The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have dated my boyfriend for a year, during which time he finalized his divorce, moved into his own place and got a great job. It was also his first year of sobriety. During this entire year I have helped and supported him to deal with his illness, divorce, kids, even letting him stay here for along periods of time when he had no where else to go. Now that everything has fallen into place for him, he is spending almost no time with me at all. We speak on the phone, pretty much every day, but it's generally about his life. I include him in all of my family events, but he has blatantly excluded me. He has two children and that is playing a role in our relationship. His high school age son is fine with us - I have met him just a few times and he is okay with his dad dating and genuinely likes me. His daughter is about to graduate college and she is not okay with her Dad dating and said some pretty nasty things in reference to me yesterday. For some reason, my boyfriend told me what she said and it really hurt my feelings. I have never met her. Now he is cutting me out of all of the holidays and not making any time for us at all. It was already getting difficult to see each other with his move and my strange work hours, but now he is just making me feel exceptionally insignificant. I plan to make my own plans for the holidays without him and he knows this. He claims the holidays are hard for him, but they are equally hard for me. We could have cheered each other up, and turned a tough time into something fun. I can't decide if this is something to do with his being an alcoholic or just a huge problem in our relationship. Right now, I feel we are going to end our relationship very soon bc I don't want to see him once a month and call that a relationship. I feel very used and insignificant bc of all this. We love each other very much but I know that sometimes that just isn't enough. He used to make me feel very special, but that isn't the case at all anymore.
I could really use some advice bc I don't want to create an even bigger problem. I am so hurt by the comments his daughter made and by the way he has overtly excluded me.
Thoughts? Are we done? Is this an alcoholic issue or my boyfriend's problem?
For the record, I believe his daughter could cause our relationship to end. And it will happen without her ever meeting me.
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this disconnect in your relationship. The Holiday time is difficult for many of us. I am heartened to read that you plan to take care of yourself during this time. It is so important for us keep the focus on our needs and not abandon our hopes and dreams.
Relationships with a recovering alcoholic can be confusing and challenging especially if he is newly divorced and newly sober. AA suggests that there be no major life changes for the first year of sobriety this especially includes no new relationships as well. Your boyfriend's life has certainly changed dramatically. These huge changes are difficult for most, even those not trying to recover from alcoholism.
The man I am in a relationship with for over 25 years is a divorced man with two children. He is not an alcoholic but he too used the" come to me go away attitude when we first dated ". I can assure you that when we first started dating neither child accepted me. They resented the fact that he was with me and not their mom. I understood this and did not force the issue. I maintained my friends, family and life as he did. He spent Holidays with his grown children and I with my son and family It worked fine and today after many years they accept me and invite me to Holiday Celebrations and he is accepted into my family as well.
My only advise to you is use alanon tools, take care of yourself and try to attend
on- line meetings here. You need to connect with a support system and break the isolation caused by the disease of alcoholism.
Life is a process and your relationship will unfold as it should.
No esh...have you shared what you have posted with him? we cant expect others to know what we need some times we have to tell them plain and clear, then you may get a better understanding of where your relationship is going and if he can give you what you need.
In support Simone x
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
What the daughter says is her own issue, though it does sound a bit odd as to why your boyfriend would pass the comment on to you.
But the way I see it, the bigger issue is cutting you out over the holidays. If that is not something that works for you -- which would be totally reasonable -- that does indeed suggest that he doesn't see your relationship the way you see it. Sure, the initial years of sobriety can be a rollercoaster. But whether it's that or just his way of seeing things (which would be my guess), your needs are your needs, and you're responsible for getting them met. If they're not being met, then that's something to look at. You may want to take care to stay aware of your feelings as the months progress, and see if he's a person who can meet these legitimate needs. It's possible that enough of them are being met. Or it's possible that he's a person who's not willing or able to step up to the plate.
I hope you'll keep on taking good care of yourself!
I'm with Mattie what was your ABF's motive for sharing said information? Whatever his dd says is about her really not you. It's also a big big sign about how he's going to choose to handle the situation.
Stepping away and focusing on you may be the best thing you can do. I'm not saying end the relationship .. I'm saying let it be.
Something I have really learned this year if I have to chase someone for attention and affection then I really don't want it anyway. They can't give me what I need. I'm not a convience store and I'm not leftovers. If someone really wants to be with me they are going to make the time and there is going to be an equal exchange of work on the relationship. Granted it's not always 50/50 however there is effort and it's not always ME putting in the effort.
Going to some open AA meetings that are not involved with your RAB might be a big help to see what recovery means and how hard it is the first year. It's actually 18 months that is suggested in AA's 12 and 12 about not making any changes. I absolutely encourage you to take time and listen to what he's said to you, go to a few alanon meetings and see if that is something that applies to you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's good you're going forward to plan a great holiday for yourself. My first year in Alanon I was in a divorce and living separately from my ex. I invited Alanon women to my home right before the holiday for a sit down dinner and Alanon meeting. We had a wonderful time. I wanted to not let his disease win. One woman even brought a cake because it was her birthday. I found strength in banding together with others who understood what I was going through and I still do today. I honestly can't say enough about seeking out others in the program especially during the holidays. I like to get to some beginners meetings because they focus on the first three steps and also it's a great way to give back and see where I was when I was new. Please don't give your power away to this man. Someone in the program once told me to never make someone else my priority and allow myself to be their "option." If you feel you deserve more than you are getting, trust yourself. Enjoy your holidays. You're worth it. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I finally had a chance to read all of your responses and thank each of you. At this point, I am just working every day and feel exhausted. I have not reached out to him and don't plan to do that. If he wants to see me and spend time with me, he needs to call and make plans. For now, I am planning to do my traditional "Jewish" Christmas with a girlfriend who won't have her kids, and will probably work New Years Eve and just come home and sleep. It doesn't seem that he wants to make any plans with me or understand how hurt I am by his actions. It's pretty terrible way to end the year, especially after all the promises he made to me.
My ex is not sober and our child doesn't like his girlfriends. They take time away from her relationship with her father; which is fragile and toxic at best. Taking time from the healing and bonding that they really need. My divorce has been final for a month. She's not even used to that, not to mention all these girls he shoves down her throat. I'm not saying you are a bad person, just a wrench in the little time the spend together and the new routines and traditions they need to create. His kids are hurting, healing and trying to connect with this new sober dad.
I think it's less about you and more about them wanting their dad. I'd also venture a guess that he could work around that and see you if he wanted to.
Just another perspective from the flip side...who know what goes on in their heads?
My bf and I finally had a great conversation and cleared things up. He is going through HELL since this is his first holiday season without alcohol. Even though he was sober last year, it was only about 75 days and he was still numb. Now he is dealing with guilt and shame and struggling. I understood and supported everything he told me and told him to get to as many meetings as he needs. I also told him that we need better communication to avoid these situations in the future and reminded him that I will always support whatever he needs to stay sane and sober. We were able to have a fun Xmas eve and Xmas day together. When I left him, he picked up his kids and spent a great deal of time with them, and then attended a meeting. We are still uncertain about NYE but I told him if he wants to be in meetings all day, I am fine with that.
I am not going to address his daughters issues bc they are her issues, not mine. His relationship with me is not taking any time away from her. She is 21 years old and just has to accept that this is what it is, but to NOT prejudge me. He apologized for mentioning her words to me and acknowledged that he could understand why I felt slighted.
Now that we are properly communicating, things are much better. He never wants to hurt me or damage what we have bc we both feel we are supposed to be with each other. I hope that over time his daughter will stop her childish selfish behavior. But in the meantime, I am completely staying clear of her.
