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I finally set the boundaries with mother & father. Very painful and difficult and guilt-provoking to take care of ourselves sometimes.
Things simply had to get to a place for me where (without anger) I just could not envision myself at Christmas this year with them or my brother. I just got tired of being rejected and invalidated.
Some strange part of them wants to push me away then pull me back in and I can't play games anymore. I didn't come to recovery to have relationships like that.
The last chain of events (one of a thousand over the years) was me lovingly asking my mother not to involve herself in my life-business relationships (with landlord and others) - and her responding by saying I certainly need her "help" and I do so much better when I do "this or that" and on and on...she knows just how to push my buttons, too...
The Truth is I'm the only one in a family of adult children (parents included) with a program of recovery...I'm a grown woman who's gone thru the 12 steps and I'm dealing with people who want me to remain the helpless child so they can keep pointing the finger at me as the "bad one"...they're scared for me to get better...so in my case the boundaries I set are total No Contact. I believe they will have to be in place for some time, maybe a year at least.
They know recovery is available to them but I believe they are too afraid of people's opinions since they are highly-respected...I also believe it's easier to let me carry everyone's shame...why do any work when someone is saving you from having to?
I am saddened tremendously by this but have accepted my family and myself for who we all are and have made a committment to get healthier physically, emotionally, and spiritually. For me, these relationships have meant doom. There are no other options left. I certainly hope I am doing the right thing, as I know we are all only here for a short time...I just want to live...I've suffered for decades so they could further their own agendas and for now this is what my picture looks like.
Any different views, please feel free to mention.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Friday 7th of December 2012 10:08:50 AM
I wasn't saying you were incapable. Not sure what I said to elicit that feeback. I was identifying with you not judging you. That was uncalled for. I just wont respond to your threads anymore. I do hope you find peace and serenity though. Perhaps take a look at ripping people's head off that are trying to help you? Maybe a life pattern perhaps?
"Help me! Give me feedback" "I hate the feedback you gave! I'm setting boundaries." If the shoe fits wear it.
I also was not being passive aggressive. Tactful maybe but I guess it was wasted. Of course only you know what to do with your relationships. You are the best judge of that. I can only tell you from my experience. When I got angry with my parents and was resentful, it was cuz of me. It was because I was acting like a whiny entitled baby and I pulled the enabling out of them. It was a hostile dependency in which I acted like I needed them and hated them for needing them at the same time. Coming into AA, I was told to change everything, but mostly that included stopping being a victim. My parents didn't deserve my bitter and angry attitude that was mostly the result of my own behavior. I have to live in those amends now.
You claim to be in AA. Have you heard of the spiritual axiom?
It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us. If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about justifiable anger? If somebody cheats us, arent we entitled to be mad? Cant we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it.
All I have read from you is anger at your parents and resentment and a victim mentality with very little responsibility over how you pulled for the response. I believe you may have come over to these boards from the AA ones because you wanted to believe your parents were the problem and not you. Either way, alanon will have you turning the focus on you also. If you don't want to be treated like a victim, stop acting like one. I have stated myself as clearly as possible and with that. I wish you well.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 7th of December 2012 10:44:26 AM
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 7th of December 2012 10:53:38 AM
It's not a different view WTI, but I'm guessing their whole agenda was not to control or hurt you all the time. Your mom and dad probably honestly do believe they need to take care of you. Some of that comes from a place of love and some from sickness. It doesn't change that you need to stick to boundaries for your own growth and serenity. It may help to see that they didn't mean to hurt you so badly.
Forgiveness is a good thing. I'm not saying you are fuming mad at them or that you don't acknowledge your role in this, but there are always ways to make more progress with acceptance of ourselves and others.
I have a mom that is cut from the same mold. When I tell her to butt out she will say "Well honey, you know if I don't do these things you won't do them and nothing gets done." This went on for years and years. I moved a thousand miles away. The best fix for it was for me to step up and do the things she was doing. We'd been through arguments where I screamed at her and told her to butt out. She couldn't. She wasn't invested in changing herself and didn't see a need. I had to change me and accept her. Moving away helped me. There was a long period of "have you done....blah blah" and her finding out I already did it.
Your boundaries are going to accomplish that cuz she will have to see you can take care of yourself when she's not involved. The other part of that is for you to not pull for the enabling and don't accept it.
I do empathize and understand what you are going through. I was targeted as the "sick one" in the family and I rejected that role over the last 4 years. I have mostly come through the other side so I know you can do it too. I also know you have some real physical challenges so even though you might actually be "the sick one" you can't play the sick one with your family or that will start the intolerable dynamic again. If you need help cuz you are sick, it has to come from friends or others or you really have to gut it out. I know you are hoping (and are probably correct) that changing up this dynamic will positively affect your physical health, but you have to get over the hump and really get rolling with the changes for that to happen.
I'm reading your story thinking about me the mother of a A son. I have been involved in his life so much...telling him this....telling him that....controlling I think he should do. I have now been trying to let go and take care of me and set my boundaries. But reading your side of the story makes me think what I'm doing and he must be thinking.
I so much see your side of the story and I'm sure my son has some of those feeling inside and it makes me sad I didn't even give him the chance to grow up and see his side. He always says things like "MOM I KNOW" and is polite and nice to me but now I see his frustration with me.
I'm so happy for you that your doing good and taking back you life. And in my opinion you are doing the right thing setting boundaries with them. I being that mother would welcome the boundaries knowing that my son had the strength to take his life back. I would never talk to him again if that's what he wanted if that means him getting well. I only want him to have happiness.
My view.....good job! Cathy
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can relate to being raised like Pinkchip with a controlling Mother, but also being labeled as the sick or sensitive one. Since attending lots of Al-anon face to face and being here for awhile, I have further dettached from my family of origin and continue to do so, living across country really helps. I can be my own worst enemy and have a lot of A character defects I am working to lose. I dig into my step work with my sponsor when I get stuck with something in my mind. Hope this helps. Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
"For me, these relationships have meant doom. There are no other options left."
I have issues with my family of origin also and that response comes naturally for me too, a very human response. the great thing recovery taught me is that there is a spiritual response, and all my relationships hasten my walk with Higher power. if I let it. In my experience, God uses it all... either God is everything, or else He is nothing, I get to decide. it's all meant to pull me closer. the third column on the resentment inventory is very helpful for me, I have learned that my family members trigger my self-esteem like nobody else can. who is responsible for my self-esteem today??! I do not have to make others my HIgher power anymore.
You don't mention where you are in the steps with this. For me, I needed a sponsor who was also working the steps on al-anon issues. I hope you have one, you are worth it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Saturday 8th of December 2012 12:57:23 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I was taught the goal is to never burn bridges, that, again, is not a spiritual solution, it's a human one. although I certainly cannot control what others do in that regard. In early recovery, I have had to detach at all costs since that was the best I could do, not yet having good detachment skills. It's okay to be where we are, it's where we are.
To me, boundaries are for me. it's knowing what my limits are and then me doing what I have to do to take care of myself. as I grew in recovery, my boundaries changed, I learned to handle the behavior of others much better, so they don't trigger me like they used to, my detachment skills improved.
Setting boundaries is NOT about me going around telling people how to talk to me or how to treat me from now on. that is an attempt to control others and play the director again....
I can certainly let people know what my limits are, for instance, I don't let people yell at me anymore, they gotta be respectful if we are to resume that conversation. However, just because I stated the boundary does NOT mean people aren't going to walk all over it. often they will. It's up to ME to shore up my boundary, to remember I am a child of God and as such, I don't deserve this kind of treatment but also, to just not let others threaten my sense of self, to not give anyone the power to rock my sense of worth. It's about me becoming stronger with higher power, and then moving in a direction that "is" good for me without being harmful to others. I am not allowed to take care of myself if it's going to harm others.....
In my experience, I cannot harm others without also harming myself, so I want to be careful. we're all one, all equal, sometimes we forget who we are. and often, that is my whole problem in a nutshell.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
