...because that's what alcoholics do. 4 months 'dry'...without the guidance of a program, an emotional rollercoaster for him, and all the people he's in contact with. Including me.

I have been reading and coming back , not much posting lately, because there is not always the need to analyze it all, I'm working my program, I'm doing my work, that I need to do for myself, because I want ME to get better, keeping the focus on my well-being...some days better than others , some days less....change in progress of the big Co-dependent I am. I am still working through my 4th step. I'm discovering me, my weaknesses and my strengths, it's frightning at times, but then it's great too, because at the same time there is a kind of acceptance and self care sneaking in, that I didn't see coming. It's there, still not very solid. Slef doubt has been a long practice in my life, so I need a bit more time to intensify my new thinking habit. I'm doing well...so far...not perfection, but progress. And HP puts nice encounters on my way too. For instance I live in a country where understanding of affects to the mind of this disease is ignored very much. It's a taboo. Talking things over and out loud is also not a tradition. AlAnon meetings are not accessible, F2F meetings also not. I have the internet, I have this wonderful board, and I have the Al Anon literature, the light on my recovery. And lately these encounters: people I come across that are facing similar situations, struggles and my talent to be open, not isolating anymore. I had fear in the beginning to speak up, but finally did, because for me there was no other way of dealing with this pain inside. Anyway, HP be blessed, i am thankful for these shares, this comfort, understanding that I found unexpectedly, recahing hands...and I grabbed them. Also, because in the beginning i looked for all of that understanding and compassion with my ABF, of course, because I fisrt saw him as my confident, my friend, my partner...and I am believing in a realtionship of sharing and understanding. That was until I found out about the A in BF...

So, for some reason unknown to me, stress built up on his side of life. He became more struggling, more unhappy, more moody, more....Mr hyde again.I could sense the fear in my own bones again...where a lot of compassion and warmth had a chance to sneak in after him getting sober, these old cold mean winds came back in between us. Attention, he started wanting my attention again, ALL of it, evry minute, every hour. And what I liked in the beginning, this much demand for attention, as an old co-dependent...now started feeling as a suffocating room, all exits closed, walls coming nearer, with no way to do things right. I literally tried it all, but due to my own recovery work, more accent on  compassion...less angry. Because that also feels nice to myself. Anyway, no chance. i lost the battle. There was no escape, no way of doing it right, even detachment. Detachment works for me, sure...but sure doesn't seem right to ABF. 'You are not nice to me, you are selfish, you you you... you are not caring, I hate you, I am not happy with you, I feel chained by you' (you=keeping sober) and I didn't walk away, protecting myself, I kept standing near, taking the blame, the accusations, the negative thinking, trying to be of support... until yesterday, where due to circumstances, i actually I really didn't have the time to stand next to him....lucky circumstances for me, busy with my own life...unlucky for him, because hs dummy was not there to take his guilt and anger and frustration for him...so he slipped away, unhappily, escaping with a drinking buddy, getting lost. 

My recovery works, because I kind of knew it was happening, because I got these weird and ugly irrational phone calls from him, because on top of all, he finally called me to tell me 'I'm drunk', 'are you coming here'...like I should rescue him. In my old days I would have freaked out, would have jumped in the car and would have gone there trying to rescue him. Something strange, unusual happened though...not even planned. I detached. click, just like that.I hung up the phone, turned over in my bed ..and was ...CALM!

Wow. Unsual. it didn't even cross my mind that i was maybe selfish or careless. it came naturally. just one thought 'ok then'.  what followed then was predictable...after he noticed i hadn't come to check on him or scold him. texts..i don't even wnat to recall...from suicidal to panic to crazy love to missing ...after 4 months...hello craziness. It was not a nice feeling, I was hurt, i was sad...but something had changed. it was not my business anymore. 

I am not sure still completely where I am standing, what I will be doing next in this realtionship. can't identify my feelings right now, they are simply beyond anger and tears of sadness or panic of loosing him. I am scared sure, I am scared of alcohol and what it does to that beautiful and sensitive person. He's lost. But i don't feel like getting lost with him. I will probably loose him...but it feels safe to know that I am not ready to loose myself as much as before anymore.

I am here, i am with him...for today...detached..for today. He says an awful amount of ugly cruel things while he jumps in the depths of his battle again, back with his high attitude that i really don't want to be around with.he is probably more scared than me. But it's ok, he has to do what seems right to him. I will do what does me good. I am here...taking care of myself, protecting myself, not ready to let the disease in, because it speaks an unfair language, because I know myself better every day, due to my love, for life, for myself for the people in it, for sharing, for this program.

I am thankful to be here. Today. good night!