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I had a minor upset with my Mom today. She has been trying to quit smoking for, I don't know, a few months, I guess. She goes through these fazes where she talks about it, but doesn't get very far. I have made many suggestions about resources that she could take advantage of to help herself, but she hasn't looked into a single one. She did finally talk to her Dr. , but I finally realized that I cannot get into her smoking business any more than I could get into my soberAH's business when he was using/drinking. It makes me too crazy.
On our way to a Christmas party this afternoon she stated that she had cut down to 10-12 cigs a day for the last 3-4 days. We started talking about methods of quiting and other aspects of addiction in general. But, apparently she didn't want a general conversation about addiction and smoking because all of a sudden she got really pissy that I didn't seem proud of her for cutting down her smoking. I wasn't being supportive and apparently I only think she isn't doing it right and smoking isn't as bad as alcoholism/drug addiction.
I'm not sure how she came to any of these conclusions because that is not at all what I said. But I realized that her thinking is just like any addict. They hear what they want to hear, and it is not uncommon for an A to make valiant attempts to control their use/drinking and expect everyone to pat them on the back and throw a party in honor of said effort.
Hmmm, it was then that I realized that apparently I need a boundary. I cannot discuss this issue with my Mom. Talk of the numbers of cigs she has smoked the last few days makes me uncomfortable. It's too much like talking to an A about how many beers he's been drinking. I guess I was trying to be supportive by steering the conversation to a more general topic instead of just not saying anything.
I don't want to step on any toes here, but I personally see smoking as just another mood altering addiction that controls the addict. My husband is still a smoker and I have a very hard time keeping to my side of the street on the issue. It is one of those issues that the disease can really get to me and infect me with its chaos.
I tried to apologize to Mom about my lack of support, but I kind of flubbed it up and she wasn't listening anyway.
It's not that I don't appreciate her attempt to quit. I hope and pray she does make it. I just can't get emotionally invested in the outcome. I don't think she can really understand that. I really think she feels that I am selfish and callous about a lot of things. She really just doesn't know me very well and she filters her view of me through her own insecurities. That hurts a lot sometimes, because it makes me a bad guy/scape goat, but I remind myself that it's her sick thinking. She has no program to help her sort out her sick thinking patterns.
I thank my HP for Al-Anon. I know I wouldn't have much of a relationship at all with her without my program.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I stopped talking to my dad years ago about his quitting smoking. He would update me with his new quit tactics, and I would just be supportive and then change the subject. He never did quit, even to his dying days last winter. He was so immobilized from a spinal tumor that he couldn't even hold his own cigarettes so his caretakers would hold it for him. He was able to quit drinking, but the cigarettes were a worse addiction for him. I am so glad I quit smoking many years ago, it's nasty stuff.
I think you have the right mindset, applying the three Cs just as you did with your AH.
This is something my AH and I am struggling with too. Unfortunately I am the one that started smoking again. I had quit for over 16 years, but found that picking up a cigarette stopped me from chewing the inside of my mouth or completely biting off my nails due to the stress with the AH. I do not want to continue to smoke, but during my AHs recovery struggle I feel I am struggling too. And it's ironic that just a few minutes ago he made a snide comment about my car window being left open. Not sure if he said it in front of our children so they would catch on. That is possibly his motive because they don't know I smoke, but I do want to quit. I want to quit for myself.... not for my AH. Wishing you luck in your struggle.
You make some good points. Whether it's quitting smoking or drinking, if it's not mine it's not my business. There's been another boundary that I had to set for myself too. When I got together with my recovering bf, he was quick to tell me that he didn't want to be "lumped in with other alcoholics I've known." He said "I'm me!" He's conscious of his alcoholism, being an alcoholic. He tells me it's how he stays sober each day. I had to root out whether I was responding to him as my bf or reacting to him based on the fact that he's an alcoholic. The boundary for me was to not have any greater expectations of him than I would of any other human being. I tried to be more aware if I was overcompensating or withholding emotionally. I needed to find emotional balance in my communication with him.
He's a tobacco user. I struggle with his using too. I don't want it in the house. He accepts this and is respectful of my feelings. I'm trying to remember I have my own struggles. I'm betting he's tired of hearing me complain that my jeans don't fit me like they use to. I complained about that last year too. There would be a lot of health benefits if I lose that weight. I've asked him not to bring junk food into the house and he is supportive of me in that way. That inconveniences him for something that isn't his problem. So where are we here... he uses tobacco, I use food and he keeps both out of the house for my sake. We're both just muddling through odaat at our house. Maybe this year huh... Nice to hear your mom is making progress with tobacco odaat.
Thanks for sharing (((jen))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
