The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been in Al-Anon for a little over 9 years. When asked how do I help my child I have always shared what (I thought) worked for me. Things like
I shut down the Bank of Mom
I stopped rescuing giving him the dignity to grow up. etc
All of this made good common sense until July 13, 2012. That is the date I was notified by a police chaplain that my son living in another state had been found deceased.
The things I have always shared that made logical sense, now seem to mean nothing when I am asked "How is your son doing now"? It really takes out the validity of what
I have shared when I have to say that he passed away.
Any ideas of how I can still pass the message on and not lie to people. I can almost hear it in their voices "Yea right, she did all of that and he died, sounds like something I really want to jump into with both feet NOT
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I think it is so normal to want to blame ourselves for the alcoholic demise. I heard this week that a former neighbor of mine has damaged his body so much he is going on dialysis.
That means basically he is on life support. These days I am in acceptance about the disease. I know I cannot win against it.
I think there is a message in learning what our limits are and how to take care of ourselves in great tragedy.
I don't think it is hopeless but I do very much understand the ferociousness of this disease. Few people survive it.
(((Mobirdie))) I am so very sorry and feel I cannot adequately express things in words. This is such a horrible and baffling disease. I'm feeling it may come across as insensitive or lame, but one thought I had while reading your post are the 3Cs and that these were his choices. I have come to believe in my own journey that when I tried to help my qualifier, I wound up growing his disease as well as my own. If I hadn't disengaged as much as I have, I wouldn't be around to work a program. I hope, in some small way, this may be helpful.
One of the toughest things for you to go through, and you're so right - puts a lot of things in perspective....
From where I sit, your story still serves as a great reminder to us all.... even with the best tools, use of program, so-called good decisions, etc., etc. - the reality is that some A's will get better, some will get worse, and some will die.
The loss of your son is tragic, and is a horrible, senseless loss.
The only solace I can offer is that you truly did your best, and gave him the best opportunity to choose sobriety. I am deeply sorry, for you AND for your son, that he was unable to find his path...
To me, your story is an honest and heartfelt recognition that this disease IS life or death.
I don't know about the message for you to carry to others going forward..... If you still believe in the tenets of the program, I quite honestly can't imagine a more powerful message, than one coming from a mother who has lost her son to the disease.
Thanks for sharing
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi Mo and welcome back to the board...So sorry to hear your son passed away...Sad!! and might be at times when people ask that you get to relive it all again. Maybe a short honest "my son has passed away and for now I rarely speak about it...thanks for now" and then either change the subject or ask them how they are doing to alter the focus. It will take time for you to do it all on your own. Some persons do an obituary in the local news paper and run it a time or three. Welcome back ((((hugs))))
I do so understand and am so sorry for the loss of your precious son . My son, sober in AA for many years, relapsed and passed away within a short time. During the time of his sobriety I was in alanon, convinced that I "had done it all right" How painful and humbling was his passing.
Today I share my truth This is a dreadful disease, over which we are powerless. The tools of living one day at a time, focused on myself trusting my higher power enables me to live with courage, serenity , compassion, empathy and peace.
Alanon has no guarantees that the alcoholic will find or keep recovery The tools suggested and offered are for out own sanity and do not permanently affect the alcoholic.
I must share that I am eternally grateful for the many years of sobriety my son found and for the beautiful life he built. Without al anon and AA I would not have that awareness.
You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers
But, I will tell you, as a recovering alcoholic, your message is pretty powerful to hear. It makes me want to stay sober.
As far as not enabling vs. enabling - I look at is as keeping someone alive but in a state that is like half-dead. It's almost worse than death to be trodding along in that still sick and suffering state. Hence, it's not like it would have been better if you kept bailing him out and enabling just so he could live on as an active alcoholic/addict. You tried your best, did everything, and your side of the street is clean. It would have been worse if he died right under your roof after you funded his addiction.
Your message is powerful still. When we stop enabling, we do it for our own sanity. It increases the chance that an alcoholic will choose recovery, but it's a hugely powerful disease and it takes whoever its going to take. From what I was told when I came into AA, only 1 in 20 folks ever recover. I don't know if that's true or if it was a scare tactic, but knowing that - It's basically like my parents had to not enable me, PLUS some miracle of my HP had to happen, PLUS I had to be willing....PLUS a bunch of other stuff I don't even know about had to occur in order to recover.
I hate that some folks recover and some don't. Your message is a powerful one though.
I too have a AS that I'm just starting this journey with. I have enabled for the last 3 years that has now stopped. I love him more than anything else in this world but I couldn't continue to do what I'm doing and just watch him die slowly....and that was what he was doing. I've done it all, great amounts of money and support keeping a roof over his head.
My only path now is to take care of myself and pray to God he will get scared enough, sober enough to realize what is happening to him to seek help and start his own recovery. If not it will be his choice not mine.
I pray my son will be that 1 in 20 pinkchip mentioned.
I would tell your story to families that are going though this and maybe just maybe they will stop the madness sooner and a young A might have a better chance to seek help and live. Spreading the message is our best recovery.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Dear Mobirdie, sincerest & heartfelt condolonces on the loss of your son.
I too lost my son (Oct 27th 2011, he was 34)
I hate this disease so much.
We are still affected and will always be affected.
If my son is referenced in conversation I am currently in the 'Jerry camp'..I simply say 'Im sorry, but I find it too painful to talk about my son'(and when I say this, I speak the absolute truth) and I change the subject. I find this is accepted without question (and probably relief from the other party as death is never an easy subject to talk about)
It is not my place to make other people feel better about my son's death. In Alanon I learned to put first things first and it is a work in progress keeping my health and serenity on an even keel.
If other people have opinions on how I 'handled' my sons disease, they are non-Alanon people who have no understanding of the disease.I listen, dont react and let it gowhat other's think of me is none of my business.
On the other hand if I am asked how I got through the years of hell I mention Al-anon, if I'm further questioned about how it helps I pass on a link to this board and to where a meeting can be found.
The tools I've learned in Al-anon continue to keep me sane!
