The material presented
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It's not okay...from my wide experience with my alcoholic/addict exwife and ex-first wife addict. My ex-wives used to tell me after the fact also...they did what they did and then told me later...Uh UH... not acceptable for me and I'm not about to retrain and adult person on what is proper protocol in living within a mutual relationship. It gets strange at times. Once my alcoholic/addict wife told me that she was at a "chip and dip meeting" of AA at a guys apartment. Uh No...no such thing...go pick up the check book at the liquour store...they called while you were at the "meeting" and get ready to move. I had to look at my part in it which was while I hated what was going on I enabled it also. I was getting what I didn't want by what I was doing. What I wasn't doing was setting my value systems down in front of me and walking them. I was acting as if she was cured because she said she wasn't drinking. I was acting and saying "that's okay" when it wasn't over and over and over until I was done...hitting my bottom and done. Without trying to get into the fortune telling about what kind of relationship they are having I would call my wife on being dishonest normally and then following thru on "I won't allow that in my life". We split 5 times and each time I came back until I didn't. I said I loved her and then found out I didn't know what love was.
I suggest open, face to face Al-Anon Family Group meetings in your area. You can find the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book. I'd also suggest doing something different than what you are doing now which you will hear at both the meeting and at an addiction counselor's office. Keep coming back here also. In support. ((((hugs))))
It is normal...normally insane
-- Edited by Jerry F on Tuesday 18th of December 2012 06:48:11 PM
Help....Im really struggling with this one..... My wife told me she met with someone she met in re-hab for supper.....I understand that she needs her new friends to talk to but i have a really big problem with her meeting him for dinner.....He is only 21 and my wife is 40....She told me that he likes himself when he is around her, and she says she likes to her that......She says he doesnt judge her or pretend shes something that she's not....That she her for her and not a alchoholic....Im trying to be as supportive as I can....I told her that I believe in her and trust her but this is making me very, very uncomfortable........I cry all the time when I think about it, I just dont think its right that they are meeting for dinner just the two of them....She says he is smart and will be famous someday....Its just killing me......Please someone tell me that its ok.....I love my wife with all my heart and have been great friends since high school but every bone in my body is telling me this isnt right............
I would not be ok with it. I wasn't ok with my AW texting a guy she met in rehab. I don't know if this is right, but I told her that because I was not ok with it, justified or not, she need to honestly choose if she wants to respect my feelings or her friends. I had to set a boundry, I would not allow myself to continually be hurt. Not try to control her but I must remove myself from the pain if the pain didn't stop. I explained that love is not about what you want or what I want it is about what the person you love feels. If you know that your hurting the person you love, then there is a problem (ussually associated with addiction). Addicts are the only ones that I have found that willingly and knowingly hurt those they love. This is the disease, this is addict behavior. You have the right to tell someone not to hurt you. You have the right to not be in pain, we all do. Trust your HP He is the only one who knows you and can carry you through this. He is the only one who can give you streagth and courage. I know your pain and I pray for you.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
This isn't something I'm proud of or would normally tell anyone but here goes..
I attempted suicide in July. 2010, while in a psyc hospital met my Abf/fiancé. We started as friends in all honesty, nothing more. We believed we understood each other as we were dealing with the same thing ( depression ) - but he alcohol too. After only 6 months we were in an active relationship, both married. A short 6 months later we left our spouces - BIGGEST mistake I've ever made.
My point is ... Sick people dont need to be too involved with other sick people, especially of the opposite sex. What heartache my choices have cost me & almost my life.
I'm not trying to bring you down but rather empower you that your instincts are right. It is NOT okay. Even if all is innocent now it is a door that should not be gone thru. Set your boundaries and stay strong. I wish my husband would have, my life would have been much different but ultamently I am an adult and responcible for my own poor choices. (( hugs )) and prayers to you tonight!
Oh gosh Im going through an issue with my husband. He said he was talking to a sponsor around July so I didnt question him, I felt like all that would be between him and his sponsor. Then right before thanksgiving I found out it is a lady, according to him because a man wasnt available at the time. I guess she has been coming over allot and hanging out with him in his man cave, the garage, and I didnt know it because I go to bed at 9pm and he dosent go to bed till usually 1am. Then it comes up that she comes over drunk or high on pills sometimes and she has been to watch him play darts at a bar a few times. She also text him several times a day. So I say something to him and he says "you dont question me about my male friends and she is just a friend, they understand each other. I did met her last week, she came over because my husband had told her I was bothered that I hadnt met her yet. She came over and sat in the garage with us talking for about 2 hours. As I type this I feel like such a ding bat because everyone is saying trust your intuition and that it isnt normal, but I wanted him to get help and I guess I will believe anything to try and get him that help. The good thing he agreed to go to marital counseling the bad thing is the apt. isnt till next week and who knows if he will change his mind.
Yes I agree. It's one thing to have people relate to you at a public AA meeting. It's TOTALLY another over a "dinner for two". While maybe some men have talked at the conclusion of a meeting with women (and vice versa) its much different. Ask yourself this, maybe even bring it up to her... If the tables were turned and you were meeting and having dinner with a 21 year old lady, is that ok and would she be ok with that? Even if you said it was INNOCENT?
Think of the common saying from AA or NA meeting: Sick attracts sick. It is SO common that two sick people in early recovery attract each other either as friends or relationships. Often one form of sickness in addiction turns to sickness in codependency with fellow members of program. This stuff is HIGHLY discouraged in meetings. If he or she is working their program in the right way, the sponsor would not co-sign their crap on the issue.
So what does that mean for you? Nothing. That is her life and her decisions.
I agree what she is doing is NOT appropriate. You've done all you can do. You've expressed your feelings. The problem you are having is not just their meeting but also that she is thinking of only her. She's self absorbed and not considerate. She wants to do what she wants when she wants it. She does not give you the respect to even consider how her actions affect you. (I've been there with my sister. I know it hurts.)
Unfortunately, that is just where she is right now. You can talk to her until you are blue in the face. But you cannot make her respectful or considerate. She has to learn those skills by working her steps. You can only change you.
You must set a boundary and not control. The difference? Boundaries are made to protect you not tell her what to do. Make them realistic.
There is difference with clean time and being in recovery. If she is serious and working her program, these issues will get better.
I agree with the other responders; it's not ok. I know that AA strongly discourages opposite sex sponsors, and there's a reason. It most likely is innocent, especially since she seems to be telling you all about it, but it's a recipe for it to become not innocent. If I were you I would Google AA's stance on it, share it with her, and that it makes you very uncomfortable, and encourage her to reach out to women for one-on-one support outside of group meetings.
My Husband is Not In Recovery, I Am... And I Do also get together with a "Group" for a Holiday Dinner, or Al-Anon Anniversary, and there is mostly Girls, but we do have some Guys in our group, some with Wives also there others on their own.. But only in Group settings... And i do tell my Husband Before hand if I know who's coming and Also Invite him to join us if he likes.. But I would Never Just Meet another Gentleman for dinner regardless of my program Company... In my Eyes, it can only cause more pain in the long run...
For Myself I would Begin to Take a Longer Harder Look at myself, and say: "What do I Want from My Life?" And start Headin in the Direction of your Dreams, Your Healing, Your Chance to have Peace of Mind..Your Serenity.... If you can do that in this realationship, Wonderful.. If you can't... Wonderful... But what ever you do... Do it For YOU! Because You have Plenty of Support Here, and if you can find you a local F2F I Say Do it :) Its Not something that will bring your life Pain... But I Promise if you keep showing up for YOU... It Will Bring Healing ;)
Please Take what you Like & Leave the Rest
KEEP COMING BACK... Cause your Worth it :) Friends in Recovery Jozie
