The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling a mixture of anger and frustration, with a little "just go to hell" thrown in. I'm trying not to give a damn, but its hard. This evening just my husband and I are home. It could have been nice. It should have been nice. But he started drinking this afternoon and I could tell it would just end in disappointment. He wanted me to download a movie for us to watch. So I did. I didn't really care what it was because I knew that he would be asleep within 15 minutes of its starting. And I was right. I got up and left the room. At 7:30 he got up and went to bed. Another great evening. I almost dumped out all his bottles, but I didn't because I know it won't make any difference. Now those bottles are just sitting there on the kitchen counter. Maybe I should put them back in the cupboard. Part of me wants to have a big fight about it. I'd like to hear him defend his behaviour. I want to yell and cry. I want him to really see the anger and hurt that I feel. But none of that will happen. And its Christmas next week. My son is coming home from university and I just want to be happy with my kids.
I just need to put up with this for another year and a half until my daughter graduates from high school. Am I supposed to tell my husband that I`m not planning to put up with his problem indefinitely? Is that threatening? Even if its true? Is being honest helpful or not? I find it difficult to pretend we have a future together, but what exactly am I supposed to do?
What you are feeling is completely normal. It is normal to feel crazy and mixed up with a lot of anger and frustration thrown in. It's a very powerful cocktail of emotions. You haven't indicated if you are currently attending face to face meetings. When I feel what you are describing I gotta get to a meeting and make sure that all of my focus on what he's doing or not doing in my case it involves the kids. It's not easy to keep the focus on me when he's in the throws of drunk thinking.
Whatever you choose to do .. do it with a clear mind, heart and head. There are some great books out there the Getting Them Sober series I really recommend, Vol 4. Deciding to stay or go is completely up to you, there are some really great thoughts and information in these books that help make a difficult situation easier.
I struggle still with my dark fantasies and it's not easy to reign myself in when that sword of justice is perceived to sit at my right hand. It can be weilded so easily and feels so light, even as far as right in terms of the situation. A broken dream is a broken dream regardless of who's dream it is or ideal maybe is a better way to put it.
Please take care of you, I truly encourage you (strongly .. lol, trying not to should here) to go to a meeting and find peace with whatever your decision. It has put me in a better place with my higher power, which has helped me place the sword down when I really really really want to pick it up. I am learning to place my trust in the God of my understanding and find happiness regardless of the situation.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
((((U)))) It now takes me a while to remember those days and times and I still can. I also remember what turn it around for me and it was the first three steps of the Al-Anon Program. I can't...God can...I'll let Him/Her. The last word of the 2nd step is...Sanity...Came to believe a power...Greater than myself...could lead me to SANITY. I had to work the first one alot to get all the way thru 2. The healing is in the steps and in order to do the steps I have to detach from the alcoholic and the insanity of the disease. I got to the point where I constantly practiced what Pushka said..."get to the meeting" Not getting to the meetins almost made me believe I was a masochist...a lover of pain. I agree with you that not working a program of recovery just leaves me in the disease and that is a waste of my time.
Hope tomorrow is better...Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
