The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sorry that you were so severely triggered at the meeting. I do understand. It is great that you have found so many meetings that you feel comfortable in so it is good that you shared your concerns.
You are right meetings are a safe place for us all and to keep them that way the intimate details of our situations are best served in a one to one exchange. At the next Business Meeting you could suggest that at the "Opening Welcome of the Meeting" this could be suggested.
Meanwhile, Alanon has taught me that I do not have to be a victim and suffer because of anyone else's need. I also do not have to abandon something I enjoy and need just because I dislike another member.
The situation that you describe has happened a few times in meetings that I attend. I found that the best I could do was simply walk out of the room when the person began to share and then return when they were finished. I felt uncomfortable the first time I did this however in time a few others realized what was going on and also removed themselves. It works.
Keep coming back here and sharing the journey .
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 19th of December 2012 08:38:35 AM
Hi, I'm new here, but I've been regularly going to Al-Anon meetings for a couple months now. I'm so grateful for the meetings and I love the three regular meetings I go to each week. I've been working with a sponsor and I'm slowly starting to notice a difference in me.
My Tuesday night meeting is my favorite one of the week - it was the first meeting I went to and because it's smaller (6-10 people on average), it is a more intimate group. The meeting is held at a recovery center, which hosts several 12 step meetings, so we tend to get a lot of newcomers each week. The format for this meeting is a book-study - we read out of the "How Al-Anon Works" book. I feel nothing but love for everyone in this meeting, but tonight something happened that bothered me so much that, hours later, I still can't stop thinking about it.
After we finished reading from the book and started shares, one newcomer (his very first meeting) shared near the end of the hour. I'm still new to the program and I say a lot of awkward stuff, so when he started talking about his addiction I just chuckled in my head. Eventually he'll realize that there's a different program for the addiction, but I was not going to judge him for making that mistake tonight. It happens all the time, no big deal! But then he started talking about being molested. Other people have brought it up (briefly) in shares - keeping it simple and nondescriptive. "I'm a survivor of sexual abuse, " etc. But this guy was being a lot more specific. Obviously I'm not going to repeat just how descriptive here.
I'm sure the color absolutely left my face. I am a survivor and I'm still coming to terms with that. I respect that others are also dealing with similar issues. But to have it be so descriptive...I was offended and hurt. I'm not sure I have any right to feel that way, as Al-Anon is a safe place for everyone to share freely without judgement. But it was triggering. I had flashbacks to my own situations. While he was speaking, I had to start flipping through random pages in my book to distract myself. Anything to not hear what he was saying. I'm sure I was obvious. I had some extra long hugs after the meeting.
I just feel like an invisible line was crossed. That yes, you are encouraged to share without being judged, but be mindful of others.
I really hate saying this, and I feel like such a horrible person, but I don't want him to come back to this meeting. What he said reminded me of horrible things and brought up feelings that I have fought hard to put away. Even though I know he deserves to be there just as much as me, I just don't want to be reminded. I'm hoping, after a good night's rest and some meditation, my perspective will change. But right now, it really hurts.
Thanks for letting me share this here. I didn't feel comfortable talking to anyone about this from the meeting.
So sorry that this happened, and it's probably because it is such a fresh issue for you that it does trigger painful stuff. It is so hard to know how to be new in a meeting and share. I know I still get weirded over how to do that .. I try and keep it about recovery and leave the gritty details to my sponsor. Painful stuff regardless of what it is will get triggered by what people say. Anger, sadness, frustration, .. UGH .. it sucks bad at times.
I really hope you are able to sort through this and hopefully someone pulled him aside and helped him deal with his pain or helped him in some way learn how to share in a meeting. It was probably his first ever meeting and honestly if he's at a recovery center, I would speculate being so used to being in group therapy he thought he was being completely appropriate.
Something I have tried to do is realize everyone makes mistakes or even errors in judgement obviously something along those lines happened. I'm surprised that the chairperson leading the group didn't stop the person and let them know gently if they need to talk after the meeting they would be available. I know how sharing can get very off topic. Part of the responsibility of leading a group is knowing when it's time to shut down a share .. I don't mean that in a negative way or rude way either no one needs to be made to feel judged .. we have a few who will go on and on about something and it's important to know when it's time to help them move on. There is limited time, everyone deserves a chance to share AND it's very important to know that descriptive talk about past sexual absue especially is something that could really be difficult for others. I believe that the 1st tradition applies here.
I don't believe it's the responsibility of the new person I do think this is something as the chair leader for the night needs to address. Maybe it's something that could be brought up in group consious meeting?
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This has happened to me several times during meetings. One time someone did this while telling their story during a speaker meeting and half the room got up and walked out. Unfortunately, folks in the fellowship did talk about it after the meeting. This was AA....the guy wound up relapsing after having 3 years sober right after that.
Sometimes sex is actually the topic of meetings because the 4th step encourages an inventory of one's own sexual behavior. This may not be the last time you encounter this. The conversation can be appropriate in that context or it can be inappropriate depending on the person like in the instance you mentioned. Not everyone who goes to meetings is well.
Just try and remember that it's less hurtful to hear what comes out of that guy's mouth than it probably is to actually be him. That should improve your patience and tolerance for him.
This is really a difficult topic. I understand Al-Anon as a place where things are talked about directly, so I would think that someone talks to the man. If it hurts you too much in a moment, I understand you might want to walk out to protect you. But to walk out to make him understand?? I would be offended.
I have been reading only for some time. A few months ago I shared here and then my IP got blocked. I renewed the IP and continued participating in this forum. Just recently I learned that blocking someone's IP is done to block spammers or so. Hello??!! I was quite hurt and I am still hurt. I just thought about letting it go, maybe my HP brought this subject up right now.
I am sorry for the misunderstanding regarding banning your IP. I cannot explain why this happened to you and am glad you are back.You are correct Alanon is a place where we are asked to speak our truth and not to gossip. Anytime a member's post is deleted from the Board the member is usually contacted and the reason explained. I am sorry that was not your experience.
I agree that Alanon meetings are also a safe place to share your thoughts. Unless the group has a specific guideline regarding topics, all subjects are open to discussion. As far as taking care of myself at a meeting, I believe it is imperative to examine my motives for removing myself and if it is to protect my mind, body and or soul I am perfectly fine with doing so. I would never engage in the manipulative action of " walking out" in protest to what someone else is sharing and have never seen this at a meeting.
Aloha D and welcome to the board...sounds like you're on a good recovery journey. I have been to a meeting or two where the sharer was more graphic than other usual members and I had to use the "open mindedness" suggestion heard at the closing. I came to an understand that some folk are sicker than others and while I came to understand by listening to the simularities in the shares of others I also learned that while I related or was triggered my past could and would not hurt me again because of my recovery. Your share sounds like he was telling "your" story or part of it so you know what he is going thru, shared experiences, and yes while someone letting him know to be less scary for others you might be the one person who can help him along and keep him coming back to the program. I have had others do that for me and rather than run from me after one of my scary shares, they approached me with compassion and empathy, shared their history and that included what they found out to change the pain of the past. I am most grateful to the fellowship for that. Today when I am triggered I know that I am listening to something I know something about and that it cannot hurt me again unless I permit it. Another thing you can do and I hope you will or have is talk this out with your sponsor in your own language next chance you get.
