The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone. I'm having a difficult time making a decision and was wondering if anyone could share any similar experiences. My father is a very unpredictable alcoholic. Growing up he would drink and wrestle my mom in front of my sister and me, when we were teenagers he would push her and pin her until she'd cry for him to stop. There were a few nights where he got so belligerent and incoherent that we had to lock him in our basement until he subdued, like some kind of a monster. I'm in my late 20s now and don't know of any more recent incidents like this as I went away to college and moved to a new city immediately afterward to get out of the environment. While I haven't seen or heard about any violent incidents, in the times I have been home for visits over the holidays, the visits always devolve into my entire family, including my mom, drinking for hours and becoming more and more verbally abusive. I recently stopped home to see my family and my father and sister were unapologetically rude to me and my boyfriend. When I called my father afterwards to ask why he acted this way, he denied doing anything wrong and was angry at me for asking. I know in my heart he has a disease and he feels bad enough, so I wasn't trying to shame him, but I did want him to know that I recognized when I was being mistreated and wanted to set a boundary.
My family celebrates Christmas, and every year I go home and am absolutely miserable. I think about my boyfriend and my friends in the city where I live who get together and have a legitimately fun time at the holidays and I wonder, what would be so wrong with me not going home this year? I don't want my family to think I am punishing them for the way they treat me, and I feel incredibly guilty about not seeing my mom, who is having a really difficult year. I want to be there for her, but I also don't want to be around my verbally abusive father. My sister sides with my father and bullies me too, for example last year she smashed the present I gave her on her kitchen floor. But by not going home, am I just avoiding a problem, or am I making the right decision to preserve my own sanity?
I know any decision I make is going to be a painful one in some capacity and so I wanted to see if anyone else has to make tough decisions like these around the holidays.
Welcome and glad you found us here. If you lived in the house with them, would you tolerate this or would you leave? Well, if this behaivor is unacceptable to you then why does it matter that it is a holiday? Does that make it acceptable and something you are willing to tolerate? Boundaries are boundaries and that doesn't mean they change because it's Christmas.
Maybe you could send gifts, letter, and/or call and explain your boundary and why you won't be coming, if you choose that path. Just don't engage in an arguement. State your position and then move on. Don't expect it will change anything about them, cause most likely it won't. And if you decide to go, don't expect them to be any different then they have in the past.
Keep coming back because this is more than just about Christmas for you it sounds like.
Thanks so much for your reply. You make a really good point, the holidays are no reason to put up with unacceptable behavior. I would like to see my mom and help her out (my grandfather is sick and she's been caring for him, without the help of my dad and sister of course)-- there's no reason I can't just rent a car, help her for a day, and go home. I think it would be good to set the parameters of what I'm willing to do.
And you're absolutely right, expecting anything to change for the better just out of the blue doesn't make sense. And I will keep going to meetings, because yeah, it's definitely more than Christmas at play here.
Since I grew up and got out of my parents home, I have rarely gone back to visit. It would always be too much for me and I wasn't into being miserable and punished any longer by my FOO(family of origin). My life has become more serene and Al-anon face to face and MIP have helped me to get there. I used to think I had to endure them because I owed it to them, but now a days I know I deserve to have a healthier Chrsitmas and have made my own traditions. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thanks Breakingfree. I made the decision to stay in the city and spend Christmas with my boyfriend. He doesn't drink so it will be my first Christmas not surrounded by inebriated, angry people... looking forward to seeing what that's all about :)
I still don't really feel good about my decision. I think it's based in some codependency issues and the idea that I'm abandonning my mom, but the truth is even if I were there, there's nothing I could really do to "help" the situation, and it would just depress me. All I can do is take care of myself, and keep my side of the street clean.
