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I decided I was ready to send out the divorce papers today. I made a mistake though, I decided to take them by his house and drop them off because he was pretty adament about getting them right away and I wanted an oppurtunity to say good bye. He has been denying me that this whole time and it has been hard to not be able to have some sort of end to it all. I had some things here that got moved by family that were his and I wanted to return those as well. Mailing a furniture dolly is a bit spendy.
Got myself all ready and went to his house. Its only about 10 mins away and as I got closer I started to remember all the times while we were dating that I would show up because he would not answer the phone, only to have him either refuse to answer the door or answer and tell me that he did not want to see me. He was usually drunk than too. Here is a big red flat I ignored.
Got to the house, his car was there, lights on inside. I took everything up the stairs and knocked. Knocked again and again. Still no answer. Waited about 5 mins and knew that he was not going to answer the door. Inside I could see many cases of beer and boxes of wine. Empty pizza boxes all over the kitchen floor. I started to shake uncontrollably and thought to myself I could not believe I had set myself up for this. I should have known better.
Went out to his car and put the divorce papers and his handmade Christmas stocking inside. When I got in my car I noticed him looking out the window at me. He was trying to hide behind the wall and peek out. I called his cell. No answer. He peeked out again as I was pulling out of the driveway, watching me the whole time.
I did not think it was right hiding like that. I am his wife for crying out loud. I am the person he asked to marry him and promised to spend his life with. I could not believe he did this to me, that he left me standing on his front porch, divorce papers in hand and refuse to even see me.
I called him again and left a message this time, stating that it was not right what he had done, that I deserved to be able to at least hand him the papers, return his items to him and say good bye, like an adult.
Its like a wave of emotion had run over the top of me. I cried the whole way home, shaking and hysterical. My husband is divorcing me. He does not want to heal himself or our marriage. He does not love me anymore and he does not want to be a part of my life. While I am trying so hard to recover from this and heal myself, finally truly accepting it is pretty painful.
I am allowing myself to feel the hurt tonight. One night of self pity and feeling sad over what is going on in my life is ok. Tomorrow I will make all the goodies for a family dinner and enjoy our annual get together. Kids are leaving for their dads on Sunday and I will have my first night alone. I am going to watch Christmas movies, drink hot chocolate and wrap presents. I won't wallow forever but one night is ok. I have tried to let myself feel my emotions but I think I have been really avoiding the pain as much as possible. Not today. Let myself feel it and finish it.
Thanks for hearing me out, feeling better just admitting how much it all hurts.
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, but great idea to give yourself some time to feel your feelings and move through them. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
You are very brave and strong to go over there and face him. It's his loss that he chose the cowardly way out. He will wake up from his fog one day and I'm sure regret his loss. Feel good about yourself because you have done all you can do and you are now taking care of yourself. You are an amazing person.
I so understand what you are saying, .. maybe when you are ready what I am going to say now will make sense. YES .. by the way, a one night pity party is ok .. just don't let the seat get glued to your butt!! I have found that the pain that I feel the worst is always the pain that I cause myself. The whole I set myself up and I knew it was coming yet I did it anyway stuff.
You just can't nail jello to a tree and expect that someone is going to act the way I think they should after all I know my A doesn't think like I do and I thank God every single day that is the case. You aren't dealing with a grown up, not a real one, expecting him to behave as such is like expecting a baby to know how to talk in adult language .. they don't know how.
I'm just so sorry for the pain and so glad you realize this too shall pass.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I was not even able to glue my butt to the seat for a one night pity party! I don't sit still well, so did my white elephant gift shopping and started in on the pies for tomorrows dinner. I can feel it sitting in my throat ready to come out in a lot of tears, it just doesn't seem to be happening for me. There have only been a couple spurts of tears that I seem to force quickly to stop and when I am ready to sit and let them happen, it doesn't. I feel so numb some days.
I agree, I know that I could have avoided this pain today, in my heart I knew he would not give me what I was looking for. I imagined one of 2 things, he would not open the door, or he would open it, ask why I was there, take the papers and tell me to leave. While it was crushing, I set myself up for the failure of my expectations. I have been doing really well at not having any expectations of him so that I did not feel any let down. Today I guess I just really was hoping. I just know that this was the last chance, the last time I would try, the last time I would hope. I have always held out hope that my husband would change his mind, become free of this beast and love his family. Yet, the reality is, it will never happen. He has decided and will not change before too much damage is done.
I was so hurt by it because I know that if his head ever does clear from the fog, I won't be there any more. This was a closing of the door in the most complete way for me. He wanted divorce papers, I signed them and now he has them. He won't hesitate to file. Guarantee you he will be there on Monday. We all know it will be Christmas Eve and will be spending time with our families, but he won't go see anyone or leave his house at all, except to file for his divorce from me.
I actually asked the kids if they wanted to invite him to our Christmas dinner. He has been in our life for 10 years and its hard to think of him being all alone that day. They said no. He did not want to be there as a family so they don't want him coming to our family dinner. That was fine with me, I actually agree with them. I just don't want to deny them the time to see him if they ever really did want it. I am pretty confident if one of my kids called him, he would not answer, but would call them back. Complete opposite of what he does for me, his wife.
