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here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My Abf/fiancé decided to go into an inpatient alcohol & mental health program last night. I moved out of our home 6 weeks ago after a violent episode & only took my clothes & a few of my kids keepsakes. While I have explained to him repeatedly that we may likely never live together again he is holding on tight to that possibility, saying he's ok if it takes months or years.
While he is away is my opportunity to gather the remaining items that are mine at the apartment...$1000's of dollars in craft supplies ( I scrapbook) my daughters bed, 2 curious & their contents that I owned prior to the relationship, etc.... I have no plans to take anything jointly acquired. While I brought a car load of items to my parents today & packed the remaining items to be moved tomorrow I worry about having to tell him I am doing this. He has wanted me to leave everything so it felt like it was still "our" home & all there ready for my return. I know I probably shouldn't feel guilty for getting my belongings... I know his perception will be that it is a sign that I have no plans to return ever & be an easy excused for failure or "why even try" for him.
I'm staying in my childhood bedroom with my parents.. I haven't worked in 12 years as I was raising children (married 14 yrs prior to this 28 month fiasco with my A)
Truth is I HAVE to get a job, be an independent adult & of course would like to live on my own as soon as reasonably possible. Due to the violence leading up to my leaving my parents advised me that "stuff could be replaced & my life wasn't worth the risk" but now that I can safely remove it and put my things in storage it would be nice to have those things for my future independence.
I hate feeling like I'm being sneaky or doing something wrong "behind his back".
Reality is we probably won't live together again unless I see a miracle in his life over a minimum of a year... I never want to be choked or be told I'm going to die EVER again & I worry if it could happen once when I never thought it was possible .. It could happen again.
Just conflicted tonight, hate that I still worry so much about how HE interprets & twists thing that I do or say!
I also have an abf, who had to leave the family home due to violence. From what ive read from your post, you have been straight up with him. You are not doing anything sneaky by taking your things from the home you shared. I also think by you taking your things now is the right thing, he has alot to deal with but thats his deal. Better that he understands now rather than false ideas that he may be cultivating, he has to face the impact of what his actions have caused, best that he does this when he has the support in rehab to help him face these painful truths. If your motives are good than you have acted in a way thats is healthy for you and your daughter. You have to be safe.
Love and much support Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I'm gonna hit ya from a bit of a different angle here, so please bear with me.... but first things first, I am so grateful you found us & I hope to see you around. Moving on... I have never been in a physically abusive relationship with a spouse, but, I had to help my mother get away from my father. I remember actually feeling what I thought was guilt for "sneaking to help her get her stuff (and mine)", but in the end it was not guilt, it was fear. I know that now. We were all living in fear. I agree with your parents, that the stuff can be replaced and your life is not worth the risk, but these are you & your children's belongings, and you have a safe chance to get them. In my humble opinion, if your motives are good you are making a healthy decision. You do not deserve these feelings of guilt. I will be praying that you will get the comfort you need to hand those feelings over, and that your children have the comfort they need as well. I also love what Zimmy has to say above my post there.
Also, worrying that he will think "why even try?" when he comes back is futile. I find that some folks really believe they are that powerful over alcoholism and it's not because they are dumb but I guess they want to think it's a sign of their relationship having had meaning - but remember step 1: We are POWERLESS over alcohol and it made our lives unmanageable. If something like moving your things was going to have any efect one way or another on his recovery - that would be assuming you have power over his addiction. You don't. It is totally unpredictable just like his violent temper and that is the reason you are doing what you are doing now.
If he is working a program of recovery, finds his HP, is truly truly getting it and wants it with his heart and soul - He will not be deterred by your moving your stuff or the end of the relationship. Coming from being in AA, I can tell you that most of us had to lose just about everything to have a better shot at sobriety anyhow. Sobriety can be contingent upon nothing. So if it was contingent upon you guys getting back together, that is probably why he's been failing to stay sober and why he may fail again. He has to want to be sober more than anything.
Hence, please let go of the idea that moving your stuff away will hinder his recovery. Similar to that, you can move on from him also because he will only recover when it is clear that it's a matter of life and death and something he needs to do regardless of anything else going on in his life. If he does do it or doesn't, it wont be because of you. Alcoholics don't drink because of break ups or other people. They drink because they are alcoholics and they are busted on the inside.
Thank you all for your responses. This has given me comfort this morning that I am making an ok choice that is fair to me & not unfair to him. Wish I could just worry about me once in awhile rather the Always feeling the need to consider his feelings too. I'm getting there slowly thank you all again!
You are truly powerless over his disease and his reaction to you and what he thinks. Get out! Violence is not acceptable. In Alanon we learn to focus on ourselves.
