The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...sadness, worry, fear, anger, confusion! That's what I'm left with today, after ABF showed up yesterday for Christmas Eve. He was all confused and still trying to make me believe that I am the most selfish woman on earth, for taking care of me first. He still blames me for his relapse last week, he is back in full denial about alcohol as well. He is lost, and going down, and wants me to go down with him. i managed to detach yesterday as we sat with neutral friends, that was nice for a moment. But the more he saw my smile with other people, the more angry he got. He told me later he is jealous of my 'happiness'...if only he knew my struggle inside. anyway, we came home, and first all was appearing calm. I hoped we could go to sleep in serenity...but he wouldn't let go. If he is in doubt, or selfpity, he never wants to stay alone, so he keeps me up all night..... in between we went from selfblame, to blame, to hatred, to false accusations, to delirium, to suicide threads, to love, to understanding, to toxic love, to addiction, he went to weed instead of tears...to attempt of physical violence and manipulation. That was the longest night ever in my life. of course at 6 oclock this morning, nothing good....anger and frustration. Luckily my dog was there, he stopped it all from escalating, he would have nobody come close to me, i let him in the house when we got up, couldn't trust anymore. then after explosion, crying, crying, hurting, deep depresive talk, toxic love again. God we are so sick...i don't even know anymore if this has to do with alcohol anymore. does it? maybe I am just driving him insane. i am pushing, he is pushing, i really start thinking I am not worth the love....and incapable of giving the right things, because it seems I went invisible lately....
anyway I am out of this relationship, starting today, selfish me, letting him drown in his own misery...but he will be better without me reminding him constantly his disease. And I am not standing in first row anymore taking all the blame for any given problem or complication in his life. I think we still stand a chance of both getting better. ...it hurts too much.and i am sorry for every each reaction I came up with , making things worse, i didn't know better.
Sorry you are having a hard time, it's all part of alcoholism. You can only control your thoughts and feelings. His are not based on truth but a sick mind. Remember the 3c,s. I hope you can enjoy some of this day.
An alcoholic depressed and insane person will try to turn your world so dark that you can't see your way out. They succeed to the degree we let them. You deserve better and just keep going to alanon meetings and being around healthy people. It's not uncommon for us to lose ourselves in relationships. I think that's the way many of us folks in alanon have tended to be (sorta codependent). By stepping out on your own, you just got the best Xmas gift....Yourself. You don't even know what a gift that is, but if you keep reaching out, interacting with healthier folks and nourishing your spirit and soul through the program, you'll find out.
I can see maybe wanting to work through a serious committed relationship (marriage, kids) with someone who is drinking, there are many who attempt that, but why would you choose this person as a boyfriend? THat's the question. It's about what we do to ourselves and why. There are reasons I was addicted to obsessions iwth people like that and I needed recovery to understand it. SOunds like you are willing.
In the 12 steps I saw why I did these things. I chose to use AAs Big Book and I went back thru my own life and saw who I had become. There was nothing terrible I saw about myself in fact I saw what a child of God I was and that I deserved much better and I was hurting others by interfering in their journeys.
I have nothing to do with people who are drinking today. The dark insanity of that is not part of my life. My boundaries are getting more and more solid as I go thru this and it's taken time.
We are never without hope if we have God and the 12 steps. When you decide you don't want the insanity that will be the beginning.
I am truly sorry you are having such a difficult time. Congrats on making you a priority, it's a wonderful giflt to yourself. That whole disease talking stuff .. please take care of you. You are worth the love, you are capable of love. Something that I have found in my own recovery is that I blamed myself for things that the other person would choose to do. They made self destructing thoughts and acted upon them. Guess what ... we aren't together and they still make the same choices. I have an odd sense of peace about watching this .. I mean I don't want him to hurt himself or the kids .. it reminds me of how sick he really is, and the behavior still exists regardless if we stay together or not.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pinkchip said
17h, 10m ago
That's been my experience too Pushka. My ex-a is fully crazy with or without me lol.
-----------------------------------
This is so perfectly said! I couldn't agree more. I do want to caution you regarding any violence. My Abf/fiancé was the most sweet & loving man I've ever met, kind and gental, loving and caring in every way UNTIL the night he choked me over and over (10-12 times) repeatedly, allowing me a breath right befor I'd pass out and them choking me again. I was prepared to die that night .... I just knew it wasy end. I NEVER saw the potential for it coming, that was not who he was... But it IS what he is capable of. Please don't put yourself in danger ever, it's not worth it. I am just very LUCKY to have survived the ordeal and I would never want anyone to ignore the warning signs that I did.
Take care of yourself and lean on your HP for strength - day by day.
I went through many a dark night of tears, rows, recriminations and more with the ex A. That didn't end. That was all he knew how to do.
The ex A could also spring to jealousy, claims I did not love him. At one point he claimed his Uncle said I loved the dogs more than him. What kind of thing is that to say? And I know for a fact it was not true. He would do all he could to influence me that it was all me. I was the problem the one thing holding him back from his wonderful life. In fact that was the familiar call throughout his life, it was always his girlfriend (the last one before me) his bosss, his friends, his neighbor, his brother. Who ever it was they were the problem and he was the shining light of sanity for them all. He could create drama out of nothing and was very good at causing scenes, making me despair and feel totally unloved.
I read something this week that said peope who feel totally out of control obviously try to control those around them. What is more out of control than someone on drugs, drinking and slipping all over the place. Nowadays I do not engage in scenes of trying to negotiate with someone like that but it took a long long time for me to get there. I had to have points of no return. threats of suicide, homicide and more dramatic things were part of my past all the time. As far as I am concerned everytime the ex A crashed the truck/cars it was part of his suicidal demeanor but I did not see it at the time. I felt he had some control when he was always completely out of control and not really that committed to changing anything.
I spent so many nights, crying hysterically and feeling lost, fearful and abandoned. The good news is that you no longer have to feel like that. This group has a chat room where you can go at any time. You can stop arguing with the boyfriend and go there and get grounded and stop being mauled by suicide threats, arguments and more. I wore myself into the ground with those kind of things.
I am glad you are choosing recovery. These days my hope is entirely for my life not for a coupledom with anyone else but for so long I could not exist without being part of a couple.
