The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Great progress cinders! Boundaries set and your sticking to them! Also you expressed yourself clearly and without hate. Said what you meant, meant what you said, and didn't say it mean. Wonderful, so proud of you! The "someday I might want to date you" line, I have heard before by my #2 ex-AH. I didn't go for it either, didn't want to be #572 in a long line of girls he was dating at the time. I had more respect for myself that that. When they are wanting to "blame shift" they look for any excuse they can find when it comes to they didn't want to get married in the first place (have heard that one too). Feel the pain, move through the sadness and on to the other side and Recovery! You'll make it!
Overcome
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 13th of December 2012 02:23:39 PM
-- Edited by Overcome on Thursday 13th of December 2012 02:24:32 PM
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I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
My AH called last night to ask me about divorce papers. He is upset with me because I refuse to let him know where I live. He wants to come by with divorce papers so that they can be signed immediately and submitted. I guess sending me them by mail to a family member takes too long. I stood my ground and would not let him know where I live.
He was cruel and said some very mean things. I felt a need to get some closure and let him say what he needed, telling him often that I would not listen to yelling. I listened and when he was mean, I said that was hurtful, please express yourself without cruelty. The only thing I wanted to know was if he was happy with this decision and if he was able to tell me why he felt that a divorce was his only option. I tried to share where I was emotionally and knew after several attempts that he did not want to know or care to listen to me.
At the end of the conversation, I had cried finally, felt heart broken and yet, found a sense of peace in it. He does not want marriage, never did and feels like I forced it on him. Sure don't recall anyone holding him at that alter by force. He was not tricked in to it, he was not held hostage and he went in to the marriage of his own choosing. He told me that he is not happy and thinks he is making the wrong decisions but that he does not know of any other options because he wants to spend time working on fixing himself. He just firmly believes he has to start with divorce and that he can't fix his life if he is married.
Hearing all of the things he had to say about us, I finally heard what I needed. He has hated his marriage for years and feels the only way he could even stay in a relationship with me is if myself and my 4 children changed to fit what he wanted in life. He does not want to live with kids, does not want to be a stepfather or a husband. Apparently some day, he may consider dating me but that will be the extent of what he is willing to offer. He just kept going, hurting me and it was like the sun came out for me on a very rainy moment and I simply hung up the phone. I set it down and let out a lot of pent up sadness. It was finally over, completely and totally. Right before I hung up the phone I thought to myself, why are you listening to this man, wanting to find a way to make it work with him, when he clearly does not want to be married or be with you. That sun shone very bright on me and I knew I was done. I needed to have some pride and standup for myself. Finally!!! My heart let go.
Today, I will finish unpacking my house, starting with MY bedroom. I am going to set up a haven for myself, where I can relax, spend time rejuvenating and rekindling my soul. Painting a bathroom can wait, I need a spot of my own in this house, something I never got to have in the other home as I kept giving every corner to him to hide in. Today I am going to start the first day of the rest of my life as a woman who will not allow anyone to abuse her emotionally or spiritually.
Hang onto that feeling you have got right now and remember it because it's going to be up and down. I call that a deposit to the emotional savings account time. That's the time I know I have to really hold tight to my program and remember that he really is that crazy and whatever my stinking thinking is in that moment that I can move forward without being sucked in.
There are going to be good days, great days, not so good days and sucky days .. and that's OK. It's ok to be where you are at provided you know it's not going to last. It's a feeling not a fact.
Great job!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Went out with a girlfriend today after she got off work and just visited. It was so nice. Not something I have been really free to do for a while. I always worried that when I got home he would be drunk and then he would be.
I laughed, talked, and just enjoyed a visit free of drama. I know there will be bad days because there have been already, even after feeling strong. I am so glad to see though that they are becoming less and less. Tonight, sitting at home with the kids and enjoying that I got my bedroom almost put together. I am enjoying knowing that when I go to bed tonight, it will be in the room that I am making for me. My space and my peace. How freeing.
I think the disease speaks out such bitterness and misery. I do know the ex A loved his animals but the disease destroyed his relationship with them. He didn't have any ambivalence about loving them. Yet in his addiction he was willing to let go of everything, home, funds, health everything.
I can see the ex a as an ill person now. I can also see that I did not want to see who he really was. Alcoholics/addicts lie all the time. Whatever he is feeling he is not in touch with it if he is using. I also am aware of the alcoholics need for right now. I think it takes tremendous wisdom and self care to resist that.
