The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in full blown codependency relapse. I'm going to a f2f meeting tomorrow at 11:00. The quick version: My AH relapsed after 2 1/2 years of sobriety about 6 weeks ago...got back into program...then 2 weeks ago came home drunk, denied it, got angry and left for overnight, came back the next morning rageful and violent. I called around and got an emergency appointment with an attorney to get more info on my options....AH later that day slightly remorseful, vowing to immerse in program and saw an addiction specialist MD who put him on some meds to help stabilize his mood. I was feeling so much better--he was back in his program sometimes attending meetings twice a day. This week one night he comes home smelling of booze and I privately confronted him: "I know you were drinking tonight" he vehemently denies this, though his typical behavior changes were present and he reeked of alcohol. We basically agreed to disagree. He is still going to meetings, taking meds, etc, but I am filled with anxiety and complete and total loss of trust in him. I project that he thinks since he was able to "pull it off" with drinking this week and not becoming verbally abusive, "convincing " me that he wasn't drinking, that he can continue drinking as long as he's not abusive--hey, what can she be mad at?
We went out to dinner tonight and when he went to the restroom I was terrified he was going to stop and do some quick shots at the bar before joining the kids and I at the table. (he didn't) My kids wanted him to walk a few blocks to bring the car up since it was cold, I panicked and insisted we all needed a brisk walk after dinner as there are a few bars on the way to where we parked--I was afraid he would drink before bringing the car to us. I am a nervous wreck. Because when he was actively drinking 2 1/2 years ago he was verbally abusive (sometimes physically abusive) I am terrified of what is coming next for us. With him denying he was drinking this week, I feel like we lost even more ground on the future of our marriage. I don't know if we can stay married. My insides are in knots. The topics in ODAT on fear are helpful. Any thoughts are appreciated too. Thank you. Sorry so long.
Hugs and I'm sooo glad you are going to a meeting.
I think one of the scariest things for me to admit is how powerless I am over people, places, things (and the past). I am powerless over someone else's drinking. It pretty well sucks. You have a lot of very rational fear that you have shared especially given the past history.
When I am in a full blown panic I need time to get myself right, part of that is working steps 1,2,3 and doing that waltz. I also believe in doing the footwork this includes a plan B for if things get out of control.
You always have choices and options, take a breath and remember to continue to breathe.
If your A is actively drinking he's not trust worthy so trust yourself and your HP even more. His actions have proven that he's not ok. You know what you know and I'm not an expert on confronting someone who is violent. I prefer not to because someone who is in an altered state of mind is so not ok AND they are very unpredictable.
Please take care of you, make sure you have any phone numbers you need and a bag packed so if you need to go you can easily move yourself and the kids out of harms way.
Hugs P
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This has got to be a nightmare for you. We all hope for sobriety for the alcoholics that we love but your story makes you realize that no matter how long it's been, relapse can happen at any time. Such a hard way to live.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Hi, crazycatlady. I am a crazy cat lady too. When I am feeling overwhelmed worrying about whats to come I like to get to a meeting. I hear you say you're going tomorrow, that is wonderful. No one knows what will be or what you should do.. but one thing is certain.. if you get yourself to meetings, listen, and apply the al-anon principles, things will get better for you, no matter what your A does. I am thinking of you tonight, as my street is covered in snow here.. its a beautiful world, yet, I used to not be able to see it that way at all. It was in my letting go that I could begin to see it and feel it and be it. You are so beautiful and you are so loved by your higher power.. and by me, a total stranger.. i don't know you.. but I love you.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
hay crazycat lady...well done for facing your fears (no denial), it so hurts being let down and not in control. You focus on you one day at time. Keep handing him over to his HP, and talk and pray to yours to help you through this very tough time. I find it so hard to let go of the past and still try and control or force situations. Especially hard when you have kids and its the holidays coming up. Please take care of you.
Much love and support
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
You could call it "codependency" but it also seems like a normal post-trauma reaction. If you'd been in a train wreck, you'd be afraid, hypervigilant, avoiding, and overly anxious about trains right? Well, he is exposing you to something that was and is terrifying to you. Not saying you have PTSD, just that it's on that continuum. Sometimes it helps to know there is a valid reason for what you are going through. I guess a lot of what goes on in alanon is to give you tool to know you can deal with whatever new trauma his disease brings on. It's to empower you so your aren't terrorized and as fearful. Hence, it will help you a lot to get active in meetings and get a sponsor.
Thank you all so much for your comments. I appreciate your kindness and connection in a way I cannot express. I went to my f2f meeting this morning and it was like pushing my reset button. We discussed the ODAT reading for today and the ESH expressed was inspiring. I got a few numbers and I am enjoying being focused on the moment and trying not to let fear overtake me. Pink chip, I do agree that while codependency behaviors have been my response, I have all of the symptoms of PTSD. Absolutely. I appreciate your validation of the way I am feeling. Thank you all again for your love and support.
--crazycatlady
