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Is it OK not to take calls anymore. My son is enaging me a lot and now we got into a arguement about his car. He wants me to take it and I said NO...now he's mad that I'm so heartless on taking the gift. I think its alcohol time.
He's thinks he moving to another country....WHAT???
Is it OK to be done with your child....
confused...
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Sunday 9th of December 2012 05:43:15 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yes, it is OK to not accept calls. I was thinking that in your other post actually. If he's going to verbally abuse you or subject you to craziness, you don't have to take the calls. You will never be "done" with him, but it's okay to put some distance between you and him right now. Sticking to your boundaries is harder when you are letting yourself talk to him and get tested a million times a day. As an adult male, calling my mom about 1 x ever other week is normal for me.
Aloha Cathy...just one of the many helpful reminders I got from the program was..."if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...IT'S A DUCK"!! That helped me to understand that I was dealing with the insane alcoholic/addict I was married to while I was trying to force myself to recognize a rational, sane, normal (???) person. When I accepted I was powerless I quit trying to make sense out of the rantings of my sick spouse and quit trying to respond in a way that she would understand or in a way that she wanted. It's okay to just STOP!! and say what was real; like "I love you" and I will not participate anymore. His anger isn't sound criticism of your choices. It is evidence of his tantrum. I'm glad I learned the lessons of detachment with my eldest son when I was going thru this because it made life much more easy and I felt much better watching him work thru the consequences of his choices and finally arrive at his own solutions...many of which worked and I've got no comment either on the ones that didn't or did.
He has NEVER been abusive or rude but it might be starting now. He has subjected me to craziness a lot. I had to turn off my phone and your absolutely right about putting distance between us right now. He won't understand but I understand. Once I did off my phone for a couple of days and he about had a cow I wasn't taking to him.
No matter what you say or do it doesn't make one bit of sense to him. He is off the wall. I think the alcohol has destroyed his brain or he just a dry drunk right now.
He hasn't been to any AA meetings, called anyone to get any help in two days. He will just drink again.....I'm sure of that.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
It is absolutely ok to disengage from the insanity of this disease. I have a rule(boundary) about talking on the phone. There is a little button on it that allows me to stop when the conversation gets disrespectful or too insane. I just hang up. When they call back, I tell them that I will not allow myself to be disrespected or drawn into craziness. I know how to use that button. Another wonderful invention is the answering machine or voicemail. It allows me to not be at anyone elses beck and call. I suggest you learn to make use of these wonderful inventions. They can really make your life much more sane and peaceful.
Praying for peace for you.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
He's not even dry. He's fresh out of detox. Still totally crazy. Dry is when you've not had alcohol in a while and that cranky, irritiable, discontented, sour, selfish jerkiness sets in. His brain is still reeling. He is still wet (although it technically is not wetbrain). His brain is damaged right now but not permanently. That haze clears up within a month or so to a large degree, but it does take a program. You are right. He will probably drink. This has been and continues to be about what you will do...continue with alanon.
((((Cathy))))...for me, Alcohoism was/is always abusive. Sit in on a few Alcoholic Anonymous open meetings and just listen; just one of the things, characteristics, you will hear is "self centeredness" which mean that others and what is important or respectful to others, doesn't matter and that is abusive. It is also what is happening to you as I read your post. One short direction I got from the program when this was happening to me was "It cannot hurt you unless you permit it and or participate in it". After time in the program I had and still do arrive at "No"...a complete sentence still. ((((hugs))))
I just sent him a email setting a new boundary telling him we need distance and don't be calling me with everything you do on a minute by minute basis. Oh mom, I rode my bike, I applied for jobs online, I washed my car ...... I took a s***. :( so sad..
He starting with he has to convince me he will stop drinking and he has to earn my love back....geez he never lost it. He continues with I will do the right thing and I need my family. I told him he never lost me or his father but HE thinks he has....
I have completely took over this kids life....what a shame...and now he can't do anything right now. I just pray it changes someday.
Gosh I was so wrong what I did to him over the years....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
People may drive us crazy, Cathy, but we gotta stop handing them the keys, right? Yes, you can stop doing what you're doing. or you have the option to keep doing what you're doing but you will keep getting what you're getting, no different than your son.....
In recovery, we get choices, we can change the things we can. My sponsor used to say that God must shake his head with us sometimes because we're so stubborn, we ask for help but won't stop doing what we're doing. In the past, I thought it was hopeless because I could ONLY see things working out ONE way - my way. I had to learn to keep an open mind.
Try practicing something different, my friend. Choose peace, get quiet and still, put him in your God Box and trust he is in better hands than yours. give your mind a break. Do something different.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
People don't hurt me no mater what they say to do to me....including my son. I have no hate or resentment...I have not hurt when he said FY once when I call 911 on him....nothing...it doesn't hurt me. I understand he is hurting and that's all I see. Even abuse doesn't hurt it makes me upset he's not getting it.
I only hurt for hjim and that's my big problem. I don't think about myself anymore and need to.....
I guess that's abuse on me isn't it..... abuse on my life and happiness.
I'm learning everyday...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Sis...self blame just never worked for me and just enabled my alcoholic/addict to take focus off of their responsibilities to and for themselves. This is good work...turning or giving him back his own life is the best work we can do. Turn him over to the AA program, to AA literature (don't go buy it for him), AA sponsor, AA Higher Power (I can say with certainty that HP hangs out in those meetings too) and detach with love....with love....with love (damn that was soooo hard!!). The miracles started when I started to detach with love. You know the 3c's? Repeat them over and over...from your mind, from your mouth, from your heart and then from your core...gut. They are our truth. You are not God...cute yes...and still not God...3c's. Self pity and self blame isn't part of your miracle or your son's...God's got lots of room in God's palms...turn your son over and then go find a place for yourself too...we've got lots of room.
Keep coming back here...you'll be okay. Praying with you. ((((hugs))))
Hon, remember that most of what your son says at this point in time is the toxins talking...and he's seeing a new you that he is totally unfamiliar with. I took a few FYs too and chose to let it go considering my son was detoxing at the time and was visibly in a lot of pain.
