The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im back on the daughter/granddaughter thing today. Backstory is my alcoholic/addict daughter chose to give up custody of her daughter to us and leave and go back to Michigan and had to come right back. So she came ack, under the understood condition that she live somewhere else so she can grow up and be able one day to be a good mother hopefully. Because of what this has already done to the baby, social services, her nurse and the rest of the connected people, they say maximum, she should only be able to visit a couple times a week, if that. We spent the last two weeks in a hotel due to my wife accidentally leaving 6 bottles, a bunch of nipples and the rings in a boiling pan of water and falling asleep which filled the house with toxic smoke, so in order to get it all cleaned up, the insurance company had to send someone in to clean.
In the meantime, the nurse showed up in the hotel for a 4 hour meeting to discuss the situation with my daughter and wife about the babys care, and all the while, my daughter tried to negotiate with the nurse to no avail how she wanta to come back "home" to be with her baby, and got nowhere with her. Basically, the nurse called her irrisponsible and wreckless even before the baby was born.
Anyway, now shes negotiating with us trying to get us to change our minds and let her come. She has no job, no transportation, so if she did, my wife would be raising two people instead of one. Shes totally 100% dependent on other people for everything. Shes at a pretty nice place for 400 a month and everythings covered. My wife and I talked about it as we said we would, and we are leaning heavily on no. I already know she wont deal with it well, and I dont think Im dealing with it too well either. Shes in AA, but isnt doing much in her program to get better, and like the nurse said, youre going to have to prove youre a capable mother before youre going to get this baby back. She kept repeating "I just want to come "home" and be with my baby. To which the nurse kept replying- "Its not your home, its your fathers home". "Youre a visitor".
I just need some strength and guidance from you folks on what youve done in similar circumstances. Im angry that I have to do this at all. Im also sad because of what alcoholism has done to her and this baby, and I hate the position its put me in. I know I have to choose to help this little one without question, but this whole situation is damn hard. Lastnight I was able to let it all go, but because of the constant pleading, I have had to revisit it all again, knowing I have this decision to make- one which Ive made already and Im nervous about carrying it out. My true codependent side is really wreaking havoc on me tonight.
This situation is indeed terribly hard and I understand your pain and your need to look for alternate solutions. I do think you really do not have many other choices. Your daughter has given up the child to you and her mother and Social Services are heavily involved. They are refusing her appeal to live with you.
I do not see where you have a choice. If you agree to letting her move in, you may loose your grand daughter for good and be responsible for having her permanently removed to Foster care. You can truly tell your daughter that you love her and her child but in the interest of her child you cannot change the rules that Social Services established.
I would up my meetings and stay close to program. Dave you and your family are In my prayers.
Thanks, hotrod. I pretty much figured this is what has to happen, just dealing with all the emotions attached to it all. Life can sure be hard at times. And im getting too old for this stuff.
We broke the news to my daughter this morning because she just wouldnt let it go. She kept badgering and bargaining over and over until my wife said the hell with it and told her. My job I realize, but I didnt know she was even on the phone with her until I came downstairs. It went about as I expected and Im sure more bargaining is to come, but Im sticking to my guns. I just have to remind myself that this was put on us, and were going to do the best job we can. Alanon meeting tonight. Thanks for listening to me rant.
