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We have allways gone to my sisters house for Christmas Eve. The family hires a santa and the kids just love it. My side of the family allways drinks during this time. My wife has chose not to come this year. She told me she cannot be around alcohol yet. So she will be at her grandparents house with her family while the kids and I continue our tradition. It is real hard for me to do this. I have so much respect and admiration for her for accepting the reality of her addiction. I just don't know what is best for myself and the kids and her. One one hand I feel we should continue with our family tradition. And in the other we are a family all learning to deal with her drinking and reconnect as a family. Shouldn't this time be spent together? I want to let her know that her and the kids are my family. But if I do go with her to her parents house would I be letting her addiction and issues control my actions and the family? I believe both choices are either right or wrong? Any suggestions on where to look for help understanding this critical choice before me.
Thank you all
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
I feel heartened to know that your wife is thinking about her limits and what she can and cannot do to keep her sobriety. I've been in on the "I'll handle it no matter what ... whoops, I got tempted, too bad, I'm drinking again" course of action. Your wife has more awareness than my husband ever did. (PS He is still drinking.)
Maybe one way to look at it would be: what if she had terrible peanut allergies, and they were serving peanuts at your family Christmas? She'd be right not to go, that would be clear, wouldn't it?
Al-Anon suggests that we not invest more in getting them sober than they do. It sounds as if your wife is invested in staying sober. That sounds like something to be supported to me. Enabling drinking is another matter, of course. Enabling sobriety seems different in my book.
I wonder if you are feeling a bit angry that your plans have to be shifted because of this circumstance. We all are (justifiably) angry at what this disease has put us through over the years. Sometimes it's hard to know when our decisions are taking care of ourselves and when they're surreptious punishment for the drinker.
I don't know if the kids can just go for a while or you can drop them off or you want to go whole hog or whatever. One thing I know is that kids will thrive more from a mom that stays sober than from a Santa.
I hope you have a wonderful and joyous holiday, whatever you decide.
Tough choice, and this time of the year always is anyways for the spouses of alcoholics. There are so many more situations this time of year that center around alcohol. I don't want to sound callous about it since it is Christmas. I have always thought of this time of year as for the kids. They get more enjoyment out of it. But maybe try to think of it as just another day. This Christmas will come and go, but the set back your spouse may have could last much longer. Just some things to think about.
Thank you, Mattie and hdftby. This gives me a couple new things to think about and consider. I know that there is a little anger and resentment about our plans/traditions being changed. Another thing that I din't mention is when ever we have a family gathering where she isn't present the conversation always ends up about her. I have had a few family disputes and have chose to stand up for her when she isn't around. My three sisters have always been jelouse of her and her beauty/figure. Her drinking is just another nich that they can focus on to make themselves feel better. Maybe it is my own fear that I want to avoid my family. Maybe i'm looking for excuses not to go??? I hope not. I don't think I need excuses any more if I want to go I will go, If I don't I would like to think that I have the streagth to just not go. Probably not yet. Still ridding that merry go round in my head......?
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
It kind of sounds like maybe you need to think about your own motives for not wanting to go or wanting to go.
As far as the conversation turning to her you can defend her by not becoming defensive and choosing not to discuss it. Deflection is a great way to skate around those kinds of things .. wow aunt molly did you get your hair done it looks great! Whatever it needs to be .. and just keep redirecting the conversation instead of focusing on her not being there focus on the good she is doing for herself. We all are responsible for taking care of ourselves, so if taking care of herself and her sobriety means skipping out on the family event let it be a bye gone. There are going to be lots of changes in what it means to your family when it comes to family traditions and that really doesn't have to be a bad thing.
This is going to be a new year for me as well, the kids will be at their dads for a short time during Christmas and of course they are going to HIS family's. Of course THIS family doesn't know about the DUI and all of what went down during the past many years so it will be all MY fault we didn't attend their events .. LOL. Never mind what he has said about them .. good grief .. I'm just kind of having a dark fantasy moment. LOL .. so not a good thing.
The reality is .. it's all going to pass .. it's not going to be Christmas every day and my kids will be home soon enough after that event.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I don't know the specifics and don't need them, but would it be an option to ask another family member to watch over the kids, and THEY go? Maybe a middle ground? Obviously there will be cases this just is not possible but it was a thought.
Another thought is to start your own family tradition there at your house on a different day/time, something special so you have a new tradition going forward to share with her and she won't feel excluded. Might be a white elephant with friends (and be clear it's a non-alcoholic white elephant) or a dinner party or there are millions of ideas. But you would still go with family.
On the questions about her shorter responses tend to be the best for me. "I appreciate your concern and she/he is doing wonderfully, I will make sure she/he knows you were interested in their well being". Can be anything you wish to say but bottom line is "she's fine, thanks for asking" and that might be good too?
Difficult decision and I think in this case neither option is wrong. It's a case of needing to be in two places at once :(
Personally, I give your wife a high 5 for not wanting to be around the drinking - even if it is just social drinking for others it may be a deal-breaker for her. I don't see where going with the wife to the G'parents house is letting her addiction control you - you are a COUPLE and participating in sober-activity together can be very rewarding. That said, if you feel it's important for the kids to keep with the family tradition, it is feasible to do both? Make an appearance at the G'parents house with wife & kids for a while then take the kids to the other party and reconnect with the wife later?
My A son has a similar situation: he often hires a friend of ours for some day labor work, this friend being an active A, always wants to stop for a beer purchase after work (he rides with my son) and my son told me that this was uncomfortable for him since he is fighting to maintain his own sobriety. My response to this is that he MUST do what he feels he needs to do - putting his own needs ahead of the friendship. So, he has started using other day-laborers most of the time and he is able to come straight home from work without stopping at the liq store. The other day-laborers manage to get themselves to the job site where the 1st friend needs to be picked up because he lost his drivers license yrs ago.
I'm a recovering A and Addict - I have no problem being around some social drinking but I will not be around active drug users - my life & well-being are too important to me to put myself in a possibly tempting situation...if that makes any sense.
Thank you all for giving me ideas and view points. I have made my decision. Once I sat down and prayed and thought about what Christmas means to me and what my family means to me it was ended up a very easy choice and I din't feel any remorse or regret about it. My wife myself and my children will spend Christams eve with my wife as a family at her grandparents house. The deciding factor was WE are a family SHE is our family. While her disease has screwed up many things in our life I don't feel it should screw up that we are a family that loves each other. We want to be together and we deserve to be together, Chistams eve, Christmas day and every other day that we can and wish to be together.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
