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I'm opening up for the first time about this difficult situation. Seeing as how I'm much worse at taking advice than giving it, I could use some of my own medicine...
Long story short- I have a bipolar daughter who has wreaked havoc in my life and my wife's since day one. Once she got a few friends in High School, they introduced her to drugs and alcohol and as I suspected she would, her disease took off like wildfire. I could go on and on about all the things that went on, the self blame, the guilt, all those things thinking I caused it all, underneath knowing full well I didn't. It got bad enough that I kicked her out at 18. I'd had enough. I tried to help her by letting her move in a few times, but the results were always the same. Kicked out again. I moved to Maryland because I couldn't find work in Michigan, and we were here 3 years with her back in Michigan, and she goes and gets pregnant. We take her in because she's got nowhere to go, unbeknownst to me that for that whole 7 months, she's been drugging. She's a holy terror for the next two months because she can't take any meds. My wife takes her to the doctor and LP and behold, the baby is in distress and they have to take her out. She dies upon birth and they revive her. Her umbilical cord is shredded and very little blood flow going to the baby. The hospital calls social services as required by the state, and they are all over us. Not so much because we are caring for the baby and not my daughter. Then my daughter decides to leave and go back to Michigan, freaks out and wants to come back. Now she wants to love with us and social services has said they will be all over us if she does. I'm sick of the insanity. I need a break. So does my wife. It's a no win situation any way I look at it. I guess I'm ranting, I'd just like to hear some input. Thanks.
When your own child is involved in this disease and has other issues the urge to fix it and help is sometimes overwhelming . I have been there. Upping my meetings working steps 4-12 with a sponsor opened up new solutions that escaped me while I was working on my own.
What a noble action you have undertaken to care for your precious grandchild. This situation is a difficult one but one that is obviously being monitored by the courts. It might be possible to talk to State Social Services and explore possible help for your daughter This is a difficult situation and I do hope that your wife is also attending alanon.
There is no winning in that situation. My best suggestion is to go to NAMI for support also. Your daughter's mental illness might be primary here....not to say that her drinking and drugging isn't a major issue too. Other than that, it sounds like she has so much going on that you guys (you and your wife) are not the ones to be able to help.
She needs professionals - such as therapists, a psychiatrist, and case managers to help her live her life in a productive and responsible way. She has probably been told this and it will be up to her when to listen. It's okay to want a break and to take one. You can listen, talk, give your feedback, but you can also choose to let her find help from the people better suited (those I mentioned above).
Thanks everyone. I think youve given some quality advice here I hadnt thought of. My opinion based on what I know and experienced so far is that its too overwhelming for us to allow her to move back in just to be near her daughter. Thats what shes really pressing for, and It doesnt matter how many times I say no, she waits til Im away and hounds my wife. Social services has already stated their standing in the matter, and apparently theres a meeting tomorrow with the daughter and wife, Im sure theyll give her an earful of what she doesnt want to hear, but Ive already got my mind pretty much made up, especially after finding out she hasnt been taking her anti-psychotics and has "gone off" on my wife for not waking her up to go outside and smoke, and also at her sister for telling us when she wanted to take the baby outside to smoke. SHes definitely beyond what we can do for her. I understand how she feels about this baby, but as Social Services put it, most likely she wont ever get the baby back. And thats a huge pill to swallow.
Dave, I work in foster care and I am getting the picture here. She has rules and a case plan to follow. Also, the child abuse (while she might not view it that way) did almost result in the death of this child. Hence, DSS (department of social services) is going to take a hard line to protect the child...which makes sense. I have seen this situation play out before with other grandparents taking care of their grandkids when they got removed from the parents. The parents tried to come back and live with those grandparents but were not allowed as there are orders of either "no contact" or "supervised only by DSS" orders for visits. In order for her child to be raised by family and for her to be active in the baby's life at all she will have to accept that she needs to get her crap together and keep her distance to an extent. That may not happen on her end, so it will be your task to keep strong in the boundaries.
In the cases I have seen, either the mother/father got it together and progressed through the court system to get the kid back, or the grandparents wound up keeping the kids until they were 18. Either way, there is no middle ground when there are protective orders in place. Trying to fudge them or get around them is very ill advised no matter what your feeling are for your daughter and the baby. DSS mandates the contact they have with each other and you have to follow their rules. Your daughter created this situation and you are already doing her a huge service by keeping her baby. Otherwise, it would be fostercare and adoption.
It is soooo amazing to see a miracle like this child...Isn't she a miracle come thru allof the other imposed trauma she has been thru? This has happened in my family also and for us the solutions have been in subjecting our children and grand-children to programs for positive ways of living. I look at your picture and appreciate the hope that Al-Anon gave me in that if I just didn't participate in the insanity of the disease and participate (mind, body, spirit and emotions) of the spiritual recovery of Al-Anon life would be better and It has been much better!! I separated from my drinking using family of orgin which are still participating and went off on my own with just Al-Anon as a map. My drinking using elder son and younger brother couldn't do that around me and find support so they fell back on the support of their own religions. My Grandchildren who have been affected find no support for drinking and using and so have moved away from that also. I love being with them and it is mutual and has taken a long time. Yes it is true for me I don't retire from family I am still a part of it...down around the tap root of it. I am glad to have learned that detachment isn't divorce or abandonment with the recovery I have been led to.
That grand-child of yours truely is a creation...learn as much as you can about fetal addiction syndrom so that you and she will have the support at hand if and when it is needed.
You are saving a life by caring for your granddaughter. It is wonderful that you can keep her out of the foster care system. I've been a foster parents and, at least in MO, the system is broken. This is the best thing you can do for your daughter, whether she understands that or not. You might even want to adopt the little girl if social services insists your daughter will not be allowed to have her daughter again. I've raised a bipolar child too and these people suffer incredibly with a war against themselves. However, only they can fix themselves and helping them out with money and housing doesn't move them toward that. Stand firm to protect yourself, your wife, the baby and other family members. Your daughter may or may not clean up but hopefully your energies can be focused on the granddaughter's future rather than the problems you cannot control for your daughter. God bless you and your wife as you continue to help your granddaughter.
