The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been in a relationship for 28 months, living with a lifelong A. He & I seemed to click from the moment we met & our relationship progressed quickly. My ABF/ finance also suffers from mental issue, he is a cutter & often suicidal but those episodes were always fueled by alcohol. He is controlling - I was never allowed to go anywhere without him ( claiming to keep me safe ) my family hated him for the ways I had changed since we met & for the situations of self violence he had exposed me to. I even lost seeing my 14yr old during these many months. He was good to me, generous & loving in every way. He could only string about 60 - 90 days of sobriety at at time unfortunately. Approximately 6 months ago he started having seizures when he would try to stop drinking after 2-3 days. ER after ER visits, ambulances, police, etc - it was all so overwhelming. He progressed to having the seizures even when sober & after test was diagnosed that they were not epileptic but pseudoseizers - emotionally & - emotionally & psychistorically driven & no medication (siezure med) would help them. They said no alcohol & he needed intence psychotherapy. On November 11 after a few seizures & drinking a small amount his personality changed & he attacked me. Choking me over & over, allowing me a single gasp of air in-between & repetitively telling me I was gonna pay & he was gonna kill me. Thankfully God preserved my life, after 10-12 chokings he began to cry & said "I just can't do it".. Released my neck & told me to get out of the apartment - I did & police arrested him on a felony charge for his actions. He was bonded out by his father & although I am living elsewhere & have a protective order in place I am struggling to put this behind me. I love this man like no other person in this world. I feel bad to leave him alone & so sick, fearful he will deteriorate more & die in that apartment. My anxiety is so high I can barley function right now, and the holidays make it so much worse. I know a reasonable person would be angry at him but I can not feel that anger. It makes sense in my head that I can not have any future with him but my heart can't seem to get the message. I'm staying with my parents but they do not understand at all - just the constant "it takes time to move on" when I'm down. I want to have a life but I'm frozen in fear of the future & heartache & love from the past. Thanks for your time... Know I am trying. I've been reading posts here for about a week before I got the nerve to post my own.
-- Edited by AngieP on Monday 17th of December 2012 12:43:39 AM
Sounds like the first step you need to take is find a local Al Anon meeting and go to it. Believe me, we will understand where you are coming from. Also I would recommend the book Codependent No More. That might shed some light.
I was my family member's codependent enabler for a long time and had similar feelings as you. The meetings and book helped me understand what the real dynamic was and how to start working towards getting out of that unhealthy place.
If you focus on you and stopping the codependent cycle, believe me it will make a big difference in your well being as well as for ALL of your loved ones.
Welcome Angie...try something? read your post as if it were someone else posting and then see what you come up with perception. How do you see it...How do you feel about what you feel? Your share is very very scary. You've placed yourself in a very dangerous, life threatening position and sound like the addict or alcoholic looking for and not being able to wait for another fix. This is our disease...they are addicted to chemicals that are life threatening and we are addicted to them which is life threatening. Alcoholism/addiction is a life threatening disease and it doesn't care which one or all who loose their lives.
You almost lost yours and he is working toward loosing his. How does a person have a normal relationship with abnormal people and abnormal conditions? I screamed I loved my alcoholic/addict wife and wanted to be with her and actually I found out was that I didn't love her...I needed her...to need me. I was sick beyond belief.
What I did was allow myself to be led to and then led into the Al-Anon Family Groups. I found their hotline number in the white pages of my local telephone book where I lived at the time and the program saved my mind, life and spirit. That is what worked for me and the only thing I can suggest for you. There is much more and for now lets keep it simple. From experience I am also a behavioral health therapist who use to work within the addiction/alcoholism field. You are in danger and keeping yourself in danger. Go get help quickly and keep coming back here too. ((((hugs))))
Thank you both, I am going to attend a local F2F tomorrow & I will be seeking that book too.
Jerry.. You nailed it for me In 2 areas... I am an addict waiting for that new fix with ABF I can see that & I can see that I want him to need me, so twisted but I think that is right. I must stop talking to him or being around him (even in limited amounts & sober).
Thank You both, your replies have been much appreciated and VERY helpful after a horrible day.
Angie, your emotions and the behaviors with wanting to rescue and "help" your qualifier are not ususual. Alanon is the place to go for help. The ups and downs of a relationship with an alcoholic/addict are really intense and it's pretty much like an addiction for you. You don't have to do this alone. I suggest going to a meeting.
It looks like you are all set to go tomorrow. Keep sharing here.
