The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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Having a rough patch lately. I am depressed most of the time, except when I am at work. Last night I couldn't even enjoy spending time with our 20 month old grandson. The wife asks me what is wrong and I reply I am just sad. I start to cry. I have other issues in my life that I am trying to deal with. I think I could handle them but then the addition of the wife's drinking just adds to it. I never mentioned her drinking to her in all of this. It's frustrating and sad. I feel like now when I say nothing to her it's almost like my "dirty little secret" even though I have said a couple months ago that I have a problem with her drinking. Since then, said nothing. I overlook the hidden glasses and the mistrust I have for her when it comes to the drinking. I almost want to tell her it would be easier for me if she just stopped hiding it. I won't condone it but the feeling that she is being "sneaky" about it (even though it's not so sneaky to me cause I can tell most of the time) seems even worse!
I want to scream at her "If you want to destroy your life and the happiness we have so be it. But at least after 16 years of marriage be honest about it!" The lying is the worst for me to deal with. It's eating me up inside.
Seems like letting go is not your way right now. It sounds like you want to talk about it. That's why we are all here, even if we sometimes can't with the A. Know that you have options, and it's YOUR choice, wether you decide to keep shut up or speak up and out loud and start to talk about what bothers you...with her or with anybody of your choice. Know that it feels good to get it out of the system... secrets eat us from the inside out and make us feel doubtful and wrong most of the times and they keep us isolated, which is not the best position to be in when we have an A that is close in our life. Never ignore your own needs, because they keep coming back anyway. and they are important, because you are important in your own life.
I wish you courage with every each of your choice. You are not alone.
When I am being eaten up by stress, what helps me is little things. When i am depressed and stressed I don't want to do anything...so it takes alot of effort even to get to work some days...so I try to do little things.
I meditate...counting and breathing meditation...or tonglen. This helps drive out the negative thoughts in my head that are so much part of my disease and depression.
I try to eat nutrient rich foods. I tend to crave sugar when I am depressed...so I don't deprive myself of it altogehter (because that makes me feel bad too) but rather...every other time I want sugar...I have an orange, or a grapefruit .
I have read that some depression is linked to magnesium deficiency...some OTC magnesium supplements don't absorb well -- so I order the magnesium citrate online. I also take epsom salt baths...another way to get magnesium into my system...and I can meditate when I am in the warm water. It is really helpful to me.
I have a 10000 lux SAD light that helps too. I sit with it in the morning (20 min) while I watch the news.
Exercise is a tremendous mood lifter...but I struggle with the time and energy to do that. So, I do little things like use the stairs at work, or park far away at a store so I have to walk farther. An exercise "program" just feels like too much to me right now, so I just build in "steps" where I can. I think I'm going to get a pedometer...because that was weirdly motivating for me too, when I had one. I think I need to start journaling too.
These are the small things that I DO have control over, that I can do to help ME feel better.
Find some things to take care of YOU, and treat yourself like you would a dear friend who was struggling.
Hang in there, dear brother! You can crawl your way out of this funk.
Maybe you don't have to talk about the drinking. You have to talk about the lying and the secrets. Don't even mention the drinking. You know it all stems from the drinking but she probably doesn't. She is in denial about the drinking. So let her deal with the lying and try to get around that without admitting to herself that the drinking is the cause of the lying. You want honesty from her so give her the honesty right back.
And detach. The little kids have nothing to do with her. Force yourself to enjoy them. Force the other crap out of your mind. Purposefully think about happy things. Make a gratitude list that you can go to. Make yourself smile.
I think my AW's drinking went on for over a year before I figured out it was a problem. Then I started finding random empty bottles around the house, not just one once in a while in plain view in the kitchen cabinet.
I attributed it to other comorbidities such as chronic fatigue syndrome.
Once the empties started showing up, erratic behavior was starting to manifest. Then 3 accidents within a couple months fortunately all were property damage, no personal injury. This is the part that worries me the most. Now, every time she goes somewhere and I even suspect drinking is involved, I ask myself if I would rather have her mad at me for awhile, or if I would rather she be picked up DUI or worse, dead.
Frustrated was a Way of Life for me When I Landed here at Al-Anon/ACOA... I was so Use to having that Emotion that none of the others ones ever had time to surface... For me... When I Catch myself worring over "their" Junk! "Their" Addiction! "Their Lies! Their Denial!... It is Time for Me to turn the Attention Back to ME! Its Tough when you reside under the same roof, and you have been together longer then imagined, however... I Have Found that in my Life, with My A... When i Take care of myself! Like the "Little Things" Listed above, My A... Even starts to relax alittle... When I Don't go to him in Judgement, and Make him accoutable for his OWN JUNK! We get along better... Our Marriage has shifted because I am no Longer the one Constantly trying to Please him! or Constantly trying to DO For him, and i have allowed him to see what he CAN do for himself...
I do however Believe that if there is something that is Eating at you, that you feel you can not get over without getting off your chest.. If you don't feel safe sharing it with your A, Then the Next Best thing is to find a F2F Meeting where you can get support & Love & ESH From others... This Board is AMAZING and the people here have helped me Grow So Much, But i have to say that Going to those Meetings & Looking into the Eyes, of the Men & Women that are struggling right there with you... Changed My LIfe & My Views in many ways...
My Prayers for you is that you KEEP COMING BACK... For you are WORTH IT... and know that this ICK Will Pass, Once you start taking care of YOU! This Program is amazing... The Support is Amazing... But sometimes we must to the work in order to reach our goals, and sometimes that work... Only means Showing up for ourselves, and doing the best we can do in THIS Moment!
Thanks for Sharing your Honesty & Feelings.. I Appreciate that in all the post here because YOU Help Me Learn as Well...
HDFTBY, this is where I feel motivated to translate what your wife is probably thinking as the alcoholic. She doubtfully views herself as lying or being sneaky since she doesn't see herself as being an alcoholic. She probably thinks she is saving herself from your crazy preoccupation over her normal drinking and may even think she's being sensitive to you sic she probably sees the problem with her drinking as yours. Knowing that, you can view her as in denial and just responding the way you probably would if someone took issue with a behavior of yours that you didn't see as a problem. She's not lying to you out of sneakiness or disrespect. It's out of denial and she doesn't want you worrying about her drinking when she doesn't see it as a problem. Because she is in denial about that, the behavior is not to stop, but to hide it from you because in her mind, your taking issue with her drinking is the only problem. Don't pesonalize her alcoholism.
