The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here I am doing my own thing and trying to find a place to live that isn't on my parent's dime.
I have to leave here in a few days and I have b arely enough money to get a room somewhere. Yet I know God will provide for me if my motives are right.
I guess my father thinks I am going to go into yet another living situation where he pays and yesterday he sent me very controlling, cruel emails telling me what I "need" to do and what I "must" do if I want his financial help. His demands were insanely unreasonable - demands that are meant to cause me immense worry, anxiety, being without the last things I have, doing things that are impossible physically that would cause me to run around insanely. And at 47 years old, I just don't feel like dealing right now with the extreme disrespect.
I've been saving my family by being the Bad One for years and I understand they're scared for me to change. They are emailing, calling, etc. My brother couldn't waste one minute calling me in the last 10 years but even he has called. My amends are made to these people and there's nothing more I can do for them.
I assume they probably can't face having Christmas without me there, appeasing that what they do is and has been all right.
It's not alright and I'm not ok.
I want to watch my pride and I don't want to be at a Mexican Standoff with them. I don't want to punish anyone. I just want to be free and let them be free to be themselves and make their own choices. I'm afraid they'll stop me with some sort of last tactics - maybe police? Sectioning me? Who knows what they'll do?
So I feel I must not talk to them until I have already settled into a new place. THis means not talking to them at Christmas. I need this week to take action to change my life. Do you think it's awful not to call them on Christmas?
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Sunday 23rd of December 2012 06:10:59 PM
There's what's right and also what's practical. If you think they will get even more worried and maybe try to section you if you don't call them at Christmas, then maybe calling them is the better choice. Being out of touch at Christmas (if you've been there before) might seem so extreme that they will go to extreme measures in return. You know them best so you know what the chances are. If you don't call them, you might want to tell them ahead of time that you won't, so they don't think you are floating in a river or something. ("Otherwise she'd call -- something must be very wrong -- we should call the police" -- etc.)
But what you never have to do is listen to their criticism. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
What I did is I stepped back for a few days and then an hour ago I called the house. I was careful about the information I shared with them and gave no details/. I let them know I was fine and safe and just taking care of business. I have a good excuse for not showing up this year, I have a weird thing going on where I could infect them physically...details don't matter, they understand. This is perfect because as much as I love them I can't handle it right now...I need more Alanon tools and time to get healthy and get to my own living situation. In a few months maybe but not right now.
I told my father I loved him and wished him a Merry Christmas. I did no care-taking. When he asked the name of the hotel I'm going to for a few days I told him I can't remember the name because I can't.
I believe I am learning not to punish anyone but also take care of myself as you both suggest.
Thanks for taking the time to read. Now let me go try to help someone here.
