The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I came into recovery I said I was gonna change.
After I went through the 12 steps and 3 more years of practicing the latter steps, it became claer to me that I needed to stop being an adult child wrapped into the insanity, chaos and control of my parents who hav enever been willing to seek recovery or help. I am the one they "worry" about etc...and I have asked them to pay for my rent for 10 years now. I did that because I was emotionally exhausted and couldn't sleep (I wonder why?!) :)
Last summer I knew God wanted me to give up my comforts and make my own way in life no matter what it looked like (shelter, single room, roommates etc.) I am 47 and have relationship problems and didn't want roomates. I didn't want to give up my nice houses and apartments my parents were paying for. I didn't listen to God and when my lease was up in October I asked parents to rent yet another place for me.
It's been a disaster of course. The place had mold in the bathroom walls and the spores covered and ruined all my belongings. I moved again to yet ANOTHER place with the same problem. I've spent 2 months running from toxic mold spores. I've gotten sick and my whole spiritual and emotional life has been in a dark abyss with few meetings etc.
I am letting go.
Today a big truck is coming to take my things. Everything I own that is left is now in 3 large plastic bins. They will go into storage which I will pay for. I will also not go to yet another apartment that my parents pay for. I found a tiny room in a rooming house and I will go there with only myself, a few toiletries, and God. I will start my life over. I have barely enough money to do it and it's gonna be hard.
I did this when I was 19 and I'm right abck there again. The difference is this will be the first time in recovery I am doing this. Taking the train, the bus, getting work, not giving a darn who sees me walking down the street with a 3rd hand jacket on. So what if people know we have problems? Tomorrow always comes and the goal is to get to a place whre we can help others. I can get off disabilty (I'm no longer disabled, I have GOD!) pay my student loans, and being a responsible citizen. I bet I'll sleep too.
Yes, I am terrified. And no, I don't like to be uncomfortable. And no, I don't like hard work. I don't like walking. I don't like humbling myself and not having my fancy leather boots, clothes, purse, living situation, etc. But maybe this will finally work.
This is change.
ALways listen to that beautiful, gentle, quiet voice insode of you.
And by the way, God did not do this. That is not Who He is. My self-will did this. And it's perfect.
Happy Holidays from my house (???) to yours.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Saturday 22nd of December 2012 02:38:45 PM
What an inspiring message!! It is clear that you are definitely "Working Through" a great deal and walking the walk. Until program, finding the softer easier way, was always me goal in life . Since program I am experiencing the joy if living by principles and showing up one day at a time with HP and the courage that I have been given.
I have found, as you have, that listening to that "Still small voice within" is a powerful tool and that I will not be lead astray.
Thanks Betty! Showing up. You are right! I got the feeling today that I just might be able to be rested and show up for meetings and be one among many. And it's also about showing up for my life. It has been stuck for many years.
I still have a long road ahead of me. This is only the beginning.
Also today I realize I am not responsible for other people's worrying about me. For gosh sake's I'm almost 50 years old and have God and the 12 steps. Not involving people in my life to the degree I have will get rid of my part in others' worry about me.
Working - your post is so inspiring to me today. Our stories are different but I too need to find a job an apartment/room and begin being and independent adult. I've been "mom" for almost 19yrs and my choices have led me to be starting over from scratch at 38. Thank you for this post and congratulations
On your journey and hard work!
Thanks Angie! It has taken me a lot of work and pain too, to get to this place where I am only just beginning. I didn't have to drag myself or my family through more insanity. But it took what it took. I am learning to watch for the opportunities. God kept presenting me with opportunities to change but I was ready when I was ready. God bless.
