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Ok...so tonight, my AH drove both of my children, and another child in a carpool and when he came home, I could smell the A on him. I did not want to fight, but I also wanted to make it very clear that I would not accept him putting any children in danger by drinking or driving. I simply said, if you're going to drink, let me know so I can go get the children myself. He of course got very defensive and insisted that he had only one and was not drunk.
Again, I simply said...we need some boundaries. If you are going to have a drink, I will do the driving. I told the kids they were not to get into the car with him when he's drinking. Of course, this started a gigantic discussion. He insisted he wasn't drunk and did his breathalizer that he bought to prove his innocence a long time ago. He blew a .17....shocker! He then proceeded to say it didn't work. My son, ever the smart one, said...I'll do it and then we'll see if it works. He did and blew a 0.00. Of course, then my AH continued to deny.
It turned into a very ugly conversation between the four of us. I stopped engaging and he and my children continued. When I tried to tell the children to stop he got mad at me and told me I was turning the kids against him. He then told me I should thank him for picking up the kids.
I hate that my children got involved, but they have been involved in most of the craziness, so what's new? They are old enough to speak their minds, and they are old enough to know when he's been drinking. I have instructed them to call me if they think he's been drinking and to not get into the car with him. Of course, I hope they can be strong and stand their ground. I think they will be afraid of being yelled at.
Now he waited for the kids to go to bed and told me I made him look bad in front of his kids and that I just don't like him. I told him that I love him very much but I don't like his disease. I also told him that things are great when he's not drinking. He packed a bag and said he was going to spend the night with friends...these of course are his friends with whom he trades medications and gets drinks from. I think the purpose of him leaving was to punish me and make me feel sad and alone. I have to not feel that way. I have my beautiful children safe and sound at home with me...thank God...and I have a lot to live for. I feel sad for him that he thinks I don't like him. I hope one day he will see the truth. I cannot change how he feels. I am sad that tonight turned out so ugly and I feel responsible because I began the conversation, but I just couldn't sit back and allow him to think it's okay to drive our children around when he is under the influence. Thanks for listening. I think I will be on this site all night just to keep myself sane.
I had a similar situation a lil while back.. I waited til next day when he hasnt drank yet to say the same thing you said. And I told my child in private to not ever let someone drive him that has drank .. ever .. no matter who ! I know its hard to not say things at the moment .. I get headaches some times cuz Im holding my tongue, but have found that it will escalate quick if hes been drinking, even when I disengage.. Just an opinion .. there arent any right and wrong answers dealing with this disease I have found !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Yes, you are right...I should have talked to the kids in private. I have before. I also should have waited until he hasn't been drinking, but I know it will just lead to him having a drink because he always gets mad and tells me it's my fault and that if I am going to accuse of drinking then he might as well. I guess I just can't win. I just want so badly to have a sane conversation with him, and it so rarely happens. I want to cry but I refuse to let myself. I need a good night's sleep and cannot let this take over my whole night as so many of these occasions have. I want so badly to call him and beg him to come home so we can work things out, but I know that's not going to happen, so why should I make myself so vulnerable to him? I have so many feelings right now and I don't know how to face any of them. I feel guilty for my kids and I feel guilty for him. I know I didn't cause his drinking, but I guess I did cause the incident tonight. I just never seem to do the right thing when it comes to this disease.
This disease is cunning baffling and powerful Alanon tools were developed to help us recover when we find we are human and have we made a mistake in our mind. Instead of picking up our old destructive tools of " beating ourselves up, feeling guilty, then backing down " Alanon suggests that we stay in the moment and work a 10th Step.
" Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it". That is al we need to do We are human and make mistakes When we admit what we have done and discus what would be the best coarse of action in the future we rob the incident of the power to haunt us. So in the future you have decided how you would like to handle this and if you like you can also admit this to hubby and clear the air.
As I see it your husband' packing his bag and leaving is a huge red flag and indicates that he is trying to punish you and gain control. Your validating yourself and your introspection takes your power back
Please be gentle with yourself and use the serenity prayer.
Thanks for your words of wisdom, Betty. I always end up apologizing for my words/actions, even if I know in my heart I did/said what needed to be done or said.
There have been many occasions where I have talked to my AH in private and it has gotten me nowhere, as he still drove our children. I think the only reason I feel bad about talking in front of the kids tonight is because he made me feel guilty and left. I honestly think I did the right thing because my children are old enough and have seen their dad through some very scary moments...they are not blind or stupid and they certainly needed to know that I am trying to set boundaries for their safety. I know that even though I have told them in private not to get in the car with their dad when they think he's been drinking that they would still have trouble telling him no because they don't want to get in trouble with him. I think now they have a little more power because we stood strong as threesome and told him that our rule is no drinking and driving with them.
I guess I will never know if I truly did the right thing and hind sight is always 20-20, but I did what I thought was right at the time, and my first and most important job is to keep my children safe, which is what I was trying to accomplish. Thanks for your kind words and support.
I am glad that you reviewed you actions, considered others imput and then Validated Your Own Actions This is working your program. Good example of" talking things over and reasoning things out"'
Sounds to me as if examined your motives and discovered that your actions were based on your principles and that is valid enough.
You know, Imom, that sometimes things just happen. Sometimes the conversation just starts where it starts and it doesn't matter if the children are standing there or not. If you could plan out all these things, then you WOULD be in control. But we are powerless over that too.
The kids just had proof that you love them so much that you are willing to put your foot down and show them that you mean it when you say you don't want any harm to come to them. I had to laugh at your son insisting on taking the breath test and blowing the 0.0. Of course you still feel bad about talking to the hubby in front of the kids and having the kids as part of the conversation because you still worry about hurting his feelings. And the result of hurting his feelings is that he left in a huff. Well..... sometimes hurt feelings are a result of some bad actions..... and he did bad actions. I really don't think you have anything to apologize for. If he had been in an accident would he be apologizing to you? or would he crawl into a bottle and drink down his feelings?
Maryjane, you really secured my feelings. Thank you for that. Every once in a while, I just need to hear that I did the right thing. It is so often that my AH reminds me that I am crazy and accusatory that I sometimes start to believe it.
Thanks again for helping me feel confident as a mother and a human being.
I have been in a very similar situation. I think the truth is that they will never admit that they are drinking to excess. For one thing, drinking distorts judgment (and alcoholism distorts it even more). So he will never call you and say he's drunk too much and you need to pick up the kids. If he's like my ex-AH, he will never ever admit he's impaired, no matter how much I plead or argue.
I finally saw that the only way to keep him from driving kids drunk was not to let him ever drive kids. Sure, it was a major, major hassle. It was like having a large incompetent wilful child in the house. But that's what alcoholism is.
Denial is steep. In my active drinking, I was convinced that I actually drove BETTER after drinking a few. This was true in some ways because when I wasn't drinking I had a splitting headache/hangover that also made me a crappy driver. Also, in the first weeks of sobriety, my head was spinning and my brain was all foggy and my concentration was terrible, so I actually was a pretty crappy driver then too. Hence, I would not be surprised if in his mind, he actually thinks he is a great driver. I believe that most drunks think they are the best drunk drivers in the world and that all laws pertaining to driving drunk do not apply to them because they are great at driving drunk and police and others are just stupid. I pretty much used to think that way.
You are right that you are facing insanity and some SERIOUS denial on this issue with your AH. Supporting your actions cuz someone has to be sane. Also - regarding your kids....One day they are going to be adults and they will have memories of growing up with an alcoholic father. I am in AA also as I've mentioned a few times, and I am envisioning stories that people tell of being adult children of alcholics. Many of them say "My dad was an alcoholic and my mom just never did anything to protect us." Your kids will not be saying that thanks to your actions. You can feel good about that.
Protect the kids. My son spent 4 months in jail.....thank God that was the only thing that happened. He was drunk but his girlfriend and daughter didn't even know and when they got stopped and the police noticed things weren't right. He got a felony DUI because the daughter was under the age of 15. My son would say what pinkchip said saying he drove better when drinking. OMG.
As things progressed with his drinking he totaled one car and received 2 DUI's but continued to drive after getting out of jail.... drunk. I couldn't stop it no matter what I did or said. I prayed everyday he would not hurt someone.
Not sure but since I let it go after one more time telling him what he's doing is wrong and I will not except his driving and prayed for him to get arrested again....he was mad....but I didn't care. I told him I will NEVER except it and just go away if he wants to be so stupid.
Next time he wanted me to go somewhere with him and he was sober but I said no I will drive my own car and meet him there. I didn't say anymore. He was upset but then he let me do the driving to where we needed to go. I find now he mostly uses his bike to go somewhere. Funny his car sat so long that the battery went dead and even after jump starting it wouldn't hold a charge anymore.
I think to protect yourself and the kids is way more important than anything your husband says right now. He just doesn't realize what he is doing. My son didn't...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
((((IMOM)))))) IMO you cant handle anything wrong .. what you live and deal with is bigger than all of us. Dont EVER think things are worse or better from the actions you take. Afterall, if our actions changed their behaviour this would be an easy fix. And holdin MY tongue.. UGH so hard at times ! I have to find something to do and sometimes I still slip up and end up in the confrontation ... just not as often, BUT when I do get caught up in it ... I blame the disease for putting that much insane pressure on me ..lol And then I just start trying again to deal with me. When our kids are involved.... its hard .... Heck... its hard anyway sometimes .... take care of you ... and dont listen to bs about you turning them against him... they see whats goin on !
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..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
I just finished reading a section in "Getting Them Sober" that was very similar to this. The alcoholic is using the "leaving for a night" to try to control you. Just like you cannot control them, don't let them control you.
I just want to say thank you to all of you for supporting me through another rough night.
I held strong. I did not cry once, nor did I call him or text him once. I also did not sleep a wink...but, as far as he knows, I didn't miss a beat. I got a very heart-felt apology today and he told me I was right and he was wrong.
I realize that I might get an apology and he might turn around and repeat his actions tomorrow, but for now, it feels good to have this one behind me. I am proud of myself for not giving in and apologizing once more when I have no reason to, just to keep the peace.
Right now, he is sound asleep on the couch...shocker! Funny...he gets to nap after all the mess he created and I have to stay awake to take care of all of the business with the house and kids...go figure! Oh well, I am happy to do it. I am blessed to have a home and two beautiful kids to take care of.
I only hope that if and when something else happens I can stay strong again. I have all of you to thank because when I was lying restlessly in bed, I pulled out my laptop and found some comfort in the posts.
This is very scary. Would you have the courage to call the police next time? It may be the only way to ensure your children's and other people's safety. Wouldn't that be a consequence of his own action. Good luck.
Great ESH here, .. I just wanted to send love and support. It's not easy and when I find myself going down the road of rationalizing with an irrational person I will imagine him jell-o and literally be thinking .. can I nail jell-o to a tree? NOPE .. so it's easier for me to walk away and even if I know I'm right not have to hear him say I'm right. I have learned when I set the boundaries the only thing I need to do is learn to follow through.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
