The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
there are a million reasons why an A is grumpy or irritable...and putting it on you...mine used to call me "Mrs. High and Mighty"... and this served a purpose for him. As long as he painted my expectations as unreasonable, and me as unreasonable he didn't have to do anything....
I once posted here that often, when you go to the zoo, you find that the primates throw poop to get people to stop looking at them. That is a metaphor that holds true for the A. They throw poop around to keep people from looking and seeing the real problem...them.
I try to remember to not expect my A (now my ex) to think rationally...because he can't.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 09:41:57 AM
-- Edited by rehprof on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 09:46:26 AM
I see that you are trying hard to understand the disease. Your husband could certainly use your not drinking with him as a reason for being angry with you. If you began the relationship as a drinking partner and now have changed he could see that as a threat. Love the idea of the zoo animals distracting people.
Know that this is a disease over which we are powerless. Before alanon one of my very destructive tools was to understand "why" so that I could change and fix the situation and make it better. I hurt myself and abandoned my principles very often because I did just that.
Alanon respects the power of this disease and understands that we who live with it need a program of recovery just as the alcoholic needs.
Please turn the focus around to your own physical and mental health, and needs. Live one day at a time and join us in the meeting room You are not alone
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 09:45:04 AM
It is threatening to the alcoholic when people stop making it look normal and good, suddenly people aren't supportive and that just feels uncomfortable. Naturally the others are the "bad guy" especially if they have "changed" and "turned on you" (disease of perception.)
the disease needs enablers to keep it alive. when I stopped enabling, he found drinking buddies elsewhere.
but think about it, it's rather human for us to look for people who support what we want, for validation that we're okay. from friends to doctors, we will continue to look for someone who will agree with us, it makes life more comfortable when we don't have to doubt ourselves. It takes a strong sense of self to stand alone and be okay with it. My goal in this program is to recover my self-esteem, I had lost myself in his disease, just let myself disappear, doing the things I thought I needed to do just so he would love me. I don't wanna do that anymore and I cannot begin to convey with words the gratitude I feel toward al-anon for helping me to do this.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 11th of December 2012 03:57:16 PM
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I think I put this as my own statement in a post yesterday, but I am sitting here wondering if he feels threatened because I have not been drinking with him and more and more time is going by. Does it make him feel like I am judging him or he has failed. He has been making digs that I think I am better than other people and various other comments for no reason.
I said that I would sit one night on a weekend and drink beer with him, always seems like it made us closer for days following. I see it was sick now. I drank with friends in the summer a few times only to have a two day hangover and said ok not worth it. But, now the occasional partying has stopped and I have recently flat out said I am not drinking anymore. Unless it is a social drink out somewhere once a year or something. See what I am getting at. Is this common? I know every relationship is different.
Remember, you having a drink or not is about YOU. His drinking or not is about HIM. One of the best sayings I have heard on here has been this: "The alcoholic drinks, what did you expect? What are YOU going to do?" You don't have any influence on whether he drinks or not, so why should he have that amount of control over you? You don't cause him to drink, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. Keep coming back.
Thank you all for your replies they all made perfect sense to me. I guess I am just trying to figure out why things are worse with him. Guess I will never know. I used to let him blame me, I used to be really broken. I in the recent years have became stronger and have a voice and he hates that. I do not sit and cry and down myself and run around with my head cut off to keep him happy. Those days have been gone the last few years. I just think the relationship is so different now, the kids are grown and I am about me. Don't get me wrong I get into depressions over living this life with him and all the years past baggage rear its ugly head. Been in therapy and working on it. There is A LOT of baggage to go through, not helping he just now but a new carry on on the pile. But, I will continue to get better and he will continue to not like it. Oh well. At the end of the day, I really can not see staying the rest of my life and being all the way healed. This may sound rude, but some days I feel I am above him in some ways and deserve so much better and know I can get it. Sure he picks up on this also. But, that feeling comes from getting my self respect back little by little.
Karren Aloha, remember to separate the alcohol from the person and that supports hating the disease and not the significant other. They are sick...not bad. That was one of the first things I worked on in the program and my love for my alcoholic/addict came back while she did not. When I quit drinking with her (which was such a bummer and no fun at all) there were thousands of others to take my place in line. I arrived at what you arrived at...I'm done!! With little or no effort she didn't even look around to see if I was following at a distance and she kept moving on ...bar to bar, guy to guy, any place and person who had a drink or fix for her...I loved her still because that is what I am supposed to do without condition for every other human being on the planet. Look in the mirror and say..."I love you"and then smile.
Thank you Jerry. After all that has went on the last few days, there has been no effert to fix us. He brought home a six pack last night and then left to go to a nephews around the neighborhood and stayed out until 11:15 this is not him. This is the 14 yrs ago him. Some other things went on that amazed me last evening . Not one word was exchanged between us. I think maybe he is really done too. Which leaves me going to a shelter with my special needs daughter so I can get some help. No help if I stay under the same roof. Also no divorce if not away from each other completely for a year in this state. So.........we have to live at the bottom of the food chain to rise up to live at a little higher level at the end all because of the horrible disease. In the end though, I will not be living within the disease completely anymore.
