The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I reconnected with my teenage sweetheart, I thought the fact that he was in AA was refreshing after being with an active alcoholic (in denial) for 25 years. He's very enlightened and spiritual, and it seemed like our lives mirrored each others in so many ways. So, I moved in with him...with my two daughters, and his son. The first several months were bliss, although the remnants of my former relationship continues to be hellish in many ways. Both of us have ex's to deal with, legal battles, etc. that have added unexpected stress and expenses to our lives. Over the past several months now, there has been increasing episodes of drama - things that seem like nothing to me get blown up completely out of proportion, he can be so cruel, and usually ends up with him asking me to move out. At first, I was shocked and distraught, after just moving our children in together, to be disrupting their lives again so soon. But then every time, within about 12 hours, he says he didn't mean it...although each time it happens it seems more real, and I get more prepared to move on without him. I am here looking for help as a last resort. He mentioned I should have gone to Al-Anon when I was with my ex. I'm not sure it would have solved all our problems. And I'm not sure whether I should be saving this relationship either. But I have loved this man since I was 13 years old and know he has so much goodness to offer, it just seems such a shame to lose it all. What I read so far in the forums about recovering alcoholics seems to depict him accurately - these episodes he has where he is not himself at all. And I react...and it gets worse. How do I not react? How do I get through this part of my life, even if it is not meant to last? Is there any hope for him and I to make this work? Please, any help or advice is welcome...
There can and could be all kinds of reason for what is going on and one being that he has come to the realization that having you move in was not a good choice on his part. Another could be that he is in a spiritual program of change...mind, mood, spirit and emotions and you are not...the differences do count believe me. He could be finding you a threat to his regulated (steps and traditions) life and feeling strained. It could be that suddenly changing his life from 2 people to now 5 people is freaking him out. He gave you a hint about having attended Al-Anon in the past before you two remet and the way you put it if that is accurate sounds like a possible resentment which could explain his anger. I suggesting that you read the situation in high contrast and do the next right thing. The reactions are not only confusing and scary for you and consider your daughters. Being a member of AA myself I can say that the program is about helping me to keep my alcoholism inert, asleep, in a coma and not very much like my Al-Anon program which is about learning how to set and get direction for my own life and to learn how to not give it away for anyone elses sake because I "need" to be in a relationship. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic...dry or wet and often sober without outside direction is not recommended...they don't have the alcohol and they often do have the "isms". Check out the Al-Anon meetings in your are by looking for the hot line number in the white pages of your local telephone book...they will also have information on any Alateen meetings. A rental agent can give you information on available apartments. So sorry you're getting new pain. (((((hugs)))))
Hi Rosieee,
I too am a newbie to this site and I can totally relate to what you say, I too got together with my childhood 'crush' after 30 years of not seeing him.....he has been sober for 19 years now....very well done to him BUT just as he's now sober does not mean he's perfect.....far from it! My stepdad is a very poorly drinker and is still in denial after being on his death bed more times than I can think of! There is no difference between my 'crush' and my stepdad....apart from one still drinks! There behaviour is the same, the attitude the same, the self centred ness, moods, thinking all there problems are cursed by others......I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. I have now for mine and my daughters sanity had to end my relationship as I've seen my Mum suffer for years and I did not want to put my daughter through that and to be honest I was being made to think I was losing the plot. I think my ex saw me as a good stable solid person who would put up with anything as i love my stepdad dearly and will be there for him no matter what....unfortunatley the egg shells we were treading on in my own home got too much to bear! I hope you work out what to do for the best for yourself and your family, no one can choose what you can do.....either way it's not going to be easy....I feel your pain and take care of yourselves
Thank you both, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. Very helpful to know there's people who have been through similar situations, and to hear your thoughts. I'm just processing, kind of feel in shock after thinking I was in the relationship I had dreamed of for so long. It's gonna take some strength and ingenuity for me to get through this...
I thought I was in my ideal relationship too.....wow....someone who doesn't drink and will always be there for you....unfortunatley things don't work out like that as lots of issues still need to be addressed, I hope you get the strength you need to work things out to make yourself happy in life and your family, I have only just joined this site and have found it so good I hear other people's stories
When I started reading your post, I thought you were writing about my life. It made me register on this site. I too felt the exact same way, I had found this refreshing, openly spiritual man to share my life with. I thought moving in with my pre-teen son was the best thing that had happened to me in a very long time. It was great for a few months, but now a year and a half later I am struggling to see why I am holding on. With every tiny disagreement, he threatens to move out. The names he's called me when mad are way worse than anything my ex husband ever called me, and we went through a divorce. When he says sorry, I hear from him that he's working on his character defects. I almost feel like being an alcoholic is his excuse for meaness. I miss the compassionate, open man that I moved in with. Every day I pray for God to make me a better person today than I was yesterday. Hoping if I concentrate on myself the answers will come. Thanks for your post, nice to know I'm not alone.
