I haven't been working my program at all for the last 3 weeks.  I've totally slacked off.  The flu, a bronchial infection before that, and then a new puppy have thrown my schedule for a loop.  Oh, and throw in the holidays and I'm beside myself.

AH and I have been going to marriage counseling weekly.  Things maiare seeming worse to me than when we started.  I am really starting to see that he's just plain old angry, drinking or not.  His anger has seeped into me and our son, and made us emotional messes.  The marriage therapist told AH to get into individual counseling to show that he's really truly willing to 'work' on our marriage.  I have no false hopes anymore.  He puts up walls every time the MT or I start to talk to him.  The MT asked him to look inward instead of blaming the rest of the world for his problems, but AH just threw it back in his face and turned the conversation around, AGAIN.  It's become a merry go round even with the MT and I see the way AH argues with the MT just to NOT deal with what needs to be dealt with.  AH says that I am the one who won't deal with what needs to be fixed.  LOL, what he really means is that I am not giving him s*x so therefore it must be a problem that I must fix for him.  He hasn't heard a word I've said all these months.  He still doesn't seem to understand that we need to rebuild the relationship from a new start, that I need to see actions behind those words, and that it may take time for me to trust him again but that I do believe it could happen.  He doesn't believe this, he thinks it's over and keeps acting like it.  He keeps turning it all back upon me, blaming me, etc.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one who's willing to change, willing to work on this marriage, willing to trust God for my future.  My sponsor said today that I sound like I'm close to making a decision.  Maybe I am?  I don't know.  I do know that the marriage counseling has been very eye opening to me and maybe I've just gotten some validation from just realizing that the MT sees what I see and that he sympathizes with me and knows how hard my position is when dealing with AH. 

Not sure what is in my future for my AH.  I do know that I'd love to see him get real help.  Not for our marriage's sake, because that may not work out in the end anyway, but for our son.  So that our son can MAYBE have a father who finds emotional and mental health and sets the right example.  Of course, if he doesn't do these things, then I can accept that as well.  I just pray that HP has a positive path for AH, whether I'm involved or not.

Hope you all are having wonderful Christmas seasons.  I love this time of year!!!  It's raining and cold here in Phoenix and I'm half asleep on the couch.  If it wasn't for keeping one eye open while watching the puppy, I'd probably be 100% asleep, LOL!

my comment is not going to make me popular, but I have learned that Al-Anon saves lives--not necessarily marriages.

sometimes the active drinking covers up real character flaws, in ourselves and our spouses. early recovery is a difficult passage and perhaps not the time to undergo severe scrutiny--there will be time enough for that down the road. for an alcoholic in early recovery, staying sober is a demanding, full-time task. for we who love them, early recovery is a demanding full-time task...

my sponsor wisely suggested I focus on myself. she suggested I work the Steps. she encouraged me to get to meetings, to call my Al-Anon friends, to do something nice for myself, to attend open AA meetings (for better understanding.) I needed other things to do besides focusing all my efforts on my relationship. it needed a break--and so did I.

time passes...

as we become stronger, clearer-headed, better educated about the disease of alcoholism, we make better choices. I encourage you to give yourself the gift of time...

I wish things sounded better on the home front ILD.

As far as working on yourself... Yeah, I know you've been trying to do that. Understanding yourself in the context of a contentious and volatile relationship is not the medium to best learn about yourself. You will probably get more out of alanon meetings and working with your sponsor. What fears do you have of letting go of your husband (not necessarily talking divorce)? I understand wanting another person to change so badly and they just don't do it. I also understand me really feeling that is SOOOO obvious how the other person needs to change and therefore I carried on in the relationship being miserable and "right."

In the end, all that focus on another person needing to change just crippled me and paralyzed me from making the changes that I needed to make, but was terrified of making. I was terrified of being on my own. I was terrified of change. I was terrified to be responsible to just me. I was terrified to go after what I really wanted and not get it. I was terrified to succeed. I was terrified to fail. I was just terrified.

Your freedom and your serenity are at stake and it's your fears that are the problem. Not to be overly challenging, but what are you really afraid of? It's more than staying together so your son can remain in home schooling. There are some real fears for you and you are too good of a person to live like that anymore....with or without your AH.

You know what's funny, Pinkchip? He's been really normal around the house lately. If it wasn't for what gets revealed in marriage counseling, I'd have thought he was getting better. But, now I realize that it's just a sham at home. It's his new tactic and he's even admitted to it. He's purposely keeping his mouth shut about his opinions, judgments, blaming others, complaining about work and how they screw him all the time, etc. He told the marriage counselor that his life is sh*t and that I'm not capable of ever trusting him. He said that when he sees someone with a tattoo, that he'll be paying for that person for the rest of his life. When he sees a black person, they are automatically a criminal and will cost him money. It all comes down to money with him and how everyone else's actions affect his bottom line or infringe upon his freedoms or life in some way.

So, when I get out of marriage counseling I feel like crap because I've realized that his twisted thinking is worse than ever. He's still the victim, he still won't take responsibility for his side of the street, and he feels that I'm to blame for the lack of s*x in our relationship. It's like he's not heard one word of our conversations in therapy, not one of the things I've said have sunk in. He's still drinking but I don't even care about that anymore. It's become much bigger than that, as it's really about the disease of the mind and his thinking that get me off track.

I am back to working my steps, talking to my sponsor on a more regular basis. I realize now that I was letting his craziness get me sidetracked once again.

To answer your question: I am afraid of a lot of things. Mostly his retaliation. He is very capable of retaliatory behavior and I am not sure I can trust him to pay what he's supposed to pay or to not make my life a living h*ll in the future. I keep thinking I can hang on long enough until my son is old enough to drive and get a job. It would give us a chance to get on our feet and we both can find work. My other issues are more personal: Like I have no desire for a relationship with any man at all, so I guess I figure I might as well stay and keep working my program while here. Yet, I'm not afraid to be alone, I'm not afraid to get a job, and I'm definitely not afraid to move or start over. It's the question of: what would this do to my son and his dreams if I shake the whole thing up? I know I'll be fine, I've recreated myself over and over in my short life, I'm not afraid. I guess I fear for the unknown with my son because of all his issues and how emotional he is. I don't want to throw him into depression or anxiety like he had a few years ago, it was truly heartbreaking and gut wrenching to watch a child struggle the way he did. I guess I feel that if I keep status quo, that things will just stay status quo, as they are right now. Yet, I know that things change. It's inevitable. The question is whether I want to bring about the change myself or just let things fall into change in the future as life moves on?