fact is, I just don't get the family I wanted. It's stunning to me how others just will NOT get help - they'd rather lose their families first. Human nature is a very strange thing.
It's true that some never seem to hurt "enough" to let go and ask for help. It is sad. My Mom is one of those. I share my tools with her when I can, but I can't be her recovery for her. She just has no idea what she is missing not having a program of her own. There are some people that I really wish we could drag kicking and screaming into the program, but we can't.
What a wonderful blessing for you to be able to let go of all that stuff. You can start new. Ask yourself "What else is possible?" I love that question.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I'm humbled by your positive attitude and really hope you can work through your immediate problems - one thing we are often good at is working out problems when they are in front of us. Having a chill day with God and getting some serenity is great. I am trying to start again at 56 with the help of my al anon friends and its very hard but it means I have to work my programme very hard too. Don't give up hope and when I'm in trouble I head for my nearest meeting no matter what, isolation is bad for me. I really like Jen's question too.
Sometimes cutting off with those who poison you is the thing to do. It's hard at first but you get used to the void and fill it with something else that as more positive and can lead you to something else. You have a good attitude toward material things. That's the way to go. The HP will bring you what you need when you need it. Don't stop having faith. Life often brings miracles to those who can see/notice them.
Sometimes it takes those moments in the quiet to recognize what we truly need. What we truly need is faith...faith in our Higher Power, and faith in ourselves. People will let us down. Even with the best of intentions, they will let us down. I will be praying that you find "your place" and that it's a safe haven for you.
I am the only person in my family who got into recovery. I used to pray that other people would do that to accompany me. Now I pray that they do it for themselves. I know that I have felt immensely lonely, boundaryless and lost for much of my life. Al anon has provided such help with dealing with everyday matters that used to absolutely enslave me. I have come to the conclusion that I do not know how to "do" the holidays. I only know extremes, doing it all or doing nothing. There has to be something inbetween that.
