The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here I am on Friday night. I have spent the day discussing with my spouse, why we are not close, why we are not romantic, and why we just can't be happy. I told her she is in denial about her multiple addictions: drinking, gambling, eating, and lying. She only recognizes eating as one of her problems. I told her she needs special help to work on these things. That I can't trust anything she says, that I am completely lonely in this marriage, and that I am thinking of moving in a separate bedroom. She doesn't even get what I am saying. She goes right to I hate her and I don't love her. I guess it is her diseases that keep her from looking deep within herself to say, holy s--t, I need help. We have had this conversation over 100 times. The results are the same. She tries harder for a couple wks and then she is back in her mess. She doesn't understand why I am not jumping for joy. She just doesn't get it. The good news is that although I have been sad all day, I am OK, I've taken care of myself, and I am looking forward to tomorrow. Lyne
what would happen if you took all of that energy you have spent today focused on your AW and put it into your own recovery?
It has been a hard lesson learned that no matter what I said (say) to my STBAX is going to make him see the light and want recovery. HE has to have the willingness to find those things out for himself. My part is how far I want to travel that journey with him. For me the answer was I had to let go completely because the relationship was to toxic for my health and well being. I still struggle with trying to fix, manage and control a situation I am completely powerless over. Nothing you do or don't do is going to "make" her want to get better and it becomes wasted energy that has the opportunity to be used for something else.
Now I want to be totally honest about what I'm saying to you .. LOL .. and I laugh because I'm completely laughing at myself, I went to therapy and I have made great strides .. however .. I spent the last 15 min of my session completely obsessing over his demise as an addict. Umm .. why did I waste that time on HIM? I don't know .. probably because I have done that for the past 13 years. It is only my job to take care of myself, whatever is on my side of the street, it is not my job to venture to what I call the dark side (that is not meaning the bad area, it is HIS side of his own crap for him to deal with), .. that is not my job in taking care of me.
Sending you a ton of love and support this is a very difficult lesson to learn especially when someone's actions affect my life and my well being. Please keep coming back it does get better. It will get better a whole lot faster when I put the focus on me and stop trying to fix, manage and control what I am powerless over. I am powerless over someone else's addiction. I did not cause it, I will not control it and no matter what I say or do I will not cure it. I am not someone else's HP. I can only control myself in any given situation.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I do believe that Pushka has shared her powerful experience and I would like to second it. I have learned that happiness is an inside job and that I am responsible for my own "insides" If someone else's actions appear to be hurting me I must look to myself for the solution.
I am glad that you are taking care of yourself I found when I began to truly do this I became happier. I focused on my meetings, meditations, rest, entertainment, exercise etc. and hard as it was in the beginning I let my partner try to take care of themselves.
