Helplessness. Most gawd awful feeling in existence. I've been where you are and know your feelings exactly. I've been with therapists who "threaten" to do something and never do. I've been where the school and daycare's are coming to me telling me things they witnessed but they never pick up the phone.

I can't talk about all this because it brings out a political side of me that has to do with creating a nation of people motivated by fear. Fear of laws, lawyers and rules and regulations. It creates this. In addition there is some big ol talk about ending child abuse and neglect and NO follow through.

I was the one that ended up making the calls and *I* got threatened. They told me straight up (wish I had a tape recorder) "if the abuse isn't that bad we won't do anything". Or: "if we don't have proof we can't do anything". And then they talk to the child who is afraid of the parent, and come back with "well he says everything is fine, sorry". FYI when I tell people the things he did, their first reaction is always "OMG where does he live, I know someone". It was HORRID. It was emotional torture and some physical abuse.

First and foremost I never put my kids in the place of confronting their dad. When you are a child afraid of your parent, its horrifying to consider it. I did ask them to try and text me in secret if something was truly worrying them and then I would talk to him. I would call him and say "so, is this true?" and he would kind of lie at first but his monster ego always led him to admitting it was mostly true and usually he was proud of it!? Then he'd be aware I was onto him and they would get peace the rest of the night.

I spent more hours settling a child by text, giving them "coping" skills when they were angry and wanted to make things worse, and calming them down while their father was drunk, irate or having some party and ignoring them. I showed up once when it was the step kids also calling me for help and the kids were locked in a room afraid of both parents - but I told the police to meet me there. by the time I got there the police had settled everyone and told me to leave and did not allow me to pick up my kids.

I've been there. I'm so sorry. My older children learned the helplessness as they witnessed things with my youngest. There is NOTHING that makes you feel better or get over it quickly. It invokes a type of rage you never want to admit you have and then requires you to squash that rage and use your thinking brain. It does make you unable to relax, sleep, rest. Hyper vigilant is the word. I wish I could sit with you and talk for hours. I'm on the downside of this mess, 6 years later and age and the fact that years of hitting his own wall and having no one else to blame for his poor excuse of a person he finally has to recognize it's him, not everyone else. There is some progress now but only because I got out of the way early on, quit making calls, quit giving therapists an out (fired one and told him why and he said "I don't blame you one bit") and focused on how to teach my children to grow up in a war zone and feel empowered, not frightened. I don't think I had much other choice but once my kids have reached the age of 13 I have allowed them to refuse to go there. CA allows it. I did not persuade them, if they called me to say "I don't want to go to dads" I would say "you need to tell him that yourself, then let him know that I am allowing you to stay with me". That worked to get dad on my tail instead of theirs and I handled his enraged stupidity myself.

After 6 months of his threats - he gave up and stopped arguing over one of the teens not wanting to go. He doesn't realize than when my youngest starts up with it, I will do the same. And honestly if he said the reverse "I'd rather be with dad" I'll let him when he's older. I think kids in divorce need to feel empowered, like they have some control over their life instead of everyone telling them how their life is going to be in an environment they never wanted.

That's my long ESH LOL.