Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Does a mother's heart every stop breaking?
Post Info TOPIC: Does a mother's heart every stop breaking?
bmom


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Does a mother's heart every stop breaking?
Permalink  

Hello,

I'm bmom, which stands for the first letter of my AS's name and me being his mom.  This is my first post and honestly, I'm so broken right now that words fail me...but I know they will come and I will share more.  My AS is 28 years-old and says he is going to an AA meeting this Wednesday.  I say, "I'll believe it when I see it".  The latest binge, according to his wife, involved him passing out and hitting his head on their coffee table.  My daughter-in-law saw the pattern and decided to video him with her phone.  She tried showing it to him the next day, but he couldn't finish watching it.  I think my son's biggest struggle in seeking help is that he goes 2 to 3 weeks without drinking, then he convinces himself that he can enjoy a couple of drinks...and he says the first few are enjoyable.  But before he knows it...he is waking up the next morning with little memory of what when he passed out.  I'm not sure if this matters, but he doesn't drink beer but rather liquor.  He feels horrible the next day...physically, emotionally, mentally and has bad panic attacks for several days if he doesn't continue to drink... and thinks he will never do it again.  A few weeks later, the cycle begins again.  He thinks because he doesn't drink every day, 24/7, that he doesn't suffer from the disease..alcoholism.  However, he seems to be at the end of his rope this time. 

My mother's heart is broken...and when I think it cannot hurt anymore...it does! I'm very sure everyone reading this post can relate.  I love him so much and the thought of him drinking until he passes out, just breaks my heart!

I hope it's okay to vent my feelings on the board and that I haven't broken any forum rules.  I just really needed to get this out and I promise my posts will be more positive in the future.

Thanks for being here everyone!

bmom



__________________

The Definition of Insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over...and expecting to get different results"!
StargazerLily


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 62
Date:
Permalink  

This is a great place to share. It helps you sort through your thoughts.



__________________

Lily
Auntyaya


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 113
Date:
Permalink  

Dear bmom-Your pain is shared by all of us who love addicts. Your son is in deep denial and unfortunately there is not much you can do about that. He will not get help until he decided to face the truth of his life and take steps to change it.I would encourage both you and your daughter in law to go to AlAnon....you cannot help or change him, but Al Anon will teach you how to help yourself deal with this sad disease.

The 3 C's are very powerful tenants of AlAnon..you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Your son's future lies in his hands...but AlAnon will help you maintain your own equilibrium.I wish you well... 



__________________
LeenieBeanie


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 197
Date:
Permalink  

((BMom))

I truly do understand how your heart is breaking watching your son destroy himself. This is a horiffic, progressive disease. Our 31 yr old daughter is in the same alcoholic stupor for years. It was only 3 years ago I found Al Anon and was able to learn about this progressive disease and our (me and husband) part in the continuing drama. I second Auntyaya - glad you have found these boards and I strongly urge you to get to a face to face meeting.  If you don't like one meeting, keep looking till you find one where you will click. Trust me, with a sponsor, meetings and the literature, your walk with this pain will be easier to bear.

Wishing you all the best.....



__________________

If God is your Co Pilot, change seats.
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:
Permalink  

Dear bmom
 
Welcome to Miracles in Progress
 
I hear you and am so sorry that you are in this pain. I would just like to second all that has been shared with you by other MIP members. I too am so glad that you found us and had the courage to share your heart.
 
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Alanon is a fellowship of men and women who live or have lived with the problem of alcoholism. We hold Face to Face meetings in most communities , At these meetings we break the isolation caused by alcoholism and share our experience, strength and hope in order to solve our common problems. You can find meetings by going to the following web site http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html.
 
You are not alone . Although we cannot stop the alcoholic,  we can find tools that will enable us to live with courage and serenity . Keep coming back here There is hope


__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Magster


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 9
Date:
Permalink  

I was feeling just like you two months ago--my son had the same MO and I had the same desperation.  I had a recovering alcoholic tell me I was co-dependent. That made me feel like I belonged on Dr. Phil so I decided to change my behaviors. I went to the library and checked out Al-Anon's books which turned on a light bulb for me about my enabling and co-dependent behaviors. I realized that I had enabled my kids for years in many ways, not just with alcohol. This particular 'son' had been my foster son and had a horrendous youth which I was trying to 'fix' even thought he is now 21. Then I did more online research and found this discussion page which really helps. I would also encourage you to attend some Al Anon groups in your community.

I bucked up and told him he couldn't come home unless he was clean. He was angry and tried all sorts of manipulation as he had done for years. Once I changed my behaviors, his improved. He still wants the focus to be on him but now my focus is on me--my rules, my schedule, my money being unaccessible to him. I have removed myself from his alcoholism except to provide rides to AA and listening. My mind is now at peace and his problems are not my problems to solve. Once he realized that I wasn't going to roll over to his threats, he went into rehab and got clean. He has been sober two months and two weeks and he is more successful at school and personal life than I have ever seen him. And I am empowered too.

Educate yourself about co-dependency and you will find peace within. You can only change yourself, not him. I know this sounds crazy from where you are right now, but I was there Oct. 1 and felt confident by the end of the month. When I hit a stumbling block, I've found that this page and others like it give me support and fresh ideas. Bookmark it!



__________________

Magster
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

I hope so. I'm also trying to stop enabling and I have told my 19 yr old he must move out. He is a problem drinker and he is in denial about this. I have learned that I have not helped in any way. I need to focus on me and my 15 yr old. I will support my son with boundaries but I need to get back to a normal life and step away from his self made dramas. I love the fact my son also has a higher power. This offers hope and peace.

__________________
Cathyinaz


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3026
Date:
Permalink  

I also have a AS that I have enabled for the last 4 years and it has been heartbreaking to see him destroy himself. I have stopped all that help. I'm still struggling with this but for the time I have been on this board and going to Al-anon I have gained great tools and started taking care of me. It's still very hard because I have done my enabling for so long it's not easy to let go. But I have....... All I can do it take it day by day. Like you I love him so much and you want to do anything in your power to help BUT.....you can't help. Only your son can help himself if he chooses.

Seek out Al-anon and there will be so many good people to help ....so you will not be alone.

The pain is hard to bare but you can find the courage and happiness you deserve.

I know if I change maybe it will help him

" Getting them Sober" very good book that you and your daughter-in-law should read. It helps me every day...I read it over and over.

Take care and you are in our prayers..
Cathy



__________________

 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
bmom


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 2
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks to all of your loving support and words of encouragement! I've attended two online Al-Anon meetings...ladt night and this morning and I already feel encouraged. I also purchased the digital version of " Getting Them Sober" today... one for my daughter-in-law and one for me! I will be posting more later..... Blessings

__________________

The Definition of Insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over...and expecting to get different results"!
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Does a mother's heart every stop breaking?