The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've not had the opportunity to post often and have mostly replied to other forums. Today I've been granted some down time and although the holiday stress is there, getting a well needed break from the hustle and bustle of combining my life (ie, family, church, al-anon, work, health issues; you know normal stuff) for the next few days I will at least get down time from work. That allows me some time for "thinking", or at least hopefully being able to think a little bit clearer.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been doing some self-inventory in the area of being honest, within myself and with other's in my life about myself. I have realized that because of being shut down so often during my childhood years and after being married to two alcoholic's, one who thought he was God's gift to the world, and the other that said he didn't know how to communicate and had no interest in learning how, I have learned to minimize events in my life that if I would (could) put voice to, I would be free from the hold that they have on me.
Three years ago, my spouse of 21 years was caught in an affair. He had returned to the throes of the disease of alcoholism/drug use and found a "mate" that would party with him. We separated three days after Christmas that year. Until recently I spent the majority of the past three years not only dealing with the grieving and letting go process of that marriage, but working at really trying to learn who I am; and I have found quite a few times that I was good at trying to blame the alcoholic for my inadequacies. What I have learned from that is that I needed to become ok with not being able to "be all and do all" for myself or for my children. But I still struggle within myself when I make poor decisions or fail to "be all and do all"... it's getting better but I still need work on that. I have noticed that I still hesitate to share with my new partner without him sometimes bringing to my attention that it is safe to share all things with him... I'm am very grateful for that and am slowly trusting that a male partner in my life is truly interested in what is going on within me. It has been pretty amazing to realize that even after going into my 13th years of al-anon, I still need to keep peeling at my onion.
I do know today that being truthful and honest doesn't have to do with my opinion of another persons acts and behaviors, just mine. That if I keep the focus on myself, and keep my daily inventory up to par, and accept the reality of who I am, I can have much deeper and meaningful relationships in my life that help to make me whole, and not controlled by other people, places or things.
I woudl like to blame him that I do not have the Christmas I want. If only he did not kowtow to his mother.
I realise this year I need to set in place a lot of boundaries. He is going to his mother's for Christmas (what's new about that). This year I do not need to comment, over compensate for, know about what that christmas was. I do not need to look at what she gave him/didn't give him. I need to just take myself out of the picture and not speak about his mother to him anymore.
I am through being manipulated by him about it. He can go to his mother's for ever more. I will just make Christmas my own holiday. He clearly does not see it as a couple's holiday so why should I.
Setting boundaries is not my forte. Allowing him to blur boundaries with me is his signature and I no longer need to let him do it. I can practice this as a form of meditation and boundary. I do not need anymore of that woman in my life. I have had enough of her narcissism and I can set limits on it. He has other narcissists who he insists on bringing into our life. I can just set limits and detach. Of course on a long term basis I can also ask myself if my life would be better with him or without him but that is a long term goal not something I have to solve today. Today I merely have to ask myself how can I make this a good Christmas for me.
