Trying to move forward - Al-Anon Family Group

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to move forward

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes we have to re-evaluate what our family looks like. It would almost be easier to lose them to something more concrete like cancer or a car accident, but the effect is the same. Alcoholism has consumed them and we have to grieve and move forward. When AH and I were separated the last time, I learned to equate my situation to losing him to something else, so I could make it more real to myself. That was my way of making it real. Not sure if I am coming clear on this, but I hope it helps.

Of course there is always hope for them as long as they are breathing, but that doesn't mean we can wait forever for their recovery to happen.

I was lucky and hubby got sober soon after I made the decision to let him go. I didn't file for divorce, but it was touch and go for awhile. We were separated for almost a year. Every day I got up and asked myself if I was going to stay married today, and I would say yes, I will stay married today. It could change tomorrow, but for today I did not need to file divorce.

I did however make some serious changes to our financial accounts to protect myself.

Ask yourself, "What do I need today?", and go from there.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

-- Edited by Jen on Sunday 9th of December 2012 06:17:42 PM

sookie · Senior Member

Just needed to be here today. I have been still working my program with face to face meetings (2/week) but I feel I will need more support over the next months. I am going to end my marriage to the AH, who has now been struggling with his recovery in his own apartment for 18 months. Nothing is moving forward with his progress. Last night he was here to see our two daughters and I felt is was safe to go to a movie with my friend. I do not get to do much outside of work and caring for my kids...when I came home he was wasted. I had words with him infront of the kids, which I usually do NOT do--but I had to get him to leave. I threatened to call the police because he iscurrently on probation for two DWIs. Would he go to jail? I am not sure which is why i didn't call.

Now I know I cannot even trust him for an hour or two--which means I cannot literally DO anything w/o my kids unless I get a babysitter...and when they are sick (which is all the time during this season) I will not have anyone else to stay home from school with them...I will need to do it. It is overwhelming (it already is and now this???)...but this is the reality now.

I ended up telling my older daughter a little about his alcoholism for the first time. She said he was drinking from a big red can and that she knew there was something wrong with him because of how he was talking.

It is heart wrenching, watching this man I love sit in his own misery and ignore all help. I just need to move forward for my girls and my sanity. Grateful for this message board and I look forward to sharing and hearing ESH as I go through this major transition.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can absolutely relate to this share and I now am totally on my own without even thinking he is able to help with our kids or even be reliable to make it for a visit to take them anywhere and follow through. I am so sorry it has come to this for you as well. I work, go to school and have my kids full time with a weekend a month at this point where his parents take one night of it, when I run them to his town. I have no family and am just starting to make some good friends to back me up a little in the town I moved to 6 months ago, it hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it. With Al-anon I am finding myself more capapble than I ever dreamed. Let go and let God with him. I am sending you much love and support on your journey!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Sookie,

I'm so sorry you are going through this especially during the holidays .. no it is not easy nor is it fair. Nothing about addiction every is .. it leaves a wasteland of collateral damage.

As you move forward just know you are in thoughts and prayers from all over, stick very close to your program as well as here on the boards. It has gotten me through some really difficult times just coming and reading .. I try and respond when I can, there are usually others far wiser than I am who have already responded. It helps me a great deal to come here and just do that.

Hugs P :)

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I can totally relate to you here. My a ex couldnt be trusted when my kids were small. We have been separated for 5 years, officially for 1. We were planning on reconciling but the demon drink got in the middle. Anyway I have always been on my own dealing with the kids. Our youngest is 15 and is very challenging. My a ex demands to know what my son is up to, however, his contribution is nuts. His slurred opinions make no sense and are usually over the top. I try to use my program by accepting the fact that he can't be a parent. It's took me a while to stop feeling hatred for him because I have felt abandoned but I'm getting there. It's step one. Hard one. Good luck.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel your pain! Thank goodness you learned he is not safe to leave the kiddos with! You might find someone at meetings to trade watching kids. I was a widow and we did that in this room at a church. worked out great.

You are right, we need to do things for us.

I hated seeing my AH die in front of me. Then he was not there at all. Just his body. he was so brain damaged he was gone. Day at a time for me really helps. Even now I am looking at a future I am not really wanting to do. but I thought ok one day at a time, it will be ok.

What you are thinking may not be true. YOu may find other options so you can have time with out kiddos. I know many cities have things for kids and it is very well locked up and the kids protected. then mom or whoever goes off and plays! it may be an area they do very cool crafts, or exercise stuff or many different new age tech things. My daughter takes her son to them. Also many pools, yoga whatever provide child care as part of the package.

I glad you came to hang out! Remember don't try, "do."!! hugs, debilyn

Zimmy · Senior Member

So sorry this is happening, and I can relate. At least you have your children, like I have my son and i feel sorry for my abf that he misses out on so much because of the alcohol, I despise the stuff what it has taking away from my family, but I get to hug and spend time with my son and absolutly cherish it, because before it all came to ahead with my a's drinking i was so hung up on him and what he was doing I wasn't their for my son. That is something i can be grateful for that i am enjoying being emotionally as well as physically here for my son. I dont know what the future holds for us as a couple, to drained but i have the gift of a beautiful son who means everything to me.

Love and support

Simone x

sookie · Senior Member

Thank so much everyone. It is like Debilyn said--it is like watching him commit a slow, painful suicide right before my eyes and I can't help and all I can do is try to make sure everything else isn't spiraling out of control. I really have missed these boards and I know I need to be here now more than ever. I am so grateful for my kids and I have clung to the dream of us making it work so I could keep my family together, but it really is hopeless--even thought I know we all love each other. We have spent a lot of time pretending to be normal for the kids, and I go right back to step one over and over again--life has become unmanageable!!! Great help here--thank you so much.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.