I can completely relate to your desire for answers. I came here asking all those same questions. I wanted someone to tell me what I needed to do because I simply could not come up with or face the answers myself. One thing I have learned is that no one can answer these questions for you. It took me about a year after starting to read alanon literature to find my own answers. While I was not attending face to face meetings, I was here, reading and absorbing what everyone was sharing. I wish I had gone to meetings now, I just did not think I could at that point in my life. One thing that I heard and really took to heart was that if you are not sure today, than don't make a decision. Decide to not decide today.

I believe that some A's can change and I believe that there is hope for them, once they decide that they want to make a different choice for their lives. My step father was a very mean drinker. My family had an intervention and he went to a facility, fighting all the way. But, he finally heard what they were saying, came home and has been sober for 15 years. This does not happen for all of them, but it is possible. He became a different person, someone I was able to respect again.

My husband is not ready to see what he has happening in his life and what his active drinking is doing to him and our family. For several years now I have struggled with what to do. 6 weeks ago, I made my decision. Several times I have thought I was ready to make my decisions and I thought about what I wanted to do, but would back out after a few days. Basically, I was waffling back and forth, not really deciding. When my AH said to me 6 weeks ago that he never wanted to be married, does not want to live with anyone and never wanted to be a step dad, I did not hesitate. I chose immediately and felt tremendous peace with it. He made it clear to me that night and every moment since that he does not want to be with anyone and that he is not willing to change his disease. He is so absorbed in his selfishness that I don't want to be a part of that anymore. He is so depressed and incredibly selfish. He has been active in his disease since he was 14 years old and for a 47 year old man, that is a very long time. When I signed the divorce papers Sunday night I knew I was making the right decision. My home is peaceful, my children are happier and I am not obsessing about how he will behave when he comes home from work. I hate having moved out of my home but I am so very glad that I did. I made the decision when the time was right for me.

I love my husband with all of my heart, I just don't like the disease. Be easy on yourself and kind to you. Take care of you. Go to a meeting, read literature, work on your own recovery. You will find the peace you need and when the time is right to make your decision, it will happen for you. It might not be today or tomorrow, even a month or year. But the time will come that you will know.

You have gotten some excellent responses, I agree with them both. I too waffled and left & returned over & over. I feel like I was a slow learner as it took almost loosing my own life to an A who was/is unwilling to seek help or change. It's is such a hard decision but as mentioned ur HP can & will see you thru this if you seek him & allow it. Know we do understand! Hugs & prayers to you.. Keep coming back

Sadly, you cannot love your husband enough to make him want to change. And if he does not, or cannot, it's not necessarily because he does not love you enough. Alcohol is a subtle foe, that can and often does convince the alcoholic that it is the solution to all their problems. I am speaking from firsthand experience here. My husband has always loved me, and finally he loved me enough to tell me to get well or get out. You think that would have been enough, unfortunately, it was not. Until I could love myself enough to see what I was doing to myself and my family, I couldn't stop drinking, regardless of the consequences. Today, at 18 months sober, I can see that alcohol was not my problem. Alcohol gave me permission to blame everyone and everything in my life for all that I perceived was wrong with it. Alcohol had become the solution to any and every problem, stress, celebration, you name it, in my life. . The reality was, it didn't work, and until I could find a power greater than myself to believe in, I couldn't stop. That power isn't my husband, nor my children, nor myself. Honestly, I'm not sure what exactly it is, only that it is. And for me, one day at a time, that has become my solution. The best thing you can do right now is what everyone here has suggested. Take care of you. Love yourself enough to do what is best for you, God willing, that will include your husband. I cannot say that my marriage is healed, but it is healing. Today is all I really have, so I just try and focus on it and trying to live it as my Higher Power guides me to do, like responding to your post. (((hugs))) & Peace

Honestly, the odds are stacked against them, but that being said, many do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

Thing is, for us, it doesn't really matter this early in the game. The most important thing for me was to work on me. I had to learn to leave his problems with him and not make them mine. I had to learn to detach. I had to work hard on myself, so that when the time came to make a decision, I had a clear head and enough emotional energy to make a good one. We had been like two drowning people clinging desperately to one another and both going down fast. I had to let go.

In my case, I spent over a year working on me in Al-Anon. When I caught him using, I asked him to leave for the second and final time. I told him I would not let him come back for at least a year because the yo-yo thing was not good for me or the kids. I closed joint bank accounts so he could not get access to mine and screw it up anymore. I needed him to earn my trust for real this time. I used that time to work even harder on myself while there was a peaceful quiet house.

He did finally get sober, not by my hand, but by the hand of HP who gave him a scare that he couldn't ignore when nobody was there to fall back on(ie; me putting the pillow down for him to land on). I told him that I loved him, but I could not save him from this. He knew where to go for help. I could not let him take me down with him.

I watched the shift happen that they go through when they start to really get it. He started going to every meeting he could get to, got a sponsor, started bring me money regularly to pay the bills and feed the family, learned to pay his own bills and shop for his own groceries, etc. I still did not let him come back right away. I needed the time alone and I knew that giving in would reverse any progress I or he had made. I let him come around a little more very gradually as I became comfortable with his new self and my new self. We tried to have open conversations, even learned to give each other a heads up when we wanted to talk about the hard stuff, so we could THINK and not react.

I am rambling a bit now, but my point is that they can recover if they have the capacity to be honest. My husband was the biggest liar. He never had a choice, though. He was trained to lie from birth by two A parents. When he got sober he struggled for months to learn how to be honest. There is hope, but we must work on ourselves to learn to get out of HP's way.

(((((((((((LFP))))))))))))))))) you will find peace and serenity if you keep working on you.

I think it's very difficult to make a decision when you have so much running round your mind. Life is so chaotic and your thinking becomes chaotic. The program offers a different clearer way of thinking. It's not easy. I wish I had it when my kids were small but I'm so grateful to have it now. Codependant relationships are so damaging to a family, well in my experience. My ex ah is drinking again. He was sober for 6 yrs during our 20 yr relationship but all the isms remained. He is 43 now and he has got worse over the years, it's a progressive disease. I am saving me now, that's all anyone can do. In the process I hope I can inspire and help my children to recover also. I love the Slogan, first things first, I believe this means the children. Good luck.