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Changes and things that I have wanted to see are starting to happen and I have conflicting feelings about them. I definitely need some feedback. My AH of 26 years that I have been separated from since August has finally started seeing a psychiatrist, regularly attending AA meetings and even got a sponsor. We have continued to talk and have a pretty good relationship even through all of this craziness for the past couple of years but this is the first time I have seen genuine remorse for the pain he has caused, a real desire to change without the underlying anger and resentment that he is doing it for me. The thing is I had waited so long to see that and now that I do, I'm grateful and cautiously optmistic that he is moving in the right direction but I am also resentful that it took this long and that it is happening when I was finally starting to move on. I believe that scared the crap out of him and I'm sure it was a step to the bottom. Another step was being left out of our family Thanksgiving dinner. It really broke his heart, being alone. I guess he realized a bottle is not that great when that is all you have. Anyway, the boys and I are encouraging him but still keeping our hands off approach although I am feeling the beginnings of the pressure to check in with him to see how he is doing.
Yesterday, things kind of came to a head and a lot of underlying issues smacked me in the face. I left the house at 7am to go to work. We had an office party/open house so we busted our butts setting up, working in between, entertaining and cleaning up. I didn't get home until 10pm. In the middle of all that, I left to attend a memorial service for a co-worker's husband. This was from the job that I left two years ago right before things went wacko with the hubby. This woman was like a mother (and friend) to me. She was a cancer survivor and was so helpful to me when my dad was diagnosed. She had been married to a severe alcoholic and had two grown sons and used to tell me stories of her life before she met the man she was currently married to. Her first husband put her through hell although you could tell she still loved him but her second husband was just the sweetest man ever. At that time, I didn't see my future going there so although I listened and took it in, I told her last night that if I had known what I know now, I would have listened so much harder. I also told her that I realized just how lucky she was to have found her 2nd husband (he passed away with early onset Alzheimers) and that I wish they had been able to have more time together. Was just upsetting to see how she got the courage to leave, met someone who made her happy and she loses him so early. Also upsetting because I saw all of these people that I so enjoyed working with and had to leave to return to a place where I am thankful for having a job but don't get that sense of closeness. I am also po'd that I am working my ass off again because my husband fell apart and couldn't provide for us anymore. Two years ago. I had left work to be at home to enjoy our home and empty nest. Both kids were finishing college so no more tuitions. The husband and just gotten a big promotion and we were going to travel and maybe even do foster care since we are still relatively young and have a great house for kids. Lots of room and a pool. I felt so happy but things just didn't go as planned. The lady that I work with just gave her notice a week ago to stay st home and I was so envious and it brought it all home again.
So yesterday was a killer and on the way home, I get a call from him and I was so tired (emotionally and physically) that I didn't even answer. When I got home, I checked the message and it's him with his concerned, but I also pick up on possessiveness, asking where I am and why I'm not answering. I just want to come in and crawl into bed but I feel like I need to call and say, I'm okay but I'm just exhausted. I did that and I'm thinking the whole time that he doesn't even deserve it but I'm a kind person and don't want to ignore him or mess up the progress he's making. In honesty, that is as much for the kids as it is for him.
Ugh . . . so many mixed emotions. Any words of wisdom?
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
I am very happy to hear that your STBAX is seeking help. That is not a bad thing at all. At the same time we are not talking years of sobreity and effort. We are talking weeks from the sounds of things and it is OK to be cautious and proceed at a very snails pace.
Personally and maybe this is to much advice and not enough ESH let him work his own program as you work yours. There has not been enough time to be whipping out the band and shouting woo hoo look what he's doing now. He's got to get a lot more 24 hours behind him and just allow things to unfold as they are going to unfold.
There is no need to rush back and I understand what I am hearing you say is it would be easier in many ways to do that. I get where you are coming from in big ways. He has himself that he needs to fix .. honey .. he's got a long way to go yet. He's only just found sobriety there is a HUGE difference between physical sobriety and sober living.
You don't have to JADE why you do or don't want to talk to him at the end of the day .. it just is .. can you just text him and say I'm ok, just tired I'll talk to you later? I don't know if that's an option or not, I would encourage you to honor your feelings of being tired and needing to take care of you. I know I'm more apt to do things if I don't feel outside pressure of "I have to" those for me lead to big resentments.
In this whole process there are no guarentees for any of us as to the "what if's" or "what happens after". No .. you couldn't and can't provide what he needs to do in order to get sober and stay that way .. he has to have the willingness to do those things himself. What if he gets better? What if he doesn't? What happens after? All of these questions need more information and in order to get that information it's going to take time.
You def need time to heal from all of the hurt, anger, frustrations of YEARS (especially this past couple of years) there is no magic fix .. just time. So don't rush, slow down and take a big breath. Sleep on things, take care of you and the rest really is going to follow. It can't help except follow. You need time to process and there is absolutely no reason for you to make a decision today.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
It's never too late. I like the "cautiously optimistic thing." I remember in early sobriety thinking that I deserved a freaking medal for doing the things that ordinary people do every single day. It took me a long time to realize that AA was the place where people would give that to me, but in my outside relationships and in the outside world, I didn't deserve squat for finally sobering up. I had to earn it like everyone else. It takes several months or even sometimes years of work to shed some of those self-centered alcoholic character defects. Baby steps for him and you keep up with your alanon program.
Hey Pushka! I wasn't real clear on that but I agree with you on not returning home. He has brought it up and I told him that I didn't think it would be a good thing for me and maybe not for him because he needs to do this on his own and if I am there, the temptation to jump in and take over for me is huge and the temptation for him to blame and resent me is as well. I'm not going to lie. I miss my home and I've had a few moments of wating to run home and do this together but good sense takes over. Thanks for the response.
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"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G Llewellyn
Taking time is a really good thing. "When in doubt, don't" is one of my favorite saying that I learned here. When AH and I separated last, he got sober about three weeks into it, but I told him to plan to be apart for a year. I wasn't going to do the yo-yo thing of him being in, then out, again and again.
My thought on the call was it's none of his business if you don't want to answer the call or text. You are not at his beck and call. And with a jealous person I think it's prudent to have an especially strong boundary about my personal freedom. Texting back that I am tired and don't feel like talking is a good solution. Let's him know everything is ok, but doesn't engage.
I also am thinking that giving in every time he wants to make contact can make a person feel resentful. You have a ton of resentment and that needs to be worked through. Resentment is poison to a relationship. For me, expectations out of line with reality is what builds resentment the fastest. I had to really look at what my expectations were and what reality was. How were they not matching up?
Praying for both of you to find serenity in a new sober life.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
