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Okay, so what happened is that the hubby came into the bedroom this AM as I was waking up with the 1st cup of coffee and he says, "I don't know how to say this so I'll just say it, You have been verbally abusive to me in front of other people and I want it to stop." And I just looked at him and said, "oh? well okay." And now I have been getting more and more angry and I just want to put it behind me but my brain won't let me. I am trying to think of what in the heck did I say? Am I guilty or is he trying to muzzle me? Is it my truth that he doesn't like?
We were with his family last night for a Christmas party and his older brother (who has always been a bully so I have learned a way to shut him down is to be outlandish so he has to think before he replies), he asked me why we only go on vacation for a week at a time and not for a month. So I said to him that "we would probably kill eachother on a month's vacation. Too much togetherness." My SIL laughed and my BIL didn't pursue the conversation. But I guess my hubby didn't like my remark.
My words are a reflection on ME, not the hubby. I didn't nag on him when he embarrassed me daily with his drinking so why is it any different now. Mind you, he has been in AA for over 12 years and me in AlAnon for as long. It never gets easier. Why is that?
Okay, the answer is in the 12 steps. I will work it out. I try to take the high road but we all slip.
If I had a dollar for everytime my A said something like that to me I wouldn't need a job! While not comforting to you, it did make me feel better that your A has 12 yrs of program and is still doing it... Sad I know but I would have never expected that. I guess it must be among the things A's inherently do, as every one I know in alanon deal with that aspect. I've always tried to do as you did and just let it roll off as I know it's within his mind & not something I'm really doing - and I don't think you did anything wrong either. Seems they always feel threatened as if we are after their dignity or manhood.
Give yourself a pass on this one ... It's likely him not you, hope
You can have a pleasant day after that for a start. Kudos for 12 yrs of program, that alone says alot about how much work you have put into the relationship!
Something to take into consideration and trust me I have had a boss who has told me you know why people don't like it when donkey's go to college? LOL .. no one likes a smart a$$. I had a good laugh, at the same time I think that sarcasm tends to be one of my corner stones and I'm talking about me here to my own passive/agressive behavior. If you do an inventory and it's not then it is what it is .. at the same time your spouse did come to you in an appropriate way and say he didn't like something sooooo it's something to look at.
This is strictly my opinion .. you said it .. the answer IS in the 12 steps and maybe a step 4 - 10 is something to think about.
PS - no one is perfect and I'm less to like it when someone calls me out and I'm more likely to feel angry and guilty if I know they might be right. Actually I had a situation happen with my daughter and we are both right. I just hate to say she happens to be more right in the situation and my reaction to it was purely human .. it doesn't make what I did in response ok. AND I'm going to have to own it and say yup .. you were right and I was wrong (even if it's only the fact I"m just a little less wrong than she is right!!!) .. try having to say that to a 13 year old I won't live it down until she's 30 .. LOL!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
After 12 years in the program, I would hope he could give an example of when you did this and you could then do an appropriate 10th step of your own. Neither of you are mind readers. I've been sober for a while too and I can still distort 1 thing that someone says and stew on it for a while until I get it out or work through it in the right way. Discussions about what the other person meant have often helped me as I know that no matter how long I am sober, I get messed up ideas in my head. Sometimes, i do need to step up and tell folks to treat me with more respect, but more common is that I have misinterpretted something or someone's honest mistake and blown it out of proportion. Communication with each other in a nonconfrontational way will be ideal if you can swing it.
Thanks to everyone. I knew I could get some mental relief here just by saying it out loud and hearing your responses. Yeah, it was sarcasm, but it also had a grain of truth because we have had the discussion of taking a long vacation and I told him I didn't want to..... because I didn't want to be away from my support groups for that long. And what I didn't tell him was because I hate it when he doesn't get to his meetings and slowly turns into a worse dry drunk. And he now takes prescription pills to deal with all his anxiety and depression from having cancer 5 years ago.
So, I will own up to my sarcasm and I will be very careful in the future. I know I don't like sarcasm and I didn't even identify it when I was saying it....thanks Pushka.
And Angie, 12 years in the program, either program, is only as good as the work that has been done with the steps. They are the key to recovery. Honesty and ability and willingness to change make the difference. I need the willingness to change. I feel that my changing would be at my expense. I keep waiting for him to change. I don't think it is going to happen and it is the wrong thing for me to be waiting for. Bless them, change me.
And Pinkchip, I only wish we could talk. When we first married (in 1971) I was a chatty Cathy. I talked all the time about anything and everything. I was so excited about living and all that was going on around me. As the years went by and the alcoholism got worse I learned about topics that had to be avoided or else I always had a headache from the arguments and the manipulation. I had to sort out the lies from the truth and finally gave up and didn't care . More and more topics were added to the list of things to be avoided. When he first got sober in 2000 I hoped things would return to the days of our early marriage. I didn't push the issue because I was still being careful with his feelings. I realized (through doing the steps of the program) that I was allowing it to stay the same because it was more comfortable for me to keep my distance than to tiptoe around the eggshells and possibly hurt his feelings.
I worked hard to get back my respect for him and that included respecting his right to his own opinions and his version of his truth.
Nonconfrontational communication is very difficult. Just mentioning a subject is confrontational. He still defends his lies to me. It is not worth my headaches to fight it. Some day I know this will all blow up in my face. No, he did not tell me specifically what I said that offended him. I am supposed to guess or read his mind. I will try to ask.
