I still don't know what Christmas looks like.

Setting boundaries with contact is hard but not impossible. What I find is a good idea is to sit down and ask myself, what ultimately do I need? With my parents it tends to be: I need them to not be in every detail of my life. How do I do that? I share less information, I select the things I'm willing to discuss. If I feel the familiar "digging" going on I find a sentence I can memorize and repeat. "Thank you for your thoughts and input, I will definitely consider them". Do I? If I think they have merit yes, if not, then no. Advice is a gift, we either keep it or not it's up to us.

So before you go into that lions den, arm yourself with your needs, your side of the fence "thinking" and some things you can say that are not confrontational but are known as what we call "conversation enders". These allow us to move the conversation without feeling the need to discuss things we aren't comfortable with.

AND THEN if they say things that are mean, hurtful or harmful - you have the right to LEAVE! No one says you go somewhere and sit and endure it. You simply say "I'm not willing to tolerate the way I'm being treated, I think it's time I go". I have done that! I had a weekend planned at my parents once, they upset me with things they were saying to one of my children and I left! I packed up quietly, I merely said "listen this trip has ended up being stressful for me and I think it's best I go home now". They asked why and I said "I just think it's best I go". What point is there in telling my mom why?

And she learned pretty quickly that I wasn't going to put up with her and for awhile I got the "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells with you". Ok. That's all I said - "OK". It's HER business how she responds to boundaries, not mine.

Kudos to you, and don't beat up on yourself if you make a mistake. I made many and still do. Just keep truckin'!!

 

 

Thanks ((((Working)))) for that share and it reminds me of someof my planning stages in Al-Anon recovery.  I made plans after and with talking with my sponsor and reading our material on the subjects I was concerned about.  One thing I learned was to consider "them" like members in recovery and that it would be good to see them as such.  I learned how to speak my piece starting my part of the conversation with "for me" and then going on.  If I wanted feedback on my piece from "them" I asked for it and listened with an open mind after all the only difference twix them and the program was that they were not in it they were being affected by it from me.  Sometimes I would preface what I had to offer with "in the program or in Al-Anon" and then mention what I had learned not asking for a question or feedback.  My family saw the "new" me and also my determination to rebuild the old me.  I wasn't in recovery because of them...I was in because of me.  Since it was about me changing me and taking over best practice management I was always responsible for my actions and reactions...those were my choices and I got to make the choice after I decided the consequence I wanted...not before. 

I learned acceptance without judgement and how to make it unconditional for them and myself which left me participating without resentments and/or the fear of being unacceptable...just human...just myself.  When I changed me others around me had to change also and I was never told that those around me had a hard time with it.  Actually I got the feeling that my mother recognized the son she always wanted who arrive from inside the program of recovery.  It was magical to me what working the program could do...mind, body, spirit and emotions.

Today I make contact with the full program me and never have to announce myself as special...What you see is what you get...So far so good and getting better.

Mahalo for your share.  ((((hugs))))