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Why is it that every time I see him under the influence, I feel the need to point it out to him. Of course he only denies it and then we end up in a fight. I know there's no reason for me to point it out, I guess I just really want him to know that he's not getting away with anything...that I know. I realize it's really stupid of me, but I still cannot help myself!
The other day when he went out in the middle of the night to hang with his "friends" I went through all of his things and really pissed him off. Of course since that night we have been fighting and arguing and and he turned the whole thing around on me because I "invaded his privacy."
I just wanted to know what was going on because for a while he had really improved and lately he was acting drunk and/or drugged again and I just wanted proof that I was going crazy. I know...stupid again!
I guess it's time to get back into the program and help myself. I just don't know how much longer I can live with an alcoholic.
Any words of wisdom or advice are welcomed and appreciated. Really it would also feel good to know that I am not the only one out there who does these things and feels this way.
I go through the same thing up until recently. I have started to think twice before I say a thing.
This evening was a good example. My son got a simple job to do today from a AA friend picking up trash off his property he is trying to sell. I got the call from my son very upset he lost his keys somewhere and he was scared. I had an extra set so I went to give them to him. Well just as I got there he called to say he found them.....geez......45 miles away I told him I was almost there so just wait so I could say hello. WELL....when I got there he was his eyes were half shut and he was talking a little slow to me. I know the signs...and he was definitely under the influence of alcohol or Valium. He has Valium for seizures when he's coming off alcohol. I hate when he takes these drugs...but he says he HAS to take them...if its not alcohol it's prescription drugs.
Well I didn't say a word just gave him a hug and wished him well getting home. I didn't smell alcohol so I think it was the drug.....he will start abusing them too I guess. I think he knew because when I looked at him he said "WHAT" that's a clear sign of I didn't take anything mom.... right. I find I don't really need to say a thing anymore. He will try to engage me with things like " What...I didn't drink...I didn't do anything wrong....I'm being a good boy. Geez he's 35 years old.
He should never be driving when under the influence of anything but you can't tell them a thing. I just pray he doesn't hurt anyone.
Ask yourself what is the motive for you to prove to him he was drinking. What good will it do for you. It will only make you crazy like me.. :)
Let go and let God
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I never wanted to surrender and admit I needed meetings or alanon support. I thought I could do this all by myself. I was wrong because I inevitably ended up doing exactly what you are doing.
Alanon is a we program. We cannot do this alone. We need the support of those who are walking the same road . Living one day at a time, focused on ourselves trusting HP works. Support from alanon members is crucial
Please keep attending meetings, work the steps with a sponsor and these old behaviors will lift and be replaced by constructive actions
Thanks so much for the response, Cathy. It is very comforting to know I am not the only one who does the things I do. I am just so tired of allowing him to make me second guess myself by telling me I am crazy and wrong all the time.
I think my next step is to try to create boundaries. This is so hard to do with a husband. I have two children who adore their daddy...although my oldest who is 12 has said on several occasions that she just wishes I would divorce him. My son who is two years younger says he will die if we divorce. I have tried and tried. We tried marriage counseling, but he only went to two sessions and then I kept going on my own only to have the counselor tell me to go see a divorce lawyer(which I did).
I guess I am just feeling very desperate tonight. You know how it goes....you have a few good weeks or days and then BOOM...the ball drops and you are right back where you were before, or worse.
At some point I have to say enough's enough. I just don't know when that will be. Everyone always says I will know when I need to end it, but I have thought that I have known a few times now only to turn right back around and change my mind.
I too, am an enabler in the fact that I will have a glass of wine at night before bed...at least I think that's enabling. I tried keeping all alcohol out of the house but he was still drinking, so I figured why should I give it up? I just have one a couple of nights a week before bed.
Anyway, thanks for allowing me a place to vent and for posting a reply for my sanity.
Thanks Hotrod! Yes, I need to get back to some ftf meetings. I was so naive to think when things got a little better that all of our problems were behind us!
When you talked about not keeping alcohol at home - I remember doing that too. One night in frustration I thought why do I do anything? It has no effect on his behavior. I thought this as if my behavior (or thoughts) should effect someone else's. Ha! Then I understood of course whatever I did was not powerful enough to change anyone else's behavior. It shouldn't.
That realization helped me spend more effort on myself, on what I want and how I can make it happen. I still slide, but for the most part this reduces my frustration and anxiety.
Aloha imom...maybe looking at it from a slightly different angle might bring a better perception...Change "i can't stop" to "I won't stop" and see how that fits. Actually you can stop cause you have all the tools we have when we stopped and then we did because we could. Try looking at it that way. (my actual experience with my sponsor). (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for telling on yourself. Even after lots of years in this program, the temptation to get information covertly can still come up for me at times. We're human. Great you have the awareness that you don't need to drive yourself insane with an unhealthy behavior like snooping and calling him on it. You're already in the program and you know where meetings are and plan to go back. It's very frustrusting and infuriating at times living with someone who continues to drink. I use to think to not call the ex on it was to give my power away to him, that he would think he was getting over on me. Of course I gave my power away by making his choices my obsession. Yep, back to meetings I went! As far as not knowing how much longer you can live with an alcoholic, leaving didn't make me less than someone who didn't leave their alcoholic. For me not choosing myself for a long time made me less than the person my higher power wanted me to be. It's a very personal choice whether to stay or go but ultimately, the best relationship I've ever had is the one I finally began with myself thanks to this program. I hope you find a great meeting, keep coming back. Hugs. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I used to do this all the time. I totally wanted him to know he wasn't getting ANYTHING over on me.
Then I started thinking...why is that important to me? and (here's some step 4 fodder) -- when I did that, I felt that I was better than him. Yep, it's true. There was a grain of truth in him calling me "Mrs. High and Mighty" -- so there was a payoff for me, "catching him" ...and then we would fight...he would deny...and the crazy carousel would continue.
I think if we were still together, I'd still be doing it, honestly. It is a tough cycle to break.
The disease turned me into a person I did not want to be. His disease triggered mine. it took lots of face to face meetings to help me remember what sanity looked like. I'm glad to read that you're going back ((hugs))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I know exactly what you mean. When I'm being good I say things like live and let live. Hands off, mind my own business. It's really hard though because sometimes I get fearful that bad things will creep up on me and il be surprised because I don't know what's going on. However, when I do know I get involved and save people from consequenses which ultimately leads to disaster. Vicious cycle.
Something for me I found to be true was I really wanted that confirmation that it was true .. I wasn't crazy it was him. The lying is really what puts me up and over .. this weekend he actually told the kids he couldn't go to the music store to get my daughter reeds for her instrument because it was closed. Umm .. yes .. ok .. the music store is closed on a saturday at 1pm during the holiday season .. umm .. SERIOULY?! I wanted to point that out soooo bad and I did not however it was hard not to. Even the kids looked at me and rolled their eyes as they said it. I thought UGH .. now what. This is the same man who insists he doesn't lie to HIS children .. I'm starting to wonder if I actually had an affair with the milk man and didn't know it!! After in his mind these aren't his kids.
I had a point to that crazy story .. oh yes, .. I know what I know and I have to trust and believe what I see and resist the urge to be right. (Even though I KNOW I am!! :)) Yes, there are a million and one things I can say by route and KNOW that is how the program works however putting the rubber to the pavement on my own program reminds me how far I have to go!! Oh sure draw a boundary .. well .. for me good luck with that at times .. was that just me who booted their program out a second story window? Whooopppsss .. yup I did that! Now how often to I need to admit I'm wrong? LOL?!
Keep coming back it gets better!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are not alone, your story is a lot like mine. I have 2 little girls who love their alcoholic father. I too searched through his things all the time bc I knew I WAS NOT CRAZY!! It took a long time to get to where we are today and we are far from perfect. Dealing with this disease is a day to day life and it is the hardest thing I think all of us on this board have had to deal with. I found that I had to set firm boundaries and I still after 2 times of my husband going through rehab have trouble of getting run over n my boundairies. I've found that going away from the obvious problem has helped me. If my husbands drunk I stay away, if he's yelling irrationally...i go away. Go do something for yourself when things aren't going well. take your mind off it, go to Al-anon, I lose sight of that frequently but when I take time for myself my sanity returns. Good luck to you ((hugs))
Someone once told me "why ask a question when you already know the answer." It was a very profound moment for me. I would ask my AH was drinking and he would say no. That went on for many years. I wanted the truth. Alcoholics lie. Until I understood that, it kept repeating itself. Smelling his breath, looking at Emails, text messages. I also looked at a receipt one night to see when he was at a store to figure out a timeline! Drove myself crazy.
Don't worry, we've all been through it, but reading these posts, reading my AlAnon literature, One Day at a Time, and Courage to Change are so helpful.
Thank you all so much for your replies. I am relieved, but also sad, that we all have so much in common. I had a good day by not even bringing anything up with him today and he acted as though nothing had happened (shocker!) I am just going to do my best to go about my business and try to remind myself to let him be. Thanks again everyone! This activeboard is so comforting.
