The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I'm up late stressing out. There is an empty bottle of Captain Morgan's on the counter and another one thats just over half full. They are the big ones, 1.75 liters. They go through about 4 of those a week. This is really hard for me to just admit that there may be an issue here. It would be so much easier to just keep blocking it out.
I have noticed that I am the most annoyed with my mother when she is drinking. I have also noticed that when she is beligerant its only when she's drunk. She's also really passive aggressive. I think what bothers me most is that I can see myself in her. Angry, passive aggressive, depressed, manipulative, demanding and ungrateful.
I make excuses for their drinking. I'm not exactly sure why. I think "how can anyone expect that someone in their position wouldn't drink". Maybe by letting them off the hook I am letting myself off the hook.
I am not an alcoholic but I feel like I don't function much better than they do.
I am definitely with you. What makes it worse for me is sitting there "stewing" (for lack of a better term) about the drinking on the inside but putting on the act on the outside. Such a hard struggle. I am having one of those mornings as well. I so badly want to tell my wife "Why do you do this? Do you really think the attempts you are making at hiding the alcohol consumption from me is working? How stupid do you think I am?"
I don't necessarily make excuses for it. My downfall is I question myself and think "Well, it is only wine and it is only at night at home" which leads me to wonder if this whole thing is manifesting itself inside of me and there is not a problem.
You're not alone. For me, these habits die hard- it seems like I'm forever working on acceptance and focusing on things that I can change. I know when I can't pull this off, I get pulled apart. Living with insanity makes me feel insane.
I spent years avoiding and rationalizing in hopes that a miracle would come and turn the tide. Many years were spent living what felt like a double life, walking on eggshells, maximum stress and worry...having a death grip on things, things having a death grip on me... The whole time thinking I was fine. I kept hoping for things to hang in there without worsening for just a little bit longer.
I still catch myself trying to make sense of things, and hopefully, I'm becoming better at not going there- it just wastes time and energy. Someone recently pointed out to me that anger and worry in itself is an attempt at trying to control things beyond my control, and, also derails the focus from myself. Something I now keep in mind as I continue to detach and work the program.
I return again and again to Alanon and my HP for the support and miracles that are needed.
