The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have a million things going on in my head and realize that i do not even know where to begin. the anger i thought wasn't there is rearing it's very ugly head. the ups and downs of my emotions are going to drive me insane. i thought i saw a light at the end of the tunnel, at least a glimmer but instead was swallowed whole back into the darkness of this disease. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! that is the scream I cannot yell!!!!!! and the tears I cannot cry!!!!!
My A will probably be discharged today from the psych hospital if the lithium levels are at a therapuetic level. He is not going into treatment. Says he doesn't need to!!! He is not coming home, I said he could not. So guess what ---- he found something to be mad at me about. All these months of lying and deceit and it is my fault. I know it is not, I guess I just expected a more rational man - dumb I know. And what I tried to tell him is that his reaction only reinforces my thought that he is not ready for recovery. I think that if he were ready, first of all he would see that he needs to go into treatment and if not, if he thinks there is another means to the end (recovery) that is ok too, but that if he were actually taking that first step, he would understand where I am coming from about not coming home. It is not a punishment, I cannot take the ups and downs, I need a plateau, for me, for the kids and from him. I need him to just be more stable in his recovery and not bring us along for the initial ride. Is that unreasonable???? He sure seems to think it is.
I was so excited yesterday, found out that I can refinance the house on just my income and get some cash out to pay off ALL of my debt. The new payment would be 4 dollars less a month than I am paying now and I would have a much better shot at meeting the regular monthly bills without the debt. We live a two income lifestyle and only one is coming in. He pulled the control card, told me not to waste the lady's time, he needs to think about it. What in the hell is there to think about??? We have bills to pay. He says, "I don't call all the shots" It is not about control, it is about survival. His name would still be on the house, for God's sake it would actually put him in a better position, with no income, he is not a cosigner and would not be responsible for the loan --- didn't tell him that but he is an intelligent man, he can figure that out for himself.
His irrationaly behavior and decisions are making me crazy, the anger I thought was not there is bubbling and I think I might lose my mind. I guess I was better when I has myself convinced he did not think I knew what he was doing so it was only hurting me because I knew, not becuase he was fully aware of the hurt. I guess that doesn't make sense but it is hard to explain. Now I am mad, he knows and is intentionally saying things that will hurt.
Hope you are all starting your Christmas weekend in a better way than me.
Thank you for your words, love and support. I would be totally lost without them.
Hang in there if you read my post you will notice that I haven't had the greatest start either but I am concentrating on me. A bit over the xmas spirit if you get what I mean. Great news that you can stand on your own and re-finance the house especially as the 2nd wage is not coming in now. Noticed that you posted on Jennifer;s note hopefully you will not feel so alone now that someone is experiencing exactly the same thing. Hard enough living with the A without all the other stuff you have at the moment. You are doing the right thing looking after you and the kids first your A is an adult the kids need your stability. Keep your chin up. Luv Leo x
Hve you ever heard the slogan "Fake it 'til you make it"? The way I interpret it, it means act as if you are recovered, even if, inside, the serenity is not there yet. It looks to me as if you are doing a great job of doing just that. You are standing your ground on some very important issues, even if you are consumed with doubt and anger inside. Good for you.
I wouldn't be too surprised that he is directly attacking you now. He is having to face the fact that there really is something wrong here. However, being an A, he CAN'T face that fact. He knows that if he went for treatment, he would have to give up his disease. That, to him, is frankly impossible. He is terrified, is starting to feel backed into a corner. He can't give up his addiction, he can't accept that this is his responsibility, he can't continue on as he has - all this has to be someone's fault, and there is no way he will accept that it is HIS. However, here is a convenient scapegoat, someone to blame the whole mess on - you.
I used to drive myself crazy, trying to find some reason in his behaviour. No one as nice, as reasonable, as intelligent, as he often was, could also be so utterly insane as he was when drunk, or when defending his behaviour. There must be something I was doing, to draw the attacks. It was when I gave up trying to make any sense of it, and started to look at him with the compassion I would feel for any other sick person exhibiting symptoms, things got better for us. When someone with the stomach flu vomits all over you, you don't think "How could you do this to me?". You just make sure to step out of the way next time.
Sounds to me like lin0606 is on the right track. I wouldn't be surprised if he is retaliating now. Can you make a plan to take care of yourself that does not involve his cooperation? Perhaps see an attorney, perhaps bankruptcy? If you can brainstorm some solutions, you will be in a much stronger position to deal with your A's behavior. He will sense in a pretty short time that you are not reacting to the BS.
Thank you for your reply on my post, I wish nobody else in the world had the situation we both seem to be in, but if it has to be then I am grateful that we will not feel so alone. To me when I see that others have the same feelings I do it makes me feel normal ~laughing~
I applaud your decision to protect yourself and children from a topsy turvey holiday and life. In doing so I think I am starting to applaud myself too. Thank you!
Lynn: I can definitely empathize with dealing with other's unilateral decisions. My boyfriend has these decisions to go off and start a business all the time. I am supposed to break my back, my finances and go all the way for him otherwise I am in the way. Now I am firmly getting myself out the way of his craziness and working on my own life and my own issues.
I find it terribly difficult not to jump in and try to help him clean up his messes. At the same time I have enough of my own messes to deal with. Focusing solely on them is time consuming, enraging and sobering. I used my boyfrend's mess to not feel so incompetent.
Just dealing with myown stuff is very very difficult. I get extremely angry at him and make myself sick with it. Detaching is extremely difficult but I have to do it or go under with rage/grief and frustration.
