Crying and not in control - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Crying and not in control

SuzanneSC · Member

It will be ok! Take a deep breath, you did the right thing. The right thing to do is so hard but you are helping him, I truly believe it. Do you have a sponsor to call?

I know he is still your baby but he is a grown up and responsible for himself. You did the right thing.

Prayers for you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree. You did the right thing. You are stepping out of the way for God's will to be done.

You are just fine. You wrote you are "so scared" but it sounds like you are scared for him and that has often stopped him from being scared for himself. Part of not enabling is differentiating your feelings from his. He has to be scared for himself in order to behave like a grown up. He's never had to be scared for himself. I think I wrote in another post that I really got serious about recovery when I was more afraid of falling flatter on my face than ever before.

There are no guarantees Cathy and you are doing this for YOU. You don't have to feel his feelings, manage his life, avoid his consequences. Live your life! This is about your freedom.

I've read other posts where its sounded like you might be making yourself more anxious by hinging it all on 1 or 2 factors. Specifically, you sounded like you were basically doing a "countdown" to his being "homeless." He might wind up without this apartment. He might have to make other arrangements. Try not to project him being a bum on the streets. Live in today and stay inside your own life. This is all a process for both you and him. It's not about his making a decision right now or being homeless. Try not to live in a catastrophe that hasn't happened yet.

I often struggle with wanting things for people more than they want them for themselves. That usually doesn't work too well for me. Being scared for him is your natural reaction, but he has to be the one to be MORE scared for him. If he's not, it doesn't do you any good to be scared for him. He will play on that too.

In addition - you are being SUPER STRONG right now. Most people do not have the courage to change deep rooted patterns like you are describing. Most people are also not as honest as you. You are still plenty strong in my book.

Highlyfavored · Senior Member

Hugs! I just said a prayer for you and your son, I feel your pain as i've been there. It get better and easier to say no, it's ok to cry, but stay firm and don't give in to his pleading and guilt.

Gettingitright!!

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome, Cathy! This is the beginning of the rest of your new life, each new moment is a new chance to create something that is healthier for you. This is the first time you have ever not automatically enabled him. Kudos! This is a huge painful step.

Celebrate this moment because as we make a decision for health and not the disease, you get your power back from a helpless situation. See, we cannot change, control or help another person realize any thing or do or feel anything. All we can do is love them, listen/support (if we can, if it is healthy for us). It is not our job to clean up every situation other adults get into. In fact when we do, it allows them to resent us because they are being victimized and not leading their own life.

This disease is so tricky and manipulative. We also lose ourselves and resent them when we jump in with both feet and do the rescuing. We need to rescue ourselves bc this is the only one we can control or change.

This will get easier, some days are much worse than others. This is a bad day because this is all new behavior and it is is new, and new behavior can be a little scary. This is natural. Keep practicing taking care of you and changing what you can. Keep detaching with loving kindness from him and allow him to face the consequences of his own actions, while you keep busy focusing on doing the same. I hope you keep coming back!

AStrongerMe · ~*Service Worker*~

So glad you came here. He's used to everyone else doing the thinking. He's waiting for someone else to do the work and his experience has been that you have a breaking point where you WILL step in. Sounds like you are at it, the discomfort is HUGE and what I've done as my therapist has told me in times like this is to say to myself "it hurts, I'm in pain, I'm uncomfortable and it's OK TO FEEL THIS WAY". In other words who wouldn't feel the way you do right now? We've all been there and the feelings are ok but remember this one thing:

You fixing his problem is not to help him, it's to stop your pain. And has it worked to do it that way so far?

So take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Listen to music. Tell yourself the feelings are ok and will pass. Tell yourself not to answer the phone more than once a day for him. Set a goal - I will not help him just for the next hour, the next 6 hours, the next 24 hours.

Coming here was great, keep doing that.

hdftby100 · Senior Member

I agree with pinkchip. No one can predict what will happen. In all likelyhood though if you step in and help (enable) you are just prolonging the inevidable. His rock bottom will then just come later rather than sooner. I think everyone here would agree that we wish that the addict in our lives hit their rock bottom much sooner so they would start the recovery process.

I will share this (although he was not an addict). My 18 year old son a few years back got arrested for a rash of graffitti. He was a senior in high school and had stopped going to school most of the time. He was dabbling in marijuana (even a little selling) and the typical teen partying every night. I told him that one more arrest and he would be out that day. When he got picked up for shoplifting and I got a call, I told him "You know what this means." He replied in a somewhat sad voice "Yea." I said, "Ok I expect you will be home shortly to start packing your clothes." My wife cried but she knew I was firm on my stance. He crashed with a buddy for a little while and dropped out of school. Fast forward a year. He voluntarily enrolls in night school to get his high school diploma (paying for it on his own), and not his GED. He asked if he could move back in. I set the boundaries. He had to be working a full time job and going to school. Once school was finished, he had to start paying rent. He finished his high school degree, just got a new job with benefits (before he was hourly but still working), qualified to buy a $10000 nice used truck on his own (no co-signer) and just moved into a good apartment with his fiancee. I have since asked him about the in between time when he was gone. He said he just lived for the day for a while but then saw that he was not going anywhere in life and wanted better. That is when he decided on his own to get the high school diploma. He also has NOTHING to do with drugs anymore. I consider his change a miracle as after 2 arrests I had pretty much determined that he would spend his life in and out of trouble. Best thing I did was kick him out and stop enabling him.

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks so much everyone. The crying has stopped. I'm glad I have a office so was able to close the door. I might do more crying but it will have to wait until I get home.

Yes my worry is all about him and what will happen to him. I'm fine in the sense of having a good job, nice home and car. All the things a middle class woman would want. I am lonely sometimes so I guess that's why I put so much into my son. I didn't let him grow up enough I guess. LOL now look where I'm at.

My "what ifs" drive me crazy sometimes so it's got to stop or I really will go crazy.

Well I've started this journey to make ME well so I need to keep at it. I think I also started the ball rolling for my son to start thinking at least.

Yep.... hardest thing I will probability have to do for my son, but I'm confident I can get well at least. Lived a LONG time this way ( THE ENABLER ) .....so I know it's not going to happen overnight.

You know the help here is the greatest thing I have ever seen....never would I think Cathy would get support from all you great people.

I pray I will be able to return that help to somebody someday when I get my act together and be of service to others in Al-anon and MIP.

:) Will need to express myself a little better. Not good that this writing stuff.

I feel better so thanks again and I will keep coming back

Sarah325 · Member

Cathy
You are so smart for coming back here frequently! you are taking control! look, he KNEW that you meant it, that you wouldn't soften his fall--isn't that huge? what a step!Hang in there...one day at a time (or one hour...)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweetheart you are doing fine! MIP is here for exactly what you are doing.

I told you I was there too. Have you read, "Getting Them Sober" volume one yet? You can order them from amazon books.

He has to do it on his own to survive. I know it is horrible. But when we help we are giving them all they need to have a slow death.

We don't help them, we help the disease be comfortable.

For you to do this, shows how much you do really love him. He will get that someday. He probably knows it right now. No man wants mommy to take care of him. Takes away his dignity. (not saying a woman would want it either)

We do relate big time. We know that hurting tummy, not able to eat or sleep, the worry. First I invite you to change the word worry to concerned. concerned has hope in it.

You have given him all the tools to live. Now he has to figure it out. Love has nothing to do with things. People in other countries who have what we would think very little, have soooo much love you would not believe it. They care about each other sooo much.

He knows you love him. I told you I told my son, "I know you can do it." He did and still does at 36. And he even likes and loves me! lol

Do you have family, friends you can go over and just be at their house? This is a time to let others comfort you, ask for hugs. I was a widow and raised my kids, so I know the extra closeness you have for him.

NO matter what you are doing the right thing. Now take care of your primary needs. Go get food you can eat, drink lots of good water, I would avoid all caffeine, nicotine alcohol anything that will make your body have to work harder. This is horribly high stress you are going thru.

I got myself flowers even thought Ididn't care. But i know seeing them helped me. I made sure I had sorbet and fresh fruit. little to no junk food.

Hydrating really does make us feel better whether it is a bath or shower. I coulda stayed in water all day long it is so soothing.

Keep coming here alll you need to. Hey you help us by coming and allowing us to share our experience! We need you too.

We already love you, hugs,debilyn

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, you have helped me. I'm in a similar situation. I have been an enabler my whole adult life. First my a ex. Now myson who is a problem drinker at 19. I have got to the point where I know he has to leave my home and both me and my younger son 15, need time without the weekly high tension drama and stress. So all these posts speak to me also, especially the post that said an enabler wants to rescue to remove their own pain. I know that's me. I don't want to for e my son to take responsibility for himself because I will worry. It's madness really. I've got so much work to do. Good luck Cathy.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Debilyn

I have one sister left but we haven't seen each other in 4 years. She has her own life and doesn't want or need my problems. I love her but we are on different worlds you might say. No friends either....my fault because I think I don't need to drag anyone into my problem life. I know that is wrong but over the last 4 years I retreated and didn't let anyone in. Now that has to change but it will take time. Al-anon and MIP is the first time I have really started talking to people outside of my co-workers. I see the benefits of others helping me so I have to find outside activities to find friends and get a life for myself. It's hard but I can do it...just takes time.

I quit smoking 2 years ago, don't drink any alcohol at all and lost 50 pounds. Sucks though because I'm gaining weight and I don't want to be fat again..lol

Each day I continue to learn more and more and will better myself and become happy again.

el-cee

I have come and now realize that I'm killing my son slowly and that helps me to back off and let God take over. It hurts my heart so much but....you know....enabling makes the hurt stop for a little while but it continues to come back the next, week or month. This madness has to stop....so I'm willing to go though a BIG BIG BIG hurt and pain so maybe it will someday stop forever.

Never sure how to explain my thoughts but because of people here are going through what I'm going though....my story comes to lite for many. We are here to help each other and that is the greatest gift we have gotten.
I also find me writing these stories I become accountable and I don't want to fail anymore. I become stronger and stronger everyday.

We all have it in us to become a better person if we work the program and seek the help everywhere we can. We don't need to do this alone as I finally see.....my eyes have opened.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

"I don't want to fail anymore."

You can't fail, Cathy. there are no "mistakes" only lessons. You are learning "the wisdom to know the difference" and we can't read that in a book. we have to learn it through experience. You're doing that, my friend.

The goal is to let go and let god. for me, when I stopped practicing an old behavior, I needed to replace it with a new one. New activities to occupy my mind. reading al-anon literature, going outdoors to be with Higher power, new hobbies, going to meetings, having fun with my al-anon friends with coffee, movies, chats, etc. etc. My brain needs something new so the obsessing can stop. You're getting there, keep trusting a power Greater than yourself. Keep remembering your powerlessness, you haven't been able to help him. remember?

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Your right.......as you say lessons....I'm learning my friend everyday. Little happiness once again. My HP at work

Thank you for the new lesson to work on.

dancer_in_pain · Member

As hard as it was, that is good news. To be able to say no and not enable him, that you should be proud of. I know that it can't be easy. I will pray for you to continue to do that. Bless you.

Path to Serenity · Senior Member

I have come and now realize that I'm killing my son slowly and that helps me to back off and let God take over. It hurts my heart so much but....you know....enabling makes the hurt stop for a little while but it continues to come back the next, week or month. This madness has to stop....so I'm willing to go though a BIG BIG BIG hurt and pain so maybe it will someday stop forever.

*******

Being in the same boat, I agree with this 100%. I look at it like, yeah I short-changed my son on his upbringing but since parenting never really stops, I now have a second chance to get it right & teach him that he is responsible for his own actions - good or bad. When he excels at something, the pride of accomplishment is his crown to wear; when he binges, loses his job, etc, the cross is his to bear.

My hubby got really upset with me when I wouldn't let our son in the house on a couple of cold nites & he slept on the cold porch. I struggled with that one and didn't sleep a wink in my own warm bed but I had to do it. My boundary of not being drunk in my home had been crossed & I wasn't about to back down...and there hasn't been another binge since then - going on a couple of months now. He working 6-7 days a week, buying his own gas, clothes, contributing to household expenses & groceries...crazy to say, but I'm still holding my breath, ya know.

((((HUGS))))

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