The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is Jennifer. I'm here tonight doing my best to take care of myself. I'm sitting here alternately feeling sorry for myself, guilty and just plain sad. This year has been unbelievably painful. I lost a dog, a cat, and my blinders that got me through life. My husband is an alcoholic, addict, and earlier this year was diagnosed as bipolar ... and everything that goes along with it. We had a very rough patch this year until the middle of summer when he came to the end of his rope, went to the doctor had medication and started to see life more clearly. So clearly he decided when the perscription ran out he was so well he didn't need it anymore. Well, that brief moment is gone. Just before Thanksgiving our dog had surgery, and has cancer. The blessing is that he has been well enough to stick around through the holidays.
2 days ago I found that the left over pain pills for the dog (from his surgery)had been replaced with other pills, and then found a lie about money. I was so hurt and scared of watching my husband deteriate all over again, I told him I needed a break. And asked if he wanted to leave or if I should ... he did. I don't think I would change that if I could go back but what kind of monster has this made me? It's the holidays, the last days with our dog. Usually by staying connected to my Higher Power I do OK actually great. I've made my plans for the weekend, which is giving myself a much needed vacation from everyone's expectations and am going to do exactly as I want for the next 4 days. But I am scared, feeling rotten, and disgusted with him, myself and life.
Our Higher Power is certainly a powerful being. I certainly so not have much hope or strength right now but experience, well that is something I have. Are you sure you are not ME.. What I can tell you is that you are not alone. My husband is and alcoholic, addict and was just this week diagnosed bipolar. He is being discharged today or tomorrow from the psychiatric hospital his last episode of intoxication and suicidal thoughts landed him in las Wednesday. Only this time he has and answer for everthing, a new label. I am not dimininshing the bipolar diagnosis, i do feel it is accurate, but it is not the only thing going on. I told him he cannot come home. He refuses to go into treatment. I have a 9 year old and a 12 year old son. It is two days before Christmas and I am telling their father he cannot come home. Am I a monster? Well, I could feel that way but I know better. Tough times, tough choices. I can only own mine. What I do know is that I need a break from the ups and downs. The road to recovery or not is his and right now I cannot be a passenger. Please let me off at the next rest stop!!
You are so not alone. As I read your post, my eyes actually bugged out of my head. When I found this site and Alanon, I was amazed at how true it was, we are not alone. And each time I shared something, someone here got it, knew exactly what I meant. But with this new diagnosis, the not home at Christmas etc. I was truly thinking, who in the world could be JUST like me and there you were. WOW.
I will truly be thinking about you and praying for you. Keep your chin up. If you have hit YOUR bottom, you have nowhere to go but up!! Me too, I guess.
What a load you have on your shoulders at the moment and you don't even have your most faithful pets to share it with. It is rotten that your dog has cancer our dog has just been in for the third time to have a lump removed and each time we have been lucky enough that it has been benign. You are not a monster Jen just somone who is at their breaking point and you are choosing your health over yours A's. You deserve that right. Keep posting to us here we are here anytime of day or night. I am really glad that CONFUSED has contacted you as she too has been having a rough time of late. Focus on your needs now and hope you can find something to smile about for Xmas. Luv Leo xx PS Big hug for your dog.
My heart goes out to you during this tough, tough time! The loss of your beloved pets, and having to set a tough boundary with your partner cannot have been easy.
I am also spending this holiday alone (my long-term relationship broke up very recently and this is my first Christmas alone). What's helping me a lot is to get clear on what I want: lots of rest and relaxation and a holiday designed especially with love from me to me
I've outlined my next four days--nothing too rigid, just a plan of sacred holiday rituals and self-care. I thought I would share it here in case a little inspiration would be helpful. Today, I am straightening up the house and putting up white Christmas lights. Tomorrow, I am sleeping in, eating a good breakfast, and going for a special treat--a massage! and then attending a candle-light Christmas eve service. On Christmas, I am going to the movies, and making a special dinner for myself. I'm also attending two f2f meetings this weekend. I am keeping it simple but rich and enriching.
You've had a tough year and you deserve! a wonderfully restful holiday. I hope you take the time to make this event special for the very special person in your life--YOU! Even if that means simply curling up into bed with the most delicious comforter and your dog.
Also, A while back someone posted a reading on "hard calls" that really spoke to me and gave me a way to really appreciate how sometimes I have to make tough choices, and that these choices are tough but not wrong. I post it again here (see below).
HARD CALLS
"Sometimes we make choices with relative ease. One option feels right. We have no negative feelings about the other choice. On some occasions, we may be faced with what one man described as a "hard call".
"I had raised my own children alone," Jason said. "And I did a good job. I enjoyed my independence, but I relished the idea of being in a relationship at some time in my life. .............I met a woman I truly liked. We spent time together, got right up to the edge of being committed, but I had to back off. ......They (her teens) didn't want me in their mother's life. I didn't want to lose this woman. But at a deeper level, I really didn't want to be involved in the teenage years of raising someone else's children. I knew I had to let her go.” he said. It was a hard call."
A hard call is when we don't like either choice, but one option is unacceptable. Hard calls can take many shapes and forms. We may love someone who has a serious drinking problem and simply decide we can't live with him or her---despite how we feel about the person. We may love someone who has physically abused us or displayed signs of violent behavior, while our feelings may be genuine, so is the danger. We can be faced with hard calls at work. At one point I could hardly tolerate my supervisors. But I liked the work I was doing. I decided to stay; I’m still glad I did.
Hard calls are a part of life. They force us to examine our values and determine what's genuinely important to us. The insist that we choose the path that's in our highest good.
God, when I am face with a tough decision, help me be gentle with myself and others as I sort out, with your help, what’s right for me.
Lynn, you and your children will be in my thoughts and prayers too. I am grateful to my HP for sending me searching the web for somewhere to let my feelings out. I wish you all Happy Holidays.
Leo, my dog hugs you back ~laugh~ I'll keep smiling at moments even if I force it just one second at a time. Your line about the load I have on my shoulders for the moment struck somethign in me .... for the moment, just get throught he moment. Thank you and Happy Holidays.
BlueCloud, thank you for making it ok that I am choosing to spend the holidays alone and taking care of me, a little lonely but I know I would be edgy and not happy anywhere else. Home is the place I can find comfort and feel good in right now. This is a hard call I trust my HP will guide me in the direction I am meant to go. Happy Holidays.
In my family of origin, self care was seen as extremely selfish. I remember when I turned 21 being out and celebrating and comign home (I still lived at home then) to my mother and father angry that I did not take their needs into account. They had obsessed for hours on how selfish I was that I did not ahere to their needs. That pretty much summed up my relationship with them. I was supposed to sacrifice me for them. I find myself drawn to men who seem to expect that and I go along with it then re-live some of the rage/grief I have at my parents. Now I am simply being wiling to deal with the grief of my childhood. Why add on some more grief to that. I start to live simply and very intentionally.
Thank you for your kind words. I do have a nice weekend planned, I have dug out my paints and taken out two old depressing self portraits. I am in the process of making them the light pretty paintings I want my life to be. Spending time with my dog and I decided on Christmas I am gonna cook the whole ham my A's mother sent for him for my dog instead because he will appreciate it more ~laugh~
One way or another I will take the time I need and enjoy it as much as possible. A big hug back to you! Thank you.
I'm sorry your family placed such burdens on you. It takes the whole meaning out of the word family. I am blessed with a wonderful family, supportive. When I told them I just wanted to be at home, they were all fine with it. Concerned that I would regret it maybe but more concerned with my being happy. And of course plans can always be changed if I feel the need. When i was younger it was not always the case, my parents were very young and were distant living their own lives when I probably needed them most. As I learned in therapy I do have a high tolerance for being ignored and placed lower on the priority list. I can understand what you mean about choosing men who make you repeat lessons from our youth. It's a new thought for me to ponder on. Thank you.
