The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"Insanity" is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
So my AH and I got back together this late August. I wasn't too happy but I was in a financially vulnerable spot, and yes He is the father of my children, will always have feelings for him though I'm not in love with him. It seemed he changed, and really wanted to change this time. A day at a time right?
I was out of a job and was home all day able to manage what was going on. A week ago I started a part-time job and already there was missing money and missing items that he later admitted he pawned. The cycle is the same one of 8 years. I will NEVER be able to change him or his condition. I had a different romantic relationship this summer, didn't help me leave him.
The children love their dad. Why do I keep coming back? Is it because I still want my family together?
Because deep inside, I do love him? Or is it because I"m majorly codependent? How can I love a person that repeatedly is dishonest to me? In the end, I find myself being the bad person because I'm forever resentful.
I do not think I will ever understand the disease as I simply see it as a person fullfilling a compulsive need.....Is my staying with him a compulsive need?
These are all questions I got to ask myself because if I do leave it will be the 5th time in 8 years that we seperate....It usually isn't till it's too late when I usually do leave him (pawning almost everythig he can)...'
My mother says I'm always welcome at her house. I have a job interview for a full-time job on the 27th...we will see how that goes.
I know all of these are questions that only I can answer, but I've put many things on hold in my life for this person that keeps asking me to hold on to the hope.....that his career will take off for the best (and he has immense potential despite the fact he is on Suboxin.....the Suboxin and Doctor's visit takes it's toll on almost $900 a month with no health insurance)
It's the lies I cannot stand. It's emotional abuse, when my gut feeling tells me something, he lies about it, and then I find out later. I'm emotionally abusing him in return for being resentful.
I am so upset right now that we will not be sleeping in the same bed for quite a while. I need to just go on with my life, focus on my children's happiness and only hope they are not picking up the learned behavior that they see.
Unless he goes to couseling very soon, I'm not here to stay. I can either hold on to that hope and stop being spiteful......or move on without him and let it go.
It took my ex getting in the face of my 12 year old for nothing. She was telling him a funny story and he was plastered and went off. I thought he was going to beat the shite out her. That for me tipped it. No matter how co-dependent I was, no matter how much I forgave for the abuse to me, no matter how much I loved him, took those marital vows in sickness and in health I knew I had to end it. It was coming. I had known it for a long time and I just hadn't been honest with myself. That moment. Well, for me it was a "come to Jesus" moment. It was then that I began my plan to get out. This was not healthy for me and it was certainly not an example to show my daughter. If I didn't want her to marry a guy like that, why was I married to him?
So, maybe you haven't had that yet. Maybe it's never been that bad. Maybe you haven't had your moment of truth. I can promise you this....you are stronger than you think and you can accomplish whatever youput your mind to. Raising kids with no job as a single mom is no easy task...but being poor and healthy is a heck of a lot better than financially "secure" and sick...
When you get there...if you do...just know that you are strong enough!
Rose you don't say if you are attending face to face AFG meetings and if you're not I'd highly suggest them. This post sounds like you're on the crux of a 4th step...a searching and fearless, moral inventory the wanting to know about you and also about the why of you...the motives and intentions and all the other parts about you. The solutions are in the changing of ourselves and not the changing of the alcoholic. The alcoholic was the reason I did what I did and how I did it or where or when...that was all about me and I needed to find out about the one person I had lived my entire life with and knew nothing about...me. You're right about insanity. It's about me doing the same things over and over again. Good start...keep coming back ((((hugs)))))
I really feel for you and can empathise with your feelings. I have stayed with my wife for 12 years while slowly drinks and eats herself to death. I have been very co dependent and its hard breaking free (like really hard) but if I stay what example will I set my kids? My daughter walked when she was 16 and again when she was 17 for 4 months and threatened to do so again, so I decided life was too short. I was not helping my wife as I had become very detached to the point of indifference and all I was doing was helping her to drink. She did have a job but it was a fixed term and has ended which means money is going to be very tough as I may have to move again and leave my daughter. Sometimes life is very difficult and there is no gain without pain - I'm sure this is true but it is very scary and brings up all my defaults of character - especially the co dependency. Take all the support you can from family (if its healthy) and best of luck for the job. Its said God never gives us more than we can handle and so have Faith and Belief. And go to as many meetings as youcan - phone members and e mail.
