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You Know, Even after 4yrs of Recovery, this Disease of Addictions STILL Gets to me! Its Amazing how a Weekend Full of Hope & Happiness Can all be over shadowed by the Disease of Addictions... I'm Just Sick to Death of the Ones I love Leaving this World so Young...
This Young Man...33 Use to stay with us when he was Younger... He was Best friends at the time with my Little Brother, and his Home Life was even worse then Ours... So Mom Allowed him to stay as Often & as Much as he liked... "He Liked Alot!" I have Mentioned on here over the Summer that I had sat & talked to a young man about his addictions (Pain Pills & Herion, Mixed with Alcohol Of Course!) He was Bruitily Honest in what he felt he has done wrong in his life, and told me Flat out, He just can't ever seem to get there... He said he wanted to be a better Person for his (4) kids, but everytime he would get to were he thought he was seeing the light, Something... Or Someone... Would come and all that would change...
He was Raised by a Drug Dealing Drunk Father, and a Mom that Took beating from him on a Regular basis... And My Heart has Always been open to help him! Wether Young or old, I just always Wanted to wrap my Arms around him and See his Big Smile... His Heart was True, but his Addictions ran his life...
His Journey down this road all began by way of a Car Wreck... And he told me that in the beginning he blamed the Doctor's for giving him Pain Killers, and Making it so hard for him to let them go.. And because he didn't have insurance to pay the doctors' he then began buying them off the street, when he could... And when that wasn't enough, he was turned onto another Fast Growing... And Even Faster Killing Drug Herion...
The Thing that Breaks my Heart the Most is I think I still feel like a Should have done more to guide him! I have been in this program long enough to know that it had Nothing at all to do with me! But the Pain of Losing him, and leaving 4 children without a Dad, Just Kills me! He was Openly Wanting to seek help, and many that have seeked help know that in some family's it is a Sign of Weakness to actually go out & ask for it, and this sadly is what he believed, He tried many times to do it on his own, and he just couldn't get there...I did Make him aware of it, and I did tell him if he EVER needed a hand in finding it, I would go with him! And we would go it together... That is How much I So Wanted him to Find His Purpose...
I have Cried since I Found Out yesterday Morning that he was found Hanging in his Garage... And I wish I could say I was Alone in my Hurt, but My Mom, Sister, Brother, and My Step Son, All loved him as Well, and my Step Son Just this Summer Sat down with me at camp one day and said... "I WILL Get him Off this Sh$t..." to which I told him (Also an alcoholic) It was Not His Job to SAVE our Friend, but its Wonderful that he supports him thru it! Well Now he is Laying all this on himself because before this young man took his life, He called my step son 1st! And My Stepson didn't get the message till it was too late! My Family is Once again in Mourning Over the Loss of a Loved one, and AGAIN... Too the Disease of Addictions! It Sickens Me to know end that this Battle Must just keep goin on & on & on again...
My step son who Lost his mom to suicide when he was 18, and since then at last count 6 of his friends in 10yrs to suicide, and around that many more to Drunk Driving... All of Which he Grew up with, went to school, or Lived beside... He Shuts down completely and I worry about him, because as Mentioned he is an alcoholic, and well... Us Alcoholics Know how we deal with pain...We Look for it in the bottom of that Bottle & In Greiving times, Really dont care to come out of it! This Boy ment the world to him, and My Grandchildren, they did everything together these last 8-10yrs, and he again became a Large part of my husband side of my family as well... Since he had been adopted into my side as a young child...
I'm Just at a Loss.. I dread going to the furneral home and seeing a boy that never really got his chance... And I Call him a Boy because His addictions started young, and once an Addict I Feel... You never grow beyong the age you begun it all... And He So Desired LIFE... Just had Know Means of Support thru his Bio Family, and was always Knocked Down when he tried to beat it! I Pray when i go... My HP Will Keep his Hand Over My Mouth, and Lift Me to Peace!
My HP Assures me that tho he took his Own Life, He will still Sing from the Heavens, I Just wish he could have Found his Voice here! He was Such a Giving Loving Person, and his Life ended to soon...
So Thank You all for Being here, and Helping Me in times Like this, Because I Honestly don't know what I Would do without you all... I was So Very Grateful to make a Meeting last night at one of my home groups, and it was a full house of Love, Caring & Sharing... And tho it felt so Nice to Just Release... I Just can't find my Off Switch on the river of Tears that just keep fallin...
Thanks for being here... Love & Prayers to you all
I Can't... He Can... So Hard to remember at times...
Jozie, I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your friend. It is indeed sad that this young man never got to experience life the way it was meant to be. He is totally in God's hands now and out of pain.
My neighbor's son seems to never get a break either - was on the streets for 4-5 yrs, worked his way up to heroin, in & out of jail..you know the story. On his last jail stay, he fell & broke his jaw, requiring surgery. Then he went to a 28 day rehab place then to a long term rehab place - two days ago, while crossing the street in front of rehab, he got hit by a car and is back in the hospital having more surgery. I really worry about his father who is on dialysis and not in good shape - if I could only remove his stress...if only I could run the world for a day or two :-}
I AM SO SORRY TO READ ABOUT THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILDHOOD FRIEND. YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WERE INDEED A SOURCE OF HAPPINESS AND COMFORT TO HIM DURING HIS BRIEF LIFETIME.
HOLD ON TO THE GOOD MEMORIES, AS I HAVE. , KNOW THAT THEY HAVE SUCCESSFULLY COMPLETED THEIR JOURNEY
AND THAT HP HAS OUR LOVED ONES SAFE, AND WHOLE- FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN THAT THEY ENDURED HERE.
SENDING PRAYERS AND WARM THOUGHTS TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY
Jozie, I relate to this stinkin disease taking so many lives....heroin today seems like the pot of yesterday...so readily avail most places...and I'm watching my daughter battle with it..so scary...hold on to the good memories, how nice that he had a place to be when life at his home was chaotic,and you were a part of that and those memories...
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"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess."
((Jozie)) Sorry to here of you and your families loss of such a close family member, because thats how it sounded to me he was family, cant even start to understand the grief you are all going through at this time. Prayers and healing to you and your family. Your post really touched my soul. Take care.
Love simone
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What a caterpiller calls the end of the world....God calls a butterfly
I am so sorry to hear of this for you and your family. I can relate and it does get tiresome, the great thing about it, is their battle is over and much easier now. Sad for us great for them. Sendnig you much love and support today!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
((((Sis)))) in the end you are completely right on...I can't...He can...I'll let him then we turn to others to help us deal with the remorse when the one we turn over seeks a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The disease of addiction is so legendary that survival from it is almost unbelieveable. Keep that wonderful heart open...The opposite of fear is love. (((( hugs))))
((((( Jozie))) I think when I first got into recovery it was all about wanting to help someone else. A friend of mine died a number of years ago. I spent a lot of time persuading her that she needed to get help. Eventually the overwhelming pain got to her. At that time thankfully I knew I did all I could.
I don't know about you but I have been at this recovery stuff for decades. Al anon for a few years and on a number of days I feel like I am just getting started. One huge relief for me is to no longer feel survivor guilt. I think that is one of the hardest things to get over. Why me? Why did I get to recover when so many around me can't do it.
I know for me this recovery stuff is almost a full time job has been for a long long time. I also know that there are many many diversions, pit stops and huge barriers in my way. Some people are able to stop for their children and some can't. I no longer think that my individual contribution can persuade them otherwise. I respect and admire someone who has it to keep at recovery it is such an undertaking.
I also understand well the issue of never having a chance. My peers are dead or incarerated or drugged up. There are plenty of us out there. God works in mysterious ways and maybe this young man came into your life to aid your recovery and show you how precious life is. I do not believe any more that I am the person who can make a difference, no matter how much juice I put into it. My own recovery is at the forefront and I put that first in all my undertakings.
