The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love my husband so very much. I know that I post all the terrible things that come with his alcohlism, but he can be a really great man. He cooks wonderful dinners almost every night and anything I want (materially) I get. He goes on and on about how beautiful I am and I know he really does love me. I love him, I love him, I love him!!!! We had a great day yesterday before he started drinking. We did laundry and went Christmas shopping. We laughed and held hands and just enjoyed each other's company.
With all that being said, I am embarrassed by him. Last night we had dinner with our new neighbors. He got wasted. We were all four sitting in the living room playing a game and he kept downing beer after beer; going to the fridge at least 10 times in a two hour time span, and some of thos times he brought back two beers for himself. The other couple had had a glass of wine each with dinner and the husband had two beers after dinner. On one of my husband's trips to the fridge, the husband asked me how many beers my husband had had. I told him I wasn't really paying much attention. Then later, I took my dog out and the husband asked me if it was normal for my husband to drink so much. I told him yes, this is the norm, and left it at that. I was pretty embarrassed by my husband's drunken behavior. We couldn't even finish our game because he got so drunk he couldn't concentrate enough to play. Then when the other couple went back to their apartment, my husband went with them to play a video game with the husband. He came back about 20 minutes later. He said he just wanted to be with me. But I am sure it was because he was too drunk to play. By this time, I was sick at my stomach. The chaos makes me physically ill. He wanted to get "busy" but I told him I was sick. I was sick at my stoamch and all he could think about was that???? That is what makes me sick about him being a drunk... my sweet, sober husband would never be so inconsiderate. I am truly married to two totally different people.
He keeps telling me that he is going to give up drinking after the holidays. It is his New Year Resolution. I say BS! I wish I could believe him, but I know that resolutions rarely ever are taken seriously. I know, because I was supposed to be 20 pounds lighter this year
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 9th of December 2012 07:13:01 PM
-- Edited by almostgivenup on Sunday 9th of December 2012 07:18:41 PM
Well... he really does sound like a sweetie. I liked the way you handled the questions about his drinking - just straightforward no explanation required. Also, you're setting boundaries with him when he is drunk that involve your personal comfort level. That's self respecting. Meetings really can help with learning more about alcoholism and how it affects family members and feeling less alone. Not everyone divorces even if the alcoholic continues to drink. Meetings can be helpful for not comparing your life to other people's who aren't living with alcoholism. Everybody's living with something, they just aren't lucky enough to have a support program to help.
The disease of alcoholism is progressive but how it progresses differs from person to person. People do get sober and stay sober and some are part of this board and share a little about that which helps family members to hear too. You just don't know... he may keep that New Year's resolution. He's got 365 tries at it. Either way... you know you love him. Keep coming back, keep sharing, keep taking care of you. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 9th of December 2012 08:38:17 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I know very well how this disease can take a beautiful loving person and turn them into a monster. It is so heartbreaking to watch them suffer, but suffer they must before they get to recovery. All I can say is that you don't have to be embarrassed at his behavior, that is for him. You have nothing to do with it. You can't stop him, didn't cause him to drink. It's not about you and doesn't reflect on you. I know it hurts when they get so inconsiderate, too. Mine was like that when not sober. Made me want to shrink away from him. Yuck.
Just know you are not alone in this. Get to a meeting if you can. That always helps me.
(((((hugs)))))
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks Jen, it helps to know that others understand what I go through. I have been reading on here all night and am really sad to know that most of the time, it doesn't get better. Almost all of the stories I read indicate that divorce is inevitable. I know I cannot live the rest of my life walking on egg shells.
Yes, divorce happens and that is what happened in my case however there are other cases here that maybe there is a break in the marriage the couples do survive inspite of. Ironically in my Alanon group I'm the minority of choosing to divorce. The other couples have made it. They are also living with recoverying alcoholics, so please take heart, it does work out at times. It really is up to the couple. In my case I asked STBAX if he would go to counseling concentrate on our relationship and he said no. There isn't a lot I can do with that answer except give him what he continued to tell me he wanted.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Dear friend, please don't let the internet teach you everything about al-anon, please go to face to face meetings yourself. Week after week, I sit in meetings with people who are still married to their alcoholic, those are the people who can show you how they do it. There is hope. we can find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
Al-anon suggests internet use as a supplement ONLY to face to face meetings.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Pushka, I know what you mean by not being able to do it on your own. I have asked my husband to go to counseling, but he doesn't want to. And I don't want to go by myself. There really isn't any point in me going if he isn't going to be open to it, I can't fix it by myself.
Glad, I do need to go to meetings. I am going to go back this week. :)
I know tons of people that remained married and had husbands that sobered up. Mine didn't end that way but it doesn't mean yours won't. My ex was also abused (beaten severely) and combined with the alcohol and anger; it just doesn't mix. He refuses his mental health meds. I could not, after 16 years, 3 rehabs, 1 suicide attempt, and 6 major surgeries...continue in this marriage and be healthy. Nor could I could I show our child a healthy example. That said, I am not the majority and my exAH had more than just alcohol to contend with. I was just drained. So give it time, give him a chance and try alanon for you. It helped me tremendously and got me through some very dark days.
Your story sounds SO much like many I have had, too. I know that experience and those emotions so well and it is heart wrenching. Of course we can still love our A's even though they put us through this hell. We do deserve to be be happy too and Al-Anon really has helped me learn to Let Go of his behavior as a reflection on me. I live in a VERY small town and have a pretty good job in the community. When he finally got arrested for blowing a 0.32 while driving at 1PM and EVERYONE knew about it, that is when I had to hunker down and really learn to detach. And somehow I worked through all that anger and resentment (it took a LONG time though and if I am not careful it can creep up on me). Because all that drama and pain impacted me and took away my happiness and dissolved a lot of my love and respect for him. Hence they call it a family disease.
For me, I had to realize that if I was focusing on whether or not WE were going to make it, I was mainly focusing on HIM and his drinking and not MYSELF which is the only thing I have control over. All the other things are pretty much out of my hands. So for me, letting go and learning to get better for myself had to happen first. Our marriage would only survive if we EACH got healthy, and I was the only one who could do it for me. He is responsible for him and unfortunately, my husband is not choosing to become healthy. So here we are now, but at least for me it is win-win, even if it is not EASY. I get healthy and get to also have my family or I get healthy and get to be happy on own. Healthy for me, is the goal now. And I do still love him--but until he loves himself, there is nothing there for me. I will remain unfulfilled with him.
Some in my group are still married to their Alcoholic spouse some are not. I am (currently), we still have our troubles. I have and still ponder the questions of seperation and divorce. It took me a long time to learn that there is no "good advise" no one is you, no one is living your life, no one knows the love you have for your self or your husband but you. I can't count on my fingers how many friends and family told me to leave my wife, and just as many told me to work it out. I chose to work it out. I know it has been a harder journy, a more painful journy than had I just given up and moved on. Today I am greatful of the choice I made. Our marriage or life isn't what I would like it to be, But it sure as hell isn't what it once was! The only thing that helped me and ultimatly my marriage, were the people here, my al-anon group my Al-anon meditation books and the big blue AA book. If I were to give you any advise it is to Pray Pray Pray!!! I forget that myself so often. It truly is amazing the streagth the program can give you, the confidence we recieve working the program. I haven't even been here a year or in al-anon a year. My spirit isn't healed but it's happy and healing. Thats worth something! I pray you get a glimpse of the serenity that is achievable through the program. It was just one small glimpse of serenity that I had 7 months ago that lasted 10 minutes that kept me comming back here and to my meetings. I'm babbling now. It can get better!!! I pray it does for you.
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IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS DONE, YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS GOT
Not knowing what each day will bring can also cause a load of stress. Take care of you, as they say, you didnt cause it, you cant fix it but you can fix yourself in spite of it.
I wish I could find contentment with my A spouse. I sometimes find contment in spite of her, but rarely with her or beside her. I am also embarrassed by several of her behaviors. Lyne
Then when the other couple went back to their apartment, my husband went with them to play a video game with the husband. He came back about 20 minutes later. He said he just wanted to be with me. But I am sure it was because he was too drunk to play. By this time, I was sick at my stomach. The chaos makes me physically ill. He wanted to get "busy" but I told him I was sick. I was sick at my stoamch and all he could think about was that???? That is what makes me sick about him being a drunk... my sweet, sober husband would never be so inconsiderate. I am truly married to two totally different people. 
