The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time posting. My ex husband is one of my current A's. I have a family full of them! He is the father of my 4 yr old daughter. Therefore I have to deal with him even though we are divorced. To give you a little background on our situation...he filed for divorce calling me unfit. I know now that he was trying to take the attention away from his physical, mental and addiction problems. Anyway since our split last year. He has lost 2 jobs. So I have taken on our daughter's health insurance costs and most of the costs for clothing, school etc.
So the reason I am posting is because my ex is now expecting me to pick up the pieces of his life for him. He has asked me to pay for gifts for our daughter for her Christmas with him. I nicely refused. He expects me to pay for his half of her pre-school. This I may have to do just to keep our daughter's life stable. He cries on the phone with me telling me he has no money to pay his bills. He can't find a job and he is afraid he will lose his brand new town house. I moved into a fixer upper my mom and I bought out of foreclosure. I put my half of the monies we made on our home sale into savings. I spent half of the money fixing up the house so it was inhabitable(not kidding). I put the other half away just in case of emergency. He spent all of his $$ on his new town house and partying with his friends. He has been horrid to me emotionally and personally since he filed for divorce. I have done everything I can to detach and not respond to his antics. So as a present to myself and to my daughter. I decided no matter what he says or does I will be nice to him. However, now he is begging me for food! How do I refuse him a holiday meal? How do I know where to draw the line or place the boundary here? A friend of mine who is in program told me he would not help him at all. I just would like some ESH on how to handle him now.
From an Alanon point of view, I agree with your friend. He is an adult and you are not his keeper. You are responsible for caring for your daughter and yourself. Your daughter will have Christmas whether he gives a gift or not. Unless he has to live with the consequences of his actions, he will have trouble finding his bottom. You didn't party his money away..lose the jobs etc. Personally, I would work at a fast food place before I'd go hungry...he also has that option. There are church food banks if he wants to be resourceful. He won't go hungry unless he chooses to. Most times the most loving thing we can do is let them find their bottom by stepping back and allowing them to fall.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you for sharing. You are doing a good thing. You will help other people in this situation. Stay strong it is hard however you can do it. Keep us posted on what you do.
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Personally, I agree with Christy. He is a big boy and must take care of himself or he will never learn how. You on the other hand obviously made good choices and did well by your daughter. So I would give yourself pats on the back for that and ignore his attempts to use your kind heart. If he is really that hungry, he will find a way to eat. And maybe learn something along the way. Good luck to you and your daughter. Keep posting and take care
I think the suggestions here have been very good. If I were in your shoes I would let him see the consequences for his actions. To step in now and help him out could stop him from seeing the bottom.
My suggestion is to pray to your HP and see what your motives are for helping him and if there would be any resentment from you if you did help him out. If there is resentment then you are probably doing it for the wrong reasons.
Keep Coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
This year buying food was definitely an issue for me in dealing with my boyfriend's physical illnesses (his addiction was needless to say a contributing factor in his physical problems).
I can definitely relate to being the good girl and being the one who steps in. I can also relate to neglecting myself for that. I can also very very much relate to the escalating demands issue. I am a big sucker for those. I can't say I always detach well or know what to do. I do know that trying to bring the focus back on me a lot helps. I put the focus on my needs (rather than my wants) and I put the focus on my to do list. I can also put the focus now on other people are adults and have adult choices. I don't have to take care of their choices for them. I have consistently been over involved in other people's lives and underinvolved in my own. I try now daily to give myself what I gave to others to the point of exhaustion.
Thanks so much for your ESH. I am not giving him anything and I have asked him to keep his personal problems to himself. To keep the focus of our conversations on our daughter and visitation. Hopefully he will get it.
I love you guys and thanks for the words of support.
Hi and welcome. Well done you have already looked out for you. He does have other options for help as everyone else suggested. Financially I would myself start to take care of the pre-school etc as it appears that he is not going to be reliable and it will affect you in the long run. Put yours and your daughters needs first. Luv Leo xx
I just would like some ESH on how to handle him now.
