The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night was a practice of letting go for me. After 7 hours of waiting for him to come home, he came in the house intoxicated (shocker!) I said hello to him and he started to get defensive immediately. He said, "Go ahead....yell at me." I did not respond. That is a huge step for me! He kept it up and when I wouldn't respond, he just got frustrated. When he said are you not going to talk to me? I said Are you looking for a fight, because I don't want to fight. He said no, I just want to have a normal conversation. I replied with, well we aren't going to have a normal converstation. That was all that I said. He threw a fit like a three year old and said if you're not going to talk to me, then I'll just go to bed...and he did! I was so proud of myself because I was so worried anxious and angry last night wondering if he was dead or alive or in jail and then he comes home and wants to argue! I did it though. This morning, I just acted normal, said good morning, offered him some breakfast I was making and that is that.
I need to have a conversation about boundaries, but I don't know how to start it. I don't think the morning after is the right time, because I know he will still be on the defense. I also don't know when is a good time because I just don't want to start an argument. Any time I bring anything up about the issue it becomes a fight. I am wondering if maybe I don't need to spell out the boundaries, but rather just demonstrate my need for them by not engaging with him when he is drinking. Any thoughts or suggestions?
Here is one sentence from Tom ( Canadianguy) that started me on my way
Quote: Time to choose recovery.... for YOU. An awesome book on the whole subject is "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. That book literally saved my sanity, and started me well on my way towards my recovery..... Posting here, going to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings, etc., are all good things...
I have my up's and down's but I'm doing so much better as I take this journey. I have far less worry and fear. I'm working on my sadness finding things that make me happy and not dwelling on him all the time.
I have to remember the 3 C's and say them everyday. I pray to my HP and ask for peace and serenity.....one day at a time.
Keep coming back my friend
((( hugs )))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Kudos to you, I do know how hard this was for you. I've been in that/simular situation & know how hard it is to not engage or get sucked in. You did great & are stronger for it.
On the boundary thing, it seems like the first thing to think about is what the boundaries are meant to accomplish. They work best if the protect us rather than ask the other person to change. So not even mentioning the boundary is something some people do do. You just put it into place when the times comes. It sounds as if you are already having a lot of success not rising to the bait!
That's the way to "DO"it imom...notice that you said little even when invited and he got the message with "non-verbal" communications. Non-verbal meaning you "walked it" and didn't "talk it". That is what I learned in Al-Anon and how. The verbal stuff drove both me and my alcoholic/addict crazier than normal and so with my sponsors help I "Didn't react" We discussed and I learned that the alcoholic/addict would get it more and hear more when I worked my side of the conversation with body language. They focus on that most anyway and I later learned that body language is the greatest part of conversation. I didn't act out bad, snitty language. I acted out calm, serene determined stuff and it worked. My verbal responses were like yours...compassionate, supportive and peaceful. Often times it will drive them crazy because they interpret that "you will not or are not going to fight" when they are expecting one, and then most often the crazy drive is nothing but a short walk seeing as they are almost there anyway. Awesome accomplishment...duplicated it the next time its necessary. (((((hugs)))))
Someone at a meeting had a different perspective on boundaries. Their (A's) reaction may not be because of what we said or did, it is a reaction to our new found boundaries. Go figure.
