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I wonder...what else must come.I feel pushed, i feel not respected, i feellet down, i feel invisible.
on top of that my ABF calls me selfish, cold, angry, unforgiving...he accuses me of leaving him, which i haven't , i have just gone immobile, trying to detach, not answering phonecalls, not to take more abuse...because he relapsed last week. he calls me selfish, he tells me I am having wild xmas parties, enjoying life, while he had to go to misery and back. he accuses me of not taking care of him when he went down, just because i didn't stand in the first row anymore. I am exhausted, i don't know what to do or say, or not to do or say to make this nightmare end. it is as if he was talking out the things that I would actually be positioned to accuse him of, which i don't do because I don't like hurting or manipulating a person like that anymore. So i learned to shut up and detach, now i get it all full in my face...
i want this to stop... I am not being selfish, i know that, i am just taking care of me...but he seems determined not to let me...he prefers arguing with me than going silent! and after all the crap he just tells me that i am uncapable of love and that he doesn't deserve all that, and he blames me when i hang up the phone.
Hang tough Tortuga! I have found that when I make the change to "detach with love" and start focusing on myself, the A in my life (and others to whom I've been care taking) don't like it at first. People around us get used to us acting a certain way, responding to their behaviors a certain way--like the gears in a defective machine. Your ABF is confused and wants the "old you" back the way you were which in an odd way--supported his drinking. He's pulling out all the stops and frantically pushing your buttons that hit you at your core to pull you back to that enmeshed, even obsessed state (for me it was obsession with my A's behavior). To detach means you are making a statement saying "I will not participate in the running and maintanence of this defective machine any longer. I love you, but I cannot do it" Your machine parts have worn thin. When you detach and STAY that way despite his desperate pleas to pull you back, he is left with his own drinking, consequences, and "stuff". Holding it all by himself. Sometimes, this is what makes an A make changes because you are not there to cushion any more. Trying to change his behavior is not a REASON to detach with love--moving to your own mental sobriety is the only reason, but sometimes the A making changes is a side effect. Sometimes not. But only in detaching can you find peace for YOU and then you have a clear head on choices you can make for your own well being--made from a peaceful, non-crisis state. Writing this helps me get to and stay in this detached state --which is really the only place we can be and still have ourselves. Hugs to you. I will be thinking of you as I am on this same journey. Peace to you...
IYou are right It is pure, or not so pure madness. I know that in my experience he would do anything to keep the interaction going, Fighting was better than silence and saying mean things was a sure way to get a response.
Program tools work but they are not easy. I too have experienced the phenomena of him accusing me of things that were really what he was doing and experiencing. I too would not pick up the phone or if the discussion became insane I would say:" I am hanging up now this is going no where, Please Call your sponsor or the AA hot line.:
I knew in my heart that I was taking care of myself and that he HAD to start to care of himself.
Call Alanon members, your sponsor and up your meetings this is a very hard time of year
I see me and my A In all of these descriptions. I've always been so confussed on how it was that HE could spin every issue and turn it back on me over & over no matter what the subject... Just insanity! It's a hard thing to deal with when you know YOU are the one being mistreated or done wrong and yet they work their alcoholic magic on it and somehow come out using it against you!
Just hang on and focus on you. That's right where I am too and I know it is very hard! Dealing with their issues is just draining and woth the holidays it makes me want to attempt to be more patient with my A but to no avail.. They still have all the sickness that alcoholism brings and unfortunately no amount of our patience will make it better.
Your doing well on detaching with love - for your sanity and health. Just keep up the good work... I know it gets better, I've seen it first hand!
Thank you for writing about your experiences... it doesn't necessarily make the situation easier, but it shows me that I am not completely insane... i am tired of the blaming and the anger..I just want peace. but damn, he fights hard!!and wit Christmas on the porch, he surely gets to my emotions very easy (we planned to do a nice thing together...i even bought a later ticket to home to celebrate his first Xmas with him, since he has another cultural background...thats how selfish i have been) oh dear.... i feel like crying all the time, why does it always have to be so dramatic! thanks to you all, I hold on tight to MiP for the last few month, i think you might be saving my mind. Merry Christmas with love
your are not alone. i have just got to experience this with my hubby. the past few weeks have been confusing hell. if anything gets touchy he finds a reason to pick at me about something i did.. what is detach? and how do you do it? it sounds hard. i have been parying and reading "Power Of A Praying Wife" trying to let the Lord have control. i feel like i have failed at supporting him. hang in there and keep trying to trust thay God is with you.......
Love does not have to be so dramatic. You are getting accused of leaving him, treating him like crap, and basically getting non-stop negative messages. What about that is worth hanging on to? This sounds like it is his normal way of behaving when people don't do what he wants. Not telling you to leave him, but what if you did? Don't you deserve to have peace, and if you do engage in a romantic relationship, why not with someone that treats you with respect and not manipulative abuse?
I don't give too much credence to what others say, especially if they are drinking. It sounds like your boyfriend is pretty much a walking paradox right now...it is he who is selfish, it is he who is not taking care of himself...why would you put so much stock into what a sick person says? Because we are sick too, that's why, and because of that we're affected.
We are all selfish if we're this affected, esp to the point of exhaustion. Selfish means, "What do I want here?"
Once you figure that out and let go of your demands on him you will be free.
tortuga wrote:
I wonder...what else must come.I feel pushed, i feel not respected, i feellet down, i feel invisible.
on top of that my ABF calls me selfish, cold, angry, unforgiving...he accuses me of leaving him, which i haven't , i have just gone immobile, trying to detach, not answering phonecalls, not to take more abuse...because he relapsed last week. he calls me selfish, he tells me I am having wild xmas parties, enjoying life, while he had to go to misery and back. he accuses me of not taking care of him when he went down, just because i didn't stand in the first row anymore. I am exhausted, i don't know what to do or say, or not to do or say to make this nightmare end. it is as if he was talking out the things that I would actually be positioned to accuse him of, which i don't do because I don't like hurting or manipulating a person like that anymore. So i learned to shut up and detach, now i get it all full in my face...
i want this to stop... I am not being selfish, i know that, i am just taking care of me...but he seems determined not to let me...he prefers arguing with me than going silent! and after all the crap he just tells me that i am uncapable of love and that he doesn't deserve all that, and he blames me when i hang up the phone.
