The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first communication in any way with Al Anon.
I am 29 years old, happily married with a daughter and another one on the way. I have my dream job and the best friends anyone could ask for. My life is perfect in every way but one, my family.
I grew up being taught that alcohol was a way to party and relax. I was introduced to it at the young age of 12 and continued to drink regularly until I was 18 when I realized what it was doing to my family. My parents would drink on a daily basis. Just about every night they would head to a local bar for a few hours. My sister and brother would do the same, but my brother was worst. When I was 20 I worked night shift at a machine shop. My brother worked the same shift at another shop nearby. My Father worked at the same in another department and was one of his supervisors. I would meet up with him for our lunch once in a while. (Around 1am). One night I went to his work and found out that him and another employee had been drinking at work regularly. It was only the two of them working that shift, so nobody knew about it. I knew he was heavy into drinking and had tried to talk to him about it numerous times, but this was different. He was now drinking on the job and putting my fathers job at risk. A week before Thanksgiving in 2003 I sat down with my father and told him about my brother drinking at work. At first he shrugged it off and said he would talk to him. I got very upset and gave my father an ultimatum. I told my father you are his boss and you need to reprimand him or I will go to your boss.
On Thanksgiving morning my brother left work and wrecked his truck. He was heavily intoxicated. He lived for 10 days in the hospital as my family slowly watched him get worst. He died on December 2nd 2003. My parents and sister still believe he died from a car accident. Not alcohol.
After he passed, my parents drinking got out of control. I tried many times to talk to them about their drinking with no change. About 5 years ago, while my father was on a business trip, I went to my parents house one night to check on my mom. I found her in the hot tub with another man. I lost control and threw him out of my parents house. That was one of the worst nights of my life. I spent all night fighting with my mother. I called my father and explained everything. He brushed it off, said my mother was going through a tough time. A few weeks later, I convinced my father and sister to try an intervention with my mom. After it failed I realized my Father and sisters also had a problem with alcohol and were enabling her.
For the past 5 years my parents drinking has continued on a daily basis. Although they seem to function better now than before, I can tell the drinking is still the same. When my daughter was born in March of 2010, I had a serious talk with my mother. I told her that the drinking needed to stop if she wanted to be a part of my daughters life. She seemed to get better so we agreed to let her watch my daughter two days a week. It went well for a year or so. Then my mother started canceling at the last minute a couple times a month. She would say that she didnt get enough sleep or was nervous about driving in the rain. I realized a couple months ago that when I returned home from work in the afternoon, she was showing signs of alcohol withdraw.
Last weekend my father had to have surgery. After the procedure the doctor pulled me and my wife aside. He expressed concern about my fathers drinking because they had to use so much anesthesia to put him to sleep. He also pointed out my mothers withdraw symptoms
The other day my father dropped my mother off at my house in the morning. (This never happens) She was clearly hung over from the night before. I waited around for a few hours until my mother was feeling better. I left and immediately called my Father. I was very angry that he would even think about letting her watch my daughter in that condition. We talked for a while and he admitted that they both have a problem. I told him we all as a family need to do something to help them. I called my sister to tell her what happened. She brushed it off and said we tried before and nothing helped.
Glad you found us. Step 1: You didn't cause this, you cannot control this, you cannot cure this. Al-Anon is here for us. It is ok to tell them you are worried and do not find this acceptable... ONCE. Do it in a non-confrontational manner when they are sober. Talking to an alcoholic after they have been drinking is like talking to a stop sign. It is ok to tell them your boundaries and what you will do, but what they do is up to them.
There are others on here that are MUCH more knowledgeable than I am. Best advice, get the book "Getting Them Sober". I have read it and seems to be the #1 book everyone on here recommends. Just go one day at a time. The alcoholic is going to drink, but what are YOU gonna do. Work a program for YOU, and they need to work a program for them. You can't work their program for them.
Most importantly, keep coming back. I have to say it has kept me sane.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. Alanon is for family and friends of alcoholics. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control. Try face to face meetings if you can. You will find that many people have been where you are with your parents. In Alanon we learn to keep the focus on ourselves so that we can recover from the effects of alcoholism.
Aloha Rich and welcome to the board. You've already got some shared experience which can lead you to the face to face Al-Anon groups in your area. Their hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book. You can get help for yourself there. Your mom and dad can find the hotline number for AA Central in your area the very same way. If your dad has already admitted they have a problem with it, being introduced to a local AA group may work for them. Just a suggestion. Important that you follow up on the Al-Anon suggestion; that one is for you only. Often times when one family member changes the whole stage play changes. Keep coming back here cause you've just hitched up with some major help and support and unconditional love. "We'll love you until you learn to love yourself". (((hugs)))
I plan on going to my first al anon meeting tomorrow night.
I understand that this is not my fault and I can't control it. I realize that now and am ok with that. The hard part for me is limiting my daughters exposure to it. She absolutely loves my parents. My father's sister went through AA many years ago, and it worked for her. My parents have always looked at her in a negative way because of that. I tried many times to convince my parents to go. They always say "we are not alcoholics. We are grieving from the loss of our son". I tried to get them to go to a grieving group and they insist it will not help them. They look at therapy in a very negative way. I fear that my mother is not strong enough to go through AA even if I could get her to go. Her health is deteriorating from the alcohol use. I feel that the only thing keeping her alive is being a part of my daughters life.
I know now what I have to do.
I will tell my father that they need help. It will be up to them to change. I will support them in every way I can, but I will not look the other way anymore. I will tell my mother that she will not be watching my daughter by herself until she gets help.
I know that this is the right thing to do, but I fear that something bad will come of this. I have a lot of guilt about my brothers death. Even though, deep down inside I know I was not the cause, I still feel like I did not do enough to prevent it. I will not make that mistake again.
Nomal people don't grieve by destroying themselves with alcohol....Only alcoholics do that. You know what you are facing here. Just try not to get lured into insane arguments where one or both of them are so in denial that it makes you want to scream. You keep dealing in reality and make decisions after prayer and meditating on what you feel is right. Alanon is always there to support you.
