The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been on here for months, gone to 2 Al Anon meetings and thought I was "getting it". I wasn't. The words were there and I was hearing them and knew them, but not completely. Had another breakdown in front of the wife last night. I don't consider it a failure or lost cause. The whole time in our conversation I never mentioned alcohol. It was more about the other stressors I have going on in my life. I left out her drinking and frankly, adding that to the list did it really matter? She said I needed help, maybe even go to the doctor and see if there is anything I can get for anxiety.
I told her I needed to go back to some group meetings (I didn't mention Al Anon specifically, but really does that matter?) The two I had attended in the past have been weekday during the day meetings. Never felt comfortable with either group, but one sat a little better than the other. Meetings are limited in my city, not to mention there are 2 meetings that are specifically named women in them, which I sorta disagree with. There are two other meetings I will try to get to one or both. Both are at night, one on Friday night at 8pm and one Sunday nights at 7pm. I will tell the AW I am going. I am hopeful one will work so I can find a face to face sponsor.
Something I am feeling right now is anger. I really angers me that I am going through probably the roughest time I ever had emotionally and the wife seems to be all "wine and roses". How can this be? I won't say that I have done things wrong or right (other than I have stopped even mentioning alcohol) but to sum it all up... this just plain sucks.
On another question, I have read "Getting Them Sober, Vol. 1". Any suggestions on other books? I downloaded a preview of Vol. 2 but since kids are grown and gone and I am not leaving my wife, doesn't seem as applicable and had trouble relating. Thanks for reading.
It took me MANY years to find a group and ironically it was a group I had attended years ago that I really disliked, I never felt comfortable with .. so here's the shocker .. it wasn't the group it was me. I seriously had to be in such a place of pain for me to really get and guess what else .. they say try 6 meetings it took me 3 to 4 months of attending meetings before I REALLY felt comfortable. As I work the steps I realize there are no other people that I would rather go through this process than this group. I have been held up, held through, given strength and it has been my honor to recepricate to others the same gifts they have given so freely to me.
Please try and keep an open mind. Remember that you always reserve the right to take what you like and leave the rest, there is a full refund of misery waiting at the door if it just doesn't truly work for you.
This program is more than just not talking about the drinking or the alcoholic it's learning to focus on me so that I am not consumed by someone else's behavior regardless of what they are doing or not doing.
A book I highly recommend is the Alanon How It Works, it's 5$ for the paperback and it's a great insight into the program, slogans and stories of recovery, as well as applying the program to daily living.
Keep coming back it really gets better, it only got better when I started going to the meetings and working MY program of recovery.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
HDFT, I am sure you are getting it as you are supposed to...Only there is not one piece or one group of info that is "the answer" it's a continuous process. Your instincts to reconnect yourself to the program at a higher level are probably going to help a lot. There is no end point in alanon...it's a journey. Be easy on yourself.
Living with an A is REALLY REALLY tough...ALanon helps with serenity, but even the best program in ALanon doesn't guarantee serenity 100% of the time -- why? Because we are all human.
There are times when I have been a ranting lunatic. I have been so anxious that I couldn't eat for days...or so stressed I eat junk food for comfort at 3 a.m. (we're talking marshmallow fluff straight out of the jar )
Today I was shoveling heavy wet snow..for hours...and thinking "why doesn't anyone care enough about me to help?" I was REALLY ticked off -- to once again, be totally on my own. I know that wasn't the "right" attitude, but it was what I was feeling at the time. I have to stop judging myself for feeling abandoned.
We are human. Sometimes we're anxious, sometimes we're angry, and yep, not always totally rational. It's all part of the human condition. I don't think that working a program means that you don't ever lose it, and that you have a perfect little act together all the time...it certainly doesn't mean that for me. It means when I do get into that headspace..I reach out to people who will reach back for me, get support where I can, and PRAY for guidance.
Please be kind to yourself...You ARE a miracle in progress.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Tuesday 18th of December 2012 05:33:07 PM
i can relate with your post, at first i was like on an al-anon high it all made sense and i could see my life and myself getting better, then i went backwards doubting me, al-anon god etc. I heard it said that with al-anon we get sicker when we come into al-anon before we get better. For me i try and force soloutions, think way too much thats why one of the best slogans for me is easy does it.
Also the more selfknowledge i get the more i have to return to the first 3 steps over and over. Surrrender and control was what I was struggling with, and I have come to realise I can only live in this moment, and everything else i hand over to my HP his will for me is to do the next right thing, right now.
Hugs and like pinkchip says this a journey. its about progression not perfection. ODAT
Love
Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
Hang in there, F2F meeting will help. I felt like the odd gal out for quite awhile too. I went daily for over 4 months. After only a week or two people started to warm up,
Don't know if they get alot of short timers and kinda wait and see or what but that was how I felt at 1st. I know I was encouraged by the stories of so many who seemed to be living my exact life & feelings. Hold on and get ya some meetings, your doing ok
(((hdftby)))...keep yer head up guy...we've only just begun. There might be other issues other than just your wife's drinking that are kicking your butt and you may not know what they are...working with other professionals does help support recovery. You might be uncomfortable at just two meetings for lots of reacons and some might be "it's too early to tell" like others have suggested "You're too shy and resistant" my bestest favorite because I own this one and it kept me at arms length from the program to start also. "your mind is too closed" I owned this one too and finally got that I had to shut the other voices in my head up for at least the hour I was in the rooms...It worked!! "might be afraid of what the alcoholic is thinking or doing while you're at the meeting and there is no way to concentrate over that in my own opinion...I'm trying to control something "out there" while I'm also trying to be "in here". You're not very trusting yet...you're not convinced that what you've been directed to do by others who said it worked for them that it will also work for you...that kinda sorta the "It's not working because I'm different than you guys" response. It took me a while to get to the point where I heard the fellowship telling me to listen for the similarities rathern than the differences and when I learned this and followed thru on it I had more OMG!! moments than christmas trees have tinsel.
For now Keep yer head up and keep going/coming back...Open mind...listen, learn...practice, practice, practice.
Get to the literature table also...My wife and I have the full library with the exception of the latest creation...that one comes very soon. My favorites have always been the daily readers; One Day At A Time in Al-Anon, Courage to Change and Hope for Today are the dailies.
Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.
I am sorry for your struggle. I can totally relate to what you said about your wife telling you to go get help. My AH tells me all the time that I need Xanax in my life. I always think to myself, that if he wasn't in my life, then I wouldn't have anxiety...oh well...I will not allow him to tell me what I need. I am working on myself and dealing with things the best way I know how. I did find comfort in seeing a counselor. It felt good to go talk to someone who actually listened to me and could give me advice. The counselor I saw was originally our marriage counselor and he also dealt with addiction. He was very insightful and helpful for me.
Alanon meetings are a great place to listen and share and feel as though you are not alone, but sometimes it feels good to selfishly talk and get if off your chest. I found that the ftf meetings and the counseling combo worked great for me when I was at my lowest. I probably should continue some maintenance sessions just so I can keep myself sane.
I was not angry when I first came into AlAnon. I was confused. As I learned more I became more and more angry. I was coming out of fantasyland and into reality and didn't like what I was seeing. My first thoughts, though, was to get myself back to the happiness that I had before I met the hubby. I wanted what I had before I was thrown into the world of alcoholism. I had to learn again that I am important to me. I had to learn that loving someone didn't mean surrenduring to their life and their wishes.
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